HITCHER (Season 1, Episode 8)

[in front of curtain]

Howard: Hi. Welcome to the show. My name’s Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.
Vince: Alright?
Howard: This week I’m going to be playing a host of characters within the show. But don’t be afraid. It’s just something I can do as an actor; I can play any emotion.
Vince: I’ve seen him, it’s pretty powerful.
Howard: Yeah. Um, here’s a little taste of just some of the stuff I can do. [stares intently into the distance craning his neck forward and holding his hands out in a theatrical way]
Vince: What’s that?
Howard: Grief of a sailor.
Vince: That is genius!
Howard: You liking that?
Vince: Do another one! [Howard pulls same pose, except looks constipated] What’s that?
Howard: Cornish guilt.
Vince: Aw!
Howard: Have that, eh?
Vince: Cornish guilt!
Howard: You liking it?
Vince: Timeless characters.
Howard: Can you act?
Vince: [cocky disbelief] Can I act? … [straight faced] Not really, no. … Ahhh, that was me acting then!
Howard: I’m liking that.
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: The twist around.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: What else have you got, anything?
Vince: I’ve got loads of stuff.
Howard: G’on then.
Vince: Do you wanna see one?
Howard: Surprise me.

[Vince starts to ruffle his hair and leans down out of shot for a second. An old Native Indian-looking fellow reappears dressed as Vince. He and Howard stare at each other for a moment, before Howard exits.]

Indian: Welcome to the show. [exits]


[curtains open to Boosh titles]

Scene 1.
Zoo exterior, cages.

[Bob Fossil is leading a group of school children through the enclosures on a tour. They approach the bear cage.]

Fossil: And now kids, our final stop on the tour of the Zooniverse: Ivan! The hairy Russian carpet guy.
Teacher: The bear?
Fossil: Well, yeah, if you want to use the latin. Anyway, when this guy’s not busy being a carpet, he loooooves his dancing! And accompanying him today is Vince Noir and his lowly assistant Howard Moon.

[Howard motions to Vince and Howard who are equipped with a tiny yellow keyboard axe and an electric guitar, respectively]

Howard: Ok, you know what we’re doing, yeah?
Vince: Yeah! The tight electro-pop classic.
Howard: No. We’re doing jazz-funk.
Vince: What?
Howard: We did electro last week, we’re doing jazz-funk this week, okay?
Fossil: Hey Dungheads, let’s move it along.
Howard: [to children] Ok, hi, this is a track which I’ve composed myself. It’s a kind of slap bass odyssey if you like. I hope you enjoy it, it’s called simply “Particle”. Thanks.

[they start to play. Fossil starts dancing. The bear starts pounding his paws against his tree stump.]

Teacher: He doesn’t look happy.
Fossil: Well that’s ‘cause he’s a communist. He doesn’t understand the service industry. What he doesn’t understand is, if Carpet Man don’t dance, Carpet Man don’t eat.

[Outraged, the bear leaps up against the bars of the cage towards the children. They back away in alarm.]

Fossil: Now you seem kind of scared right now, but don’t worry. These bars could stop a speeding juggernaut.

[Ivan rips the cage door from its hinges and throws it on the ground. The children start screaming. Vince and Howard run off.]

Fossil: Head for the hills! You’re on your own everybody! [The bear comes towards Fossil and stands menacingly over him] Don’t kill me! I love Lenin!

[From the kiosk, Naboo sees the chaos and fires a small blow dart into the bears leg. He promptly collapses. Naboo approaches Fossil.]

Fossil: Naboo. You saved my life! I have to kiss you passionately on the mouth. [Sticks tongue out and moves to reach Naboo, who blows a second dart into Fossil’s rudey bits.] Ooh. My nuts. [Falls backwards]

[Spinning newspaper headline: The Daily Examiner. ZOOKEEPERS MOVE BEAR TO ANIMAL PRISON.]


Scene 2.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Howard is driving the green Zoo animal transit vehicle. Vince is beside him in the passenger seat reading a magazine.]

Howard: Oh yeah. This is more like it, eh? Getting out on the open road. Getting away from the zoo. Yeah. I feel at home on the road, Vince. It’s in my blood. You know why, I think it’s because when I was young, I moved around a lot. I lived, you know, with my parents, but on the weekends I’d go to visit my grandparents, and they lived over 40 minutes away in Wakefield. And I think from that, I developed a kind of spiritual wanderlust, if you like. Yeah. I’ve always felt a kinship with the nomadic peoples of the Kalahari.
Vince: [still looking at magazine] No way.
Howard: Mmm, it’s true.
Vince: [laughing] No way!
Howard: Yeah, a deep bond.
Vince: They’re making a Bollywood version of the Fonz!
Howard: Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?
Vince: Uh… something about calamari? I’m not hungry.
Howard: I’m trying to have a conversation here. Eh? I’m trying to get some deep conversation going. Because I’m driving.
Vince: What do you want to talk about?
Howard: Well, you know. About, me. I’m a free spirit, Vince.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah I can’t be hemmed in. People try. They try to put me in a box, but I break free.
Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box?
Howard: It’s the nature of me. It’s the nature of Howard Moon.
Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box?
Howard: Well, people, you know. The Man.
Vince: Have you contacted the police about this?
Howard: No, “The Man”. You know what I’m talking about, yeah?
Vince: What are you on about?
Howard: People are always trying to put people in boxes.
Vince: No one’s trying to put you in a box. You’re the wrong size, for a start.
Howard: [sighing] Let’s forget about this conversation, okay?
Vince: How would you even get in a box?
Howard: I don’t want to talk any more. Read your magazine.
Vince: I thought you wanted to have a conversation?
Howard: Well I don’t, I’m suddenly a bit tired of that now. Just check on Ivan, will you?

[Vince turns around in his seat and slides open a panel between the front compartment and the cage in the rear. We see the bear’s head appear behind the bars.]

Howard: How’s he doing?
Vince: He looks a bit bored. [passes his magazine through the bars]
Howard: [amused] What are you doing?
Vince: What? I’m giving him something to read.
Howard: What, ‘The Face’?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: He’s a Russian bear!
Vince: So what?
Howard: Give him some Chekov! [holds up a book of Chekov plays. Vince takes it and passes it through the bars, then slides the panel shut.]

[Cutaway: a shot of the front of the car indicating time passes]

Vince: [rifling through a tiny brown bag] Do you want something to eat?
Howard: Yeah, actually, I’m quite hungry.
Vince: [chewing on a lollie of some description] I’ve got it all in here. Ultra Violets. Flying Saucers. Strawberry Bootlace. Come on, get involved.
Howard: Have you got any food?
Vince: Yeah! Saturn Zingers…
Howard: No, like real food.
Vince: Neptune Fizz…
Howard: Have you ever heard of rice?
Vince: I’ve heard of rice crispies. [Howard looks disturbed.] Hey Howard, check this out. [Puts the end of a jelly snake into his mouth, and nudges Howard] Ready? [He starts opening and closing his mouth while rolling his eyes back in his head, and slowly drawing the snake into his mouth bit by bit.] Ha ha! That’s how turtle’s eat.
Howard: [in disbelief] This journey’s gonna fly by.

[more time passes]

Vince: Hey Howard I’ve made some tapes for the journey.
Howard: [looking slightly alarmed] Oh, right.
Vince: [holds up a series of cassette tapes with glee] This, is the Best of the 60s. And this, is the Best of the 70s. [holds up a giant stack of cassettes glued together] And this, is Gary Numan.
Howard: Uh, no. No way.
Vince: What?
Howard: We’re not having that.
Vince: Oh, come on!
Howard: Absolutely not! I’m drawing a line onto that! That’s it.
Vince: Why?
Howard: I’m driving! It’s my music we’re having.
Vince: Not jazz.
Howard: No. This my friend [holds up cassette], is jazz funk.
Vince: [pained] Ohhhhh.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: That’s, the double. It’s even worse.
Howard: The mixture. The cerebral musicality of jazz mixed with the visceral groove of funk.
Vince: [disgusted] Funk?
Howard: Imagine that.
Vince: Funk?
Howard: What a combo!
Vince: Jazz’s deformed cousin!
Howard: [puts tape in and starts the music. He moves his head in time] Check this out. Alright. You feeling that? Wait til the slap bass solo comes in, ready? … It’s coming up. … It’s coming up now. … Maybe it’s on the other side. Hang on. [turns tape over and presses play. The exact same loop plays] Here we are, it’s coming now, this is it. Yeah, it’s coming up. … Let me fast forward it. [fast forwards] It’s coming up now, this is it. Ready? Ready for this? … Ah! That’s not it. Just a minute. It’s coming. … It’s the next, it’s the next one, I always get confused because it sounds the same little bit before and then it goes into…
Vince: [thoroughly bored] Really.
Howard: It’s coming. It’s coming up! It’s coming up! [pulls a face as the slap bass finally kicks in] Ooh!
Vince: Ughh.
Howard: Feel the power of that!
Vince: It’s embarrassing!
Howard: Check out the thumb work! Ooh! Ow! [Vince slinks down in his seat and pulls his cowboy hat over his face. An angry growl erupts from the cage] What’s that? What’s happening?
Vince: [sliding panel open] It’s Ivan, he’s going mad! It’s the slap bass, turn it off, he doesn’t like it!
Howard: He doesn’t like slap bass!
Vince: No!
Howard: Then what does he like?

[Vince throws in another tape. “Cars” by Gary Numan pumps out. Vince starts mouthing the words and pulling shapes while Ivan grooves along in the back, even singing along in the chorus. Howard is unimpressed for a moment, then joins in the dance. He gets so involved that he forgets to steer and suddenly both he and Vince have to struggle to steer the car back onto the road.]


Scene 3.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle, night.

[more time has passed.]

Vince: [sighing] Are we nearly there yet?
Howard: No. No we’re not.
Vince: I might have to have a little sleepy.
Howard: What? You’re not having a little sleepy.
Vince: Oh come on.
Howard: No! I’m the driver, it’s your job to sort of entertain me.
Vince: Entertain you? What, do you want me to do a little dance?
Howard: Well do something!
Vince: I’ve got something! I know exactly what to do. You’ll love this. Check this out. [Vince leans forward in his seat for a moment, and when he sits back up again, he is the old Native American Indian]
Howard: [shaking his head] Put him away. [Vince leans down again and returns to his old self. He leans back in his seat and giggles at Howard.] Don’t get him out again.
Vince: I’ve got other characters!
Howard: I don’t wanna know! Can’t you just tell me a story or something?
Vince: A story?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: About what?
Howard: About when you were growing up, you know, in the forests.
Vince: Aw, you’ve heard all those stories.
Howard: Yeah but I like to hear them again. Come on.
Vince: Do you.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Alright. When I was young, I was raised in the forests. By Bryan Ferry. It was amazing. Magic times.


Animation.
Vince: [voiceover] I loved hanging out with Ferry. Oh we used to go hunting, fishing… We lived in a small house made out of bus tickets. Huh! Brilliant. Problem was, Bryan used to go on tour quite a lot. “Bye Vince!” So he’d leave me with various different animals. I remember one time he left me with Jahoolii, the Leopard, who was pretty irresponsible. He used to take me out killing gazelles, knowing full well that Bryan was a strict vegetarian. He used to feed me the soft tasty meat. I remember afterwards, oh I’d be so full, I’d need a little sleepy. But just as I was nodding off, old Kalooni, the dirty cobra, came whisking up the side of the tree, and he said to me ‘oh, you should never sleep’. And I said ‘why Kalooni, what are you on about?’ and he said ‘because the monkey folk plan to steal your face’. I went ‘what do you mean?’ Apparently the King Monkey wanted a man’s face in order to be a proper king. And he’d seen mine. And that was the one he wanted. He’d tried to get Columbo’s but that was on too tight. Anyway, the problem was it was so hot in the jungle, and I was so full, I couldn’t help it! I fell asleep!
Howard: You idiot.
[animation fades out and we are returned to the car]

Vince: I know!
Howard: Oh no!
Vince: I know.
Howard: Oh no!
Vince: What an idiot.
Howard: So what happened next!
Vince: Ah, that’s another story for another time.
Howard: What?
Vince: That’s the end.
Howard: What do you mean that’s the end? It’s not, that’s the beginning of something interesting.
Vince: Listen. That’s the end of that saga.
Howard: What? Are you Icelandic? What are you talking about? I want the end of the story!
Vince: Listen! I went so far, and now I’m stopping.
Howard: What? Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks like that? Johnny Segment?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Give me the ending! You don’t –
Vince: I’m the storyteller! I’ll decide when you’ve had your fill, alright?
Howard: I haven’t had my fill, okay? Give me the ending. You can’t leave a man – get him all juiced up, leave him dangling like that.
Vince: That’s my style.
Howard: What, the Dangler?
Vince: Yeah. The Juicy Dangler.
Howard: You’re ill!
Vince: You’ve had all the word nourishment you need.
Howard: I’m empty. I need the pudding.
Vince: Oh, you’re so greedy.
Howard: What?
Vince: Greedy for the verse.
Howard: Just – come on!
Vince: Slow down.
Howard: Ridiculous. How much further have we got to go?
Vince: Well, according to the map, the Animal Offender Zoo is here. But if we take Fossil’s route, it’s about six hours! Useless! So why don’t we just take this shortcut, here?
Howard: What shortcut?
Vince: The next left, up here.
Howard: What, through this forest?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: Are you sure?
Vince: I reckon! I reckon we’ll be there in about 20 minutes.

[Screenshot: SIX HOURS LATER]


Scene 4.
The Forest. Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[The car pulls up in the depths of the forest. Howard switches off the headlights.]

Howard: Where the hell are we?
Vince: I don’t know. I just thought that if we came down this road here, we’d cut out a lot of time, you know?
Howard: What road?
Vince: This road here.
Howard: [looking to where Vince is pointing on the map] What this thin red road? [He picks up the “road”] That’s a raspberry bootlace, you berk. [throws it down in disgust]
Vince: I was just trying to help, alright?
Howard: How have you helped on this journey so far? Hmm? You bring sweets instead of food. You tell stories that don’t end properly. And you bring Gary Numan’s entire back catalogue to listen to.
Vince: A powerful body of work.
Howard: A powerful stench on the musical map.
Vince: Listen. I’ve had enough of your abuse.
Howard: Yeah? What are you gonna do?
Vince: I’m vacating the vehicle. [opens the door and steps out]
Howard: What are you doing?
Vince: I’ll walk.
Howard: Where? Down Raspberry Avenue? You’re in a forest!
Vince: Whatever. [slides door shut]
Howard: You won’t last five minutes without me. [starts car engine and begins to drive off].
Vince: [appears running alongside the car, looking alarmed, and beating on the window] Howard! Stop the van! Howard, stop! Wait!
Howard: [stops the car, laughing arrogantly] You see, you couldn’t walk away could you? You couldn’t leave me.
Vince: My scarf’s caught in the wheel.
Howard: Right.
Vince: [removes scarf from wheel] Seeya later.
Howard: Yeah. Bye.

[Howard puts foot down on accelerator and speeds off. Vince is left standing alone in the forest. He looks around a bit, then heads to his left off the track and into the trees. Camera pans to a sign that reads: Forest of Death]


Scene 5.
Naboo’s Trailer.

[Naboo and Fossil are sitting on a small couch drinking tea]

Fossil: And technically, you’re not a peeping tom if it’s one of your relatives. More tea, Naboo?
Naboo: No, I’m fine.
Fossil: [reaching for teapot] Well, if you’re not gonna have any tea, I am. I looooove my tea.
Naboo: [looking into his teacup] Oh no. Howard and Vince are in danger.
Fossil: [spitting his tea back into cup] How do you know?
Naboo: It’s written in the tea leaves. [he holds the cup out for Fossil to see, who takes it. It clearly reads ‘Howard and Vince are in danger’ in tea leaves.]
Fossil: Naboo. This is terrible. [throws cup on floor, and it smashes] But on the bright side, that means we can get together more. [Naboo gets up and goes towards the door] Naboo, where you going?
Naboo: I’ve got to go and save Howard and Vince.
Fossil: [leaping up beside him] I’ll come with you!
Naboo: No, it’s fine.
Fossil: No, Naboo! I must protect you!
Naboo: I wish you wouldn’t.


Scene 6.
The Forest of Death.

[Vince is walking through the forest when he hears galloping noises. We see the blurred white shape of a man with blue reflective eyebrows running. Vince stops.]

Vince: Who’s there?

[The man comes into a clearing ahead. He is wearing a white suit jacket and red silk pants with a bow tie undone around his neck. His chin is very obviously stuck on – there is even a small strand of string hanging from it. The man is also holding a spear which he drops when he sees Vince.]

Ferry: Vince! It is I! Bryan Ferry!
Vince: No way!

[The pair embrace. It should be noted that this character looks not even remotely like Bryan Ferry.]

Ferry: Look at you!
Vince: Bryan!
Ferry: Vince my child! So many years have passed, but I knew you would return to the forest.
Vince: [looking around] I love what you’ve done with the place, it looks great!
Ferry: Ah, it’s a mess. I would have tidied if I’d known you were coming.
Vince: These ferns, are they new?
Ferry: Ikea. Look at you! All grown up. Is this what they are wearing now in the city of men?
Vince: Pretty much.
Ferry: Ha! Ridiculous. Let us celebrate your return. With feasts, and music, and the slaughtering of a hound.
Vince: I can’t really stay that long though Bryan, you know? I’ve got a life now in the city. I’ve got a job, and stuff.
Ferry: Job?
Vince: Yeah, I work in a zoo!
Ferry: Zoo? What is zoo?
Vince: Oh, you’d love the zoo. It’s full of animals! It’s a bit like a forest, but they keep the animals in cages.
Ferry: [grabbing Vince and shaking him violently] NO! Animals should never be kept in cages!
Vince: Alright Bryan, it’s just a stop-gap, you psycho! I mean I’m gonna be a singer, like you!
Ferry: But you were the least musical of all my children. Even Colto the deaf horse could sing better than you.
Vince: [fondly] Colto. How is Colto?
Ferry: He’s working on his third album now.
Vince: Really?
Ferry: Experimental stuff. Eno is producing.
Vince: Wow. But what about my best friend? Jahooli the Leopard?
Ferry: [solemnly] Jahooli is gone. [putting his hand on Vince’s shoulder] There is a curse upon the forest, Vince. Many of the creatures have disappeared. Taken. By Babooyagu. The green man-witch.
Vince: Who?
Ferry: Some say he is the devil himself. Others say he is a man, pretending to be the devil, with green make-up and special lighting. But that is nonsense. He is as real, as this forest. [To make a point, Ferry beats a fist on a nearby tree, which promptly falls over revealing it to be nothing but a random piece of log on a set.]
Vince: Anyway, look, Bryan-

[The “tree” collapses through the fern it had fallen on. Vince and Ferry stare at each other. (This was probably a serendipitous accident). Vince continues]

Vince: Anyway, look, Bryan, I better get going. I’ve gotta go and find my mate Howard, we had a bit of an argument and uh, I better go and see if he’s alright.
Ferry: Is he in danger?
Vince: Probably. Pretty much every week he gets in danger, I go and sort it out - that’s how the show works.
Ferry: [holding up an animal horn with a mouthpiece attached] Take this horn. And if you are in peril, blow upon’t. [passes it to Vince] I will come running as fast as Hoonduuuu the Volkswagon.
Vince: Thanks! I’ve got something for you Bryan, actually. [reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a cassette tape, which he holds in front of Bryan’s face.]
Ferry: Ah! [takes cassette]
Vince: There you go.
Ferry: [looking bewildered] What is this?
Vince: It’s a tape! It’s my new demo.
Ferry: Right.
Vince: New band. Yeah. Seeya later Bryan! [walks off]
Ferry: Thank you! Take care, child! Ah. Tape. Yes. Of course, it is all mp3 now. These are obsolete. [throws it carelessly over his shoulder and walks off]


Scene 7.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Howard is driving through the forest]

Howard: [internal monologue] Ahhh yeah. The open road. This is more like it. A man alone with his dreams. That’s me. Howard Moon. [squints] What’s that? A hitchhiker? Yeah right, I’m gonna stop for you in this dark wood. I don’t think so.

[The screen fades to black. A second later we see a green man has materialised in the passenger seat. He has long blonde hair, one giant polo as a left eye and a white stripe painted down the left side of his face. His black hat is also rimmed with polos and on his lap sits a large chest adorned with polos of various sizes. Howard stares at him for a moment, then back at the road, seeming rather nervous.]

Howard: So, eh er, you going far?

[unblinking, the Hitcher doesn’t respond, just stares straight ahead]

Howard: Do you live around here do you? … Well obviously not in the woods, it would be weird if you lived in the woods, wouldn’t it. [clears throat awkwardly] It’d be strange. … What’s in the box? Is that travel sweets is it? [forced nervous laughter] Travel sweets. That’s one of mine. Big box like that with small sweets in it, it’d actually be quite funny wouldn’t it? … Should we have some music? Ease the tension? Let’s have the radio.

[Howard flicks the radio on. A version of The Doors’ “Riders on the Storm” comes on.]

Radio: [male voice singing] If you give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die.
Killer on the road.

Howard: [switches radio off quickly] Too much music in the world, you know?

[The hitcher slowly raises his right arm over and rests it on his box, revealing a massively oversized green thumb. Howard can’t help but notice.]

Howard: Quite a thumb you’ve got on you, there. Bet there’s a story behind there, isn’t there?

[For the first time, the Hitcher looks directly at Howard.]

Hitcher: [in a thick cockney accent] You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? [holds thumb up beside Howard’s face] Intrigue you does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell you about it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers. All with bleedin’ massive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker. [starts waving it around as if trying to hail a ride] Helps with work. You know what I mean? The only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff. Disgusting. Even me own mother would reel back in horror. Like an anaconda. “OHH what is it? Get it out of here! It’s tiny! It’s ‘orrible! It’s revolting! Take your tiny thumb, and get out of here and never darken my door again,” she’d say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman, part man part hornet. So I went looking for ‘im. I went everywhere! I combed the universe, in search of the stripey insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it! And he stung it! And he grabbed onto it! It was like he was making love to it wiv his sting.

[Hitcher is yelling now. By this stage Howard is extremely alarmed]

Hitcher: In and out! In and out! More and more! Ohhh the pus! The pain! The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn’t know what was happening! Ohhh for days I was in a trance! But when I came to, there it was! Like a fleshy maraca! A THUMB, of gigantic proportion. “A miracle!” I said, “A miracle! You’re a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?” and he said to me “Five hundred euros”. “FIVE HUNDRED EUROS? You won’t see penny one from me you slag!” And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking “OHHH, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it’s killing me! My own beast and creation! Killing me dead! The sweet irony.” I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could’ve just been shitting himself.

[The Hitcher’s vacant stare returns as if he’d never moved. Howard is still trying to absorb what just happened.]

Howard: Anywhere here?

[A beat, then]
Hitcher: [grabbing Howard’s face between his giant thumb and the rest of his hand] Stop the car!
Howard: [pulls up and whimpers] Don’t kill me!
Hitcher: What?
Howard: Don’t kill me, I’ve got so much to give!
Hitcher: “Don’t kill me?” I ain’t gonna kill ya mate, I need a sprinkle, you onion. [releases Howard and opens the door to exit the vehicle]
Howard: Oh. Right.

[Hitcher crosses in front of the vehicle and then moves into some bushes.]

Hitcher: I’ve gotta slash like a powerful horse. Ohhhh!

[From a shot of the Hitcher’s shoes, we see a stream of green liquid hit the ground. Howard notices and tries to look away. The stream gets harder and faster, and turns into a torrent that lifts the Hitcher into the air and hovers.]

Hitcher: Oohhh! Coming out of me like a yellow cable. Oohhhh! Aw yeah. I’ve been backed up for some time boy!

[Suddenly extremely alarmed, Howard releases his chance to escape and puts the car in drive, speeding off.]

Hitcher: Oi! Come back ‘ere! Oi!

Howard: [internal monologue] Yeah right. “Come back here”. [notices the Hitcher’s box is still in the passenger seat] I’m not hanging about while you relieve yourself. I’m Howard Moon. Man of action. I’ve got things to do. [pulls up]

[Howard gets out of the car, walks around to the other door, and pulls the chest out through the window. He holds it firmly, pauses, and then throws it into the bushes. He begins to walk back to the driver’s seat but stops.]

Howard: [to camera] Can’t hurt to have a little look inside it, can it, eh? (?????) Why not.

[He approaches the box cautiously, which is now sitting upright on a mossy rock. Howard lifts the lid and a smoky red light emanates out. He reaches in, and dives his whole body into the box. The lid slams shut behind him. Two creatures emerge out of the forest to a beat that has started. They’re dressed in black with simple white ribs painted on. They also wear identical black polo hats and polo eyes like the original Hitcher. As the pair come to a stop in a clearing, they reach behind their backs and pull out recorders. They start playing a melody on them, and four bars in the Hitcher leaps between them and starts rapping.]

Hitcher: Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob
‘Ave a cuppa tea, ‘ave a cuppa tea
I’m the Hitcher – let me put you in the picture
Creepin’ in your room in the dead of night
Wiv me solo polo vision.
Pipers: That’s right!
Hitcher: I’m a cockney geezer, watch me bleed yer
I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper
I taught him how to slice – I cut ‘im up a treat!
Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Forty shillings for yer melon!
Pipers: Oh yeah!
We’re the Piper Twins
We’re Jim and Jackie Piper
We cut through the night like a windscreen
Wipin’ you away, like raindrops
Don’t mess with the boys!
Hitcher: Shut your noise!
Comin’ in strong like a freakshow nightmare
Dancin’ skeletons, white blue and yellerins
Movin’ through the shadows with the speed of a cat
And if you cross us, we’ll cut ya
Pipers: And you ain’t gonna like that!
Hitcher: I verse juju, I use voodoo if I choose to
I harness the forces of evil to abuse you
Wiv power, a polo, an evil magnet
We’re suckin’ up yer soul
All: And you ain’t gonna like that!
[They finish in a pose. A brief pause, then]
Hitcher: Ow, me back’s gone!
Pipers: [coming out of pose] Oh, not again.
Hitcher: [stuck with his arms in the air] Ohh it’s totally gone.
Piper#1: Grab ‘is legs.

[With the Hitcher yelping in pain, the Pipers try to pick him up and carry him off]

Piper#2: Easy.


Scene 8.
The Forest. On a Motorbike.

[Fossil is speeding through the jungle on a motorcycle. Naboo is sitting in the sidecart wearing goggles.]

Fossil: And that’s why you should never bring a cricket bat to Greece. Where to, Naboo?
Naboo: [looking in teacup where we can see the directions spelt out in tea leaves] Left at the lights.


Scene 9.
In the Box.

[Black. Suddenly a flame appears, attached to Howard’s lighter, illuminating his face. He tries to look around.]

Howard: [whispers] Hello? … [louder] Hello?

[Vince appears in the light behind him while Howard is looking in the opposite direction.]

Vince: [whispers] Hey!
Howard: [startled] AHH! Oh, Vince!
Vince: [chuckles] How’s it going?
Howard: [still trying to calm down] Good. It’s great. It’s going well. What are you doing here?
Vince: Some weird bloke picked me up and put me in his box.
Howard: Oh yeah. He was hideous wasn’t he.
Vince: Hideous? I thought he had a certain bony charm. [note: the Hitcher is actually played by Noel Fielding, who plays Vince, hence he is complimenting the fact he looked so similar to himself]
Howard: I can’t believe we’re trapped in a box.
Vince: Yeah. I thought you couldn’t get trapped in boxes?
Howard: That was a metaphorical box. This is an actual box. There’s a slight difference.
Vince: Oh, right. It’s massive, this box. Check this out. [calls out] HELLO?

[echos reverberate in the darkness, and the lights suddenly flick on.]

Hitcher: Hello! Welcome to my Zoo for Animal Offenders!

[The Hitcher is standing in what looks to be a hallway of polo-shaped cage doors. A red neon sign proclaims: ZOO! And underneath, the words ‘for Animal Offenders’. Howard and Vince are huddled, still with their lighter burning, in a far corner.]

Hitcher: We’ve got all kinds of garb in ‘ere. Behold! The Nazi turtle! [lights go up on a turtle with a swastika painted on its shell] A freshwater fascist for all the family. Over on the left: the Ku Klux Goose. [lights go up on a goose with a white sheet over its head] You right, boy? But our finest exhibit, is over ‘ere. Feast your eyes, on Trevor Robinson! [an obviously stuffed horse is wheeled into view, covered in little bits of yellow paper] A shire horse, with over 37 parking tickets! All unpaid, mind. Evil hooves.
Howard: What do you want with us?
Hitcher: [drawing a blade] I’m gonna slice you up. Ohhh, I’m a cockney nutjob. He slashes one way! He slashes the other! He slashes diagonal! He’s like connect four in dagger terms! I’m gonna cut you up, and feed you to my menagerie! But I ain’t all evil. If you’ve got any last requests, I’ll be happy to service ‘em. You! Young lady. Anything?
Vince: [to Howard] What?
Howard: That’s you.
Vince: I’ve got an idea, Howard. Is it alright if I blow this? [holds up horn]
Hitcher: I don’t see why not.
Vince: Leave this to me. [blows a long note]

[Cut to Bryan Ferry, who is dancing, and doesn’t hear the horn over his vacuuming the forest floor.]

Howard: What was that?
Hitcher: Give it to me a minute boy. [magically whisks the horn out of Vince’s hands and across the room to himself] Ooh it’s a lovely horn. Let me have a go of this. [blows another, higher note]

[Cut to Bryan Ferry, who hears it this time. He switches off the vacuum and darts off, galloping through the forest. He leaps into a clearing and is immediately hit by Fossil’s motorbike.]

Howard: Great.
Hitcher: What about you, squire? Anything I can do for you before I cut you up?
Howard: Well, I always thought I’d fade away to… some slap bass. [Vince looks appalled] But I don’t suppose that’s a style of music that you’re familiar with.
Hitcher: I beg your pardon. What do you think this is? [holds up thumb] I’m one of the leading exponents of the jazz-funk movement. I’m the slap bass president for God’s sake! Ohhh yeah, it used to be Mark King, but we had a thumb duel. And I smashed ‘im into the ground like a blonde tent peg. “Get back to Level 42, and go about your business!”

[A bass guitar, also adorned with polos, appears out of nowhere, and the Hitcher begins playing slap bass. Howard starts bopping along. Vince shakes his head in disbelief. Meanwhile, in the back of the Animal Transit Vehicle, Ivan is awoken by the slap bass and works up an angry growl.]

Hitcher: You love it, you slags.

[Ivan bursts the doors open and looks around]

Howard: He’s alright, this guy.
Hitcher: Can you feel the funk?

[Ivan leaps out of the van and starts to follow the sound. Suddenly he is inside the box / zoo, and proceeds to attack the Hitcher, knocking him to the ground and trying to rip him open. The Hitcher promptly evaporates, leaving a pile of his clothing on the floor, and Ivan confused.]

Vince: [pointing] Look at that, Howard.
Howard: He’s melted!

Hitcher: [appearing inside the Nazi Turtle cage wearing only black polo underwear] I ain’t melted you onion! I’m over ‘ere! You’ll never catch me, woaaay! I’m off! [runs offscreen]



Scene 10.
Forest. Inside the Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Vince is driving this time; Howard is in the passenger seat. Vince has a look of glee on his face, and moves his hands around the steering wheel in wide deliberate movements]

Howard: Well, that was a narrow squeak, eh?
Vince: Yeah. Let’s get back to the zoo, quickly.
Howard: [Looking uncertainly over at Vince’s technique] You sure you know how to drive, Vince?
Vince: Yeah its easy! Look at me go!
Howard: You don’t have to do that with your hands all the time you know.
Vince: Oh, right.
Howard: It’s a straight road.

[Roll credits! After a second of black, the crash scene appears. Fossil, Naboo, and Bryan Ferry have all been thrown on the ground in awkward positions.]

Ferry: [propping himself up, still with cigarette in mouth] Oh. You fools! You smashed me with your iron horse.
Naboo: Who are you?
Ferry: I am Bryan Ferry. Ruler of the forest.
Naboo: [frowning] Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
Ferry: [dropping the accent] Yeah. What’s your point?
Naboo: You look like Terry Wogan.

KILLEROO (Season 1, Episode 1)

[in front of the curtain]
Stuff happens here, but I’m not sure what it is. When I track down the footage I’ll update the page.


[opening credits]

Scene 1.
Inside the Boosh Hut.

[Vince is at the kitchen bench chopping up various fruits. Howard enters.]

Howard: Alright?
Vince: Alright.
Howard: Mrs Gideon ring for me today?
Vince: [laughing] As if she’s gonna ring for you. [stops laughing abruptly] Oh, I mean, she might do.
Howard: Yeah, you’re right. Why would she ring for me. She thinks I’m an idiot.
Vince: Hey, come on Howard. There’s plenty of reasons why she wouldn’t ring for you. I mean, maybe she’s trapped in a… cabinet.
Howard: [confused] She’s a sophisticated woman, Vince, she wouldn’t get trapped in cabinets, okay?
Vince: People get trapped in cabinets all the time, you know, doctors, dentists, lawyers. Haven’t you seen the show? Captain Cabinet, Trapped in Cabinets…
Howard: Can he get out
Both: Will he get out? Course he will. Captain Cabinet…
Vince: [continues singing] Trapped in cabinets…
Howard: [interjecting] Yes I have seen it. She’s not trapped in a cabinet, she’s over there.

[Through the window, we see Gideon speaking to another keeper.]

Vince: Oh yeah.
Howard: There she is. [violin music starts playing as he begins a recitation of his ode to Gideon] Oh sweet lady. With your face like a cream oval. Your nose. Like a delicious slope of cream. [cutaways of Gideon talking in slow motion] Your ears like, cream flaps. Your teeth. Like hard, shiny pegs of cream.

[Howard is interrupted by the sound of a blender that Vince is not-so-tactfully using to blend his fruit.]

Howard: Do you mind?
Vince: [turning off blender] Hmm?
Howard: I’m doing a poem.
Vince: Oh, sorry.
Howard: Mrs Gideon.

[Howard exits the room. Vince follows him into the lounge. Howard sits down on the couch with a dejected sigh and hugs a cushion]

Vince: Come on, Howard. [perches on arm of the couch] I mean, I think you’re going about it all the wrong way with Gideon.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: Well you know, I mean you ask her out, she says no, and what do you do about it? … Hang about her garden all night weeping into her fishpond.
Howard: How do you know about that?
Vince: How do I know? It’s in all the papers! “Man Kills Koi Carp With Human Tears”, pages 4 to 44! They interviewed one of the carp and everything. He was furious.

Cutaway to Carp.
Carp: Oh, it was so salty. I’m freshwater.

Return to scene.
Vince: [touches Howard’s arm sympathetically] I don’t think you understand women. I mean, what do you think women like?
Howard: [after a long pause] Trumpets?
Vince: Trumpets?
Howard: Bookmarks.
Vince: They don’t like bookmarks. They like edgy characters.
Howard: I’ve got edge.
Vince: You’re about as edgy as a Satsuma.
Howard: I’m a crazy man. I’m a nutjob. I’m a freakball. You know? I break through all boundaries. If I see a boundary, I eat a boundary. And wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules. Eh?

[Howard throws cushion on the floor defiantly. After a moment, Vince motions to the floor. The two exchange looks between each other and the cushion. Eventually Howard leans forward and grabs the cushion, dumping it back on the couch.]

Fossil: [over loudspeaker] Moon. Come to my office right now. Thank you!

Vince: You better run along, Danger Mouse.
Howard: I’m not running along to Fossil. I’ll go in my own sweet time. They call me the Maverick.
Vince: You’re Fossil’s bitch. That’s the word on the street.
Howard: Word on the street? Who are you? T-Bone Wilson?
Vince: I spoke to Leroy. He said he saw you dancing for Fossil in the moonlight. In little blue pants.
Howard: I don’t dance for Fossil, okay?
Vince: He was giving you coin, you was giving him booty.
Howard: Listen. I was playing Fossil like a pipe.
Vince: [getting up] Yeah, whatever.
Howard: Yeah? Yeah? I was putting a move on him!
Vince: As if your moves work. [puts on large elaborate red hat with a feather]
Howard: Nice hat.
Vince: [grabbing blender full of fruit] Thanks. [exits]
Howard: Yeah, I got the moves. I got the moves, no mistake. I don’t run along to Fossil. I go in my own time.
Fossil: [over loudspeaker] Moon! I won’t tell you again, ma bitch!
Howard: [getting up quickly] I had to see him about something anyway. [runs out of the hut so fast that he forgets to shut the door. We see him darting off]


Scene 2.
Bob Fossil’s Office.

[Sign above door reads: Bob Fossil: Zoo Manager. Inside, we hear the strains of “Dreadlock Holiday” by 10CC. Fossil, dressed in an ill-fitting pale blue uniform, is performing a ridiculous and seemingly sensual dance interpretation from behind his desk. Howard stands patiently in the office, mildly disturbed, waiting for instruction. The dance ends with a butt-slapping spin, and Fossil hits stop on the tape player just as the chorus kicks in.]

Fossil: And that’s why I don’t like cricket.
[a beat, then]
Howard: Was there anything else, Mr Fossil?
Fossil: Oh. You know those guys, with the little hands? You know, with the big pockets? You know, with the little version of themselves in the front pocket? [does bad kangaroo impersonation which involves sticking out his tongue and waving his ‘paws’]
Howard: Kangaroo.
Fossil: Yeah. Anyways, we can make ‘em fight, and make lots of money.
Howard: That goes against every principle I aspire to as a zookeeper. Animals should never be made to fight one another.
Fossil: Not one another, glossy dick. You!
Howard: Me? I’m not doing that, what are you talking about? No way am I fighting a kangaroo.
Fossil: Well how about Moon I give you this… [reaches into draw and pulls out a] cup. [wiggles it in the air enticingly] It’s polystyrene.
Howard: That’s not gonna swing it, Mr Fossil.
Fossil: [withdrawing cup] Alright. [stuffs the cup into the breast pocket of his shirt.] I didn’t want to have to do this Moon, but I’ve got pictures of you, nude. [hands Howard an envelope] That’s right. And I’m gonna put ‘em all over my body and run around the zoo.
Howard: [pulling a photo partially out of the envelope and glancing at it] You can’t do this.
Fossil: Oh yeah? I got a Xerox machine that says I can.

[Howard glares at Fossil and storms out of the office]

Fossil: [calling after him] The fight’s in two days, Moon. [Picks up a Dictaphone and speaks into it.] Note to self: Pocket Cup. [Attempts, unsuccessfully, to drink from the cup that is already awkwardly perched in his pocket] Mmm!


Scene 3.
Zoo exterior. Cages.

[Vince is raking leaves in one of the cages. Howard enters]
Vince: Hey.
Howard: Hey.
Vince: How’d it go with Fossil?
Howard: Well, not great. You’re not going to believe this. What he wants me to do, right, is fight with a kangaroo.
Vince: What?
Howard: To make money.
Vince: A kangaroo?
Howard: Yeah! Me! One on one with a kangaroo.
Vince: You’d get your head smashed off!
Howard: I know! It’s ridiculous. The man’s insane. I’m not doing it. The thing is, he’s got pictures of me naked. [holds up the envelope]
Vince: What?
Howard: Which he says he’s gonna put up round the zoo if I don’t fight, you know.
Vince: So what?
Howard: I’m not bothered. I’m mean I’m not – I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, but..
Vince: Who cares? [takes envelope]
Howard: …It’s just slightly embarrassing.
Vince: People see pictures of naked people all the time. [starts to pull out a picture] I mean it’s not really going to make any – Oooaaaww! [howl of violent disgust, instigated from looking at one of the pictures.] Chriiiiiist!
Howard: What? What’s the matter?
Vince: What’s that??!?
Howard: Everyone’s got that, haven’t they?
Vince: No, that business there!!!
Howard: That’s just normal, isn’t it?
Vince: You’re a freak! [throws pictures to the ground]
Howard: What do you mean? It’s just this, Vince! [begins to unbutton his shirt]
Vince: [backing right up to the edge of the cage in terror] I don’t want to see it live!
Howard: [holding his shirt open away from camera] Vince, look! It’s just that!

[Vince throws himself back against the wall trying to find the door, his eyes bulging in absolute horror]

Howard: Vince!
Vince: Get away!
Howard: Vince!
Vince: You’re not right! [he finally manages to find the door handle, and leaps backwards out of the enclosure, closing the door behind him]
Howard: Vince!
Vince: [from outside cage] Get away!

[Howard, re-buttoning his shirt as he turns back towards the camera, looks forlorn. As he steps towards the front of the enclosure, the strains of a sad organ can be heard. Howard puts his fingers through the wire of the cage as he looks out at the world, and begins to sing.]

Howard: Disfigured and alone
Crawling in the shadows
Must I live like a freak?
Deformed, useless and embarrassed.
“Freak.”

[Howard is overcome with sadness, despondently strokes some foliage, and falls weeping against another cage as he leaves the enclosure.]


Scene 4.
Zoo Exterior. Bench in corridor near enclosures.

[Vince is sitting alone on the bench. Howard comes around the corner and begins to walk slowly towards him.]

Howard: Do you mind if I sit down? [Vince shrugs, so he sits] What am I gonna do?
Vince: Have you thought about joining the circus? [they exchange a glance in acknowledgement of the joke] You better do something, otherwise we’re in trouble.
Howard: How are you in trouble?
Vince: Well, Mick Jagger didn’t hang out with the Elephant Man, did he?
Howard: What am I gonna do, more to the point. Yeah? Mrs Gideon finds out about this, it’s over for me.
Vince: What about if you fight the kangaroo?
Howard: What?
Vince: Imagine if you fight the kangaroo and beat it. It’ll be amazing. You’ll be dangerous! You’ll have edge! You’ll be a pirate! Gideon will be all over you like a flannel.
Howard: Yeah well that’s a good plan.
Vince: It’s perfect!
Howard: One problem. How do I beat a kangaroo?
Vince: [thinks] I’ll train you up.
Howard: You?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: You’ll train me up.
Vince: Yeah. I’m a cockney bitch!
Howard: What?
Vince: I’m a ragamuffin from the streets!
Howard: You’re a French duke, if ever I saw one. You lie around in hammocks all day, eating soft cheese.
Vince: Listen. [punches the air] I’m a chimney sweep. I could train you up. All my family are into boxing. All of them. Even my aunty, she loves it. My family are nutters. My uncle once punched a man so hard, his legs became trombones. It was genius. It was embarrassing! The man had to leave the ring like this. [gets up, and does a little step dance while singing a trombone ditty]
Howard: Are you gonna help me or you gonna do a little dance?
Vince: Come on. Let’s get going. [claps hands on cut]


Scene 5.
Inside the Boosh Hut.

[On the other side of Vince’s clap, we find he and Howard standing in the lounge room dressed in hideous turquoise tracksuits. Howard’s is much too small, and the legs are too short so we can see his socks and sneakers. Vince is also wearing a cowboy hat and white cowboy boots, and holding video tapes.]

Howard: [motioning to himself] What’s this?
Vince: I could only get one size.
Howard: Your size. That’s nice.
Vince: Come on. These are the original tracksuits Carlos Santana wore when he was training for Woodstock.
Howard: Yeah, well he could’ve washed them, because they stink.
Vince: Never mind all of that, right. [holding up the tapes] Let’s check out your opponent, yeah? I got these videos off Naboo, kangaroo videos. Let’s check ‘em out.

[they go over to the lounge chair and Howard sits down. The camera is positioned as if on top of the TV set. Vince perches in front of the TV and inserts one of the tapes, using the remote control to turn it on.]

[Howard remains stoic throughout this scene.]
TV: …fully grown kangaroo if attacked, will lean back on its tail and using its hind legs, disembowel its prey in–
Vince: [pressing fast forward immediately, laughs nervously] Heh, that’s not true.
TV: …adult kangaroo can punch through solid steel-- [Vince fast forwards]… if a man were to fight a kangaroo, he would be immediately killed–
Vince: [pressing stop and ejecting the tape nervously] Actually, this is not the video I was thinking of. This is the one. [holds up the second tape, and places it in the machine]
TV: [sung] Skipper, Skipper, the kangaroo!

[Vince smiles and bobs his head]

TV: [male voice] Hey Skipper, how you doing? You alright there mate? [growling noises] Skipper! Skipper, you psycho, get off me! He’s gone berserk! [a woman on the video starts screaming as the growling increases.]

[Vince points the remote and repeatedly tries to turn it off, to no avail]

TV: He’s killing everyone! It’s a flaming bloodbath! Skipper, no! I’m being disembowelled!
Vince: [in desperation Vince pulls the tape out of the machine manually.] Umm… Let’s not concentrate on your opponent. Uh, I’ve got a better idea, let’s go to my uncle’s gym. He’ll know what to do. He’s great, he knows everything about boxing.

[Vince gets up and walks off. Howard remains seated staring at the screen which is now just snow and fuzz. After a moment, Vince returns and gently pulls him up by the arm.]

Vince: Come on, Carlos.


Scene 6.
Vince’s Uncle’s Gym.

[Two men are sparring in the foreground as Vince and Howard walk into the gym]

Vince: Ah, look at this place!

[They walk further inside and pass a ring where another two men are sparring.]

Vince: Ahh, it’s exactly as I remember. The old ropes. Huh! [a guy passes them] Hi Ralph. This is great, what do you reckon Howard?
Howard: It smells a bit funny in here.
Vince: A bit funny?
Howard: Yeah, a bit musty.
Vince: That’s the smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man foam. You’ll be doing that in a minute.
Howard: Will I?
Vince: Look. That’s my Uncle up there.

[An old bloke is standing on the edge of the ring, leaning on the ropes.]

Uncle: [to boxers in the ring] Throw a net over ‘im. Alright. Take him out to dinner. Right, now, don’t kiss him.

Vince: Let me have a word, right? I don’t want you showing me up. You wait here.

Uncle: Hit him with some wood. [turning his attention to Vince as he approaches] Oi, no women in here.
Vince: [lifting his cowboy hat] It’s me, Vince!
Uncle: Vincey!
Vince: Yeah!
Uncle: I thought I’d lost you forever.

[Vince leans in and gives him a hug]

Uncle: [sternly] Hey. It’s nice to see you, but if you do that again I’ll rip your eyes out.
Vince: I’m gonna be a boxing trainer just like you, Uncle.
Uncle: Right.
Vince: Look at this guy, he’s my star pupil. [motions over his shoulder to Howard]
Uncle: Let’s have a look at him.

[Screen wipe. Vince & Uncle are sitting on the edge of the boxing ring. Howard is standing showing off his terrible moves. He leaps back and forth, whirring his fists. At one point he accidentally punches a small standing punch bag behind him, which springs back. Howard freezes with his back towards it as if waiting for prey and then slams his fist backwards into it. He is clearly a shite boxer. Both Vince and Uncle look concerned. Uncle is so stunned his cigar drops out of his mouth.]

Uncle: He looks like a retard. When’s the fight?
Vince: Tomorrow night.
Uncle: There’s only one way to get this boy ready for the fight.
Vince: Training montage!
Uncle: With music.
Vince: Yeah! [goes to put his arm around Uncle]
Uncle: Stop!
[Vince retracts]

Montage.
Howard attempts to punch a small ceiling ball, but misses as frequently as he hits it.
With his back to the phone, Howard pulls a phone receiver away from it supposedly to build muscle strength against the cord resistance.
Howard punching the ceiling ball, with more vigour, and less success.
Howard’s face straining. Eventually he lifts a tiny, tiny weight into frame.
Howard continues to struggle with the ceiling ball.
Uncle plays a mean electric guitar.
Vince helps Howard to scoff down sandwiches.
End Montage.

[Vince sits down next to Uncle on a bench]
Vince: Hey.
Uncle: Vincey.
Vince: Yeah?
Uncle: We’ve got a problem.
Vince: What is it?
Uncle: [holding up a polystyrene cup] It’s this cup. I don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I wish there was a kind of [holds cup up to his chest and slides it up and down] pocket cup that someone could invent, you know, that you could drink liquids out –
Vince: [taking the cup away] What’re we gonna do with Howard?
Uncle: Oh. He’s hopeless. But I’ve got an idea.
Vince: Yeah?
Uncle: It’s an old boxing trick. What you do is, you build up his confidence, by letting him beat a weaker opponent.
Vince: Ahhh.
Uncle: Yeah.
Vince: Nice.
Uncle: I’ll go get someone.
Vince: [touching Uncle’s arm] Great.
Uncle: [aggressive] Easy does it, Margaret. [exits]
Vince: Hey Howard.
Howard: [enters shot] What’s happening?
Vince: We’re down to the critical stages of your training now, yeah?
Howard: Right.
Vince: Sparring.
Howard: Sparring.
Vince: Yep.
Howard: Ok. Who am I gonna fight? [points] This guy here?
Vince: Mmm, I don’t think so. He’s way too dangerous. That’s Mickey the Fist.

[From the back, we see a guy in headgear punching a bag. He turns around to reveal his face is actually made up entirely of fists.]

Howard: What about… this fellow? [Motions to a guy in a red tracksuit]
Vince: I don’t think so.
Howard: He’s more my standard, yeah?
Vince: Not really. That’s Jimmy the Reach. I mean, he doesn’t look like much, but check out his arms.

[A long shot of Jimmy reveals that his arms snake across the whole length of the room. Vince and Howard’s heads move from left to right following them. The punching bag that Jimmy is punching is on the opposite side of the room to the rest of him.]

Howard: Right, okay, well, who am I gonna fight then?
Vince: Don’t worry about it. My Uncle’s found someone that matches the exact proportions of your opponent. [points to ring]

[A small boy stands in the middle of the boxing ring, dressed in a bad kangaroo outfit. He is wearing tall fluffy ears, a polystyrene cup tied to his face as a mouth, dressed in brown clothes and with large red clown shoes. Startled, the kid looks directly at them. Howard steps up and lands one blow to the kid, knocking him over.]

Howard: [exultant] YEEAAAAS! WOOOOHOOO! WOOOOAH!

[the boy is lying passed out on the canvas]

Howard: Stay down! Stay down there, you little midget!
Vince: Loser!
Howard: YES!! Howard Moon, I rain down the pain, I’m Monsoon Moon, I’m coming atcha like a beam, like a ray, like a laser, don’t try and stop me I’m quick. Like lightning. I’m frightening. Oowww! Chika-chika! [looks over to Jimmy the Reach] Yeah? You want a piece of me now? You got nothing!
Jimmy: Nothing, eh?
Howard: Yeah.
Jimmy: I’m going to have to teach you some manners, boy.
Howard: Yeah? Well come on then, step into the painy season.
Jimmy: I beg your pardon?
Howard: Painy, rainy. I’m switching the words around. Get with the lingo.
Jimmy: Listen you hooligan. I’m going to get you. Not today, but one day, you will feel my pugilistic rage upon your face. I always get my man.
Howard: [After a moment of confusion] Whatever! Come on now! I got the moves. [climbs out of ring]
Vince: Let’s get out of here.
Howard: He saw me!
Vince: He’s seen what’s going on.
Howard: He saw me!
Vince: He saw my boy!
Howard: Woo! Yeah!
Vince: You saw the damage he did.
Howard: [walking out the door] Wooo!
Vince: Seeya later. [reaching the door, leans in to Uncle]
Uncle: Hey. You do know he’s gonna die, don’t ya?
Vince: Yeah. [exits]
Uncle: Yeah. [tries to drink from the cup which he has stuffed into the top of his singlet, but gives up.]


Scene 7.
Zoo exterior. Outside Reptile House.

[Howard and Vince stroll back into the zoo and walk through the Reptile House. Howard is still vibing off his win.]

Howard: Monsoon Moon, they call me. Monsoon- what about this? What about: Thunderstorm Moon – he comes in like a heavy shower of pain.
Vince: Nice. What about Hailstone Howard?
Howard: That’s good too.
Vince: [taking hold of Howard’s arm, and pointing] Hey, Howard. Gideon.

[Gideon is shutting the doors to an enclosure up ahead.]

Howard: Oh yeah.
Vince: Go and tell her about the fight tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, right.
Vince: But be a bit cool, you know? Don’t be too eager.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Go on.

[Gideon locks up and turns to walk away. Howard, trailed by Vince, meets her.]

Howard: Hi Mrs Gideon. Big fight tomorrow night for me, I hope you can make it. I’d love you to be there. Please come. Please.
Vince: Call her.
Howard: Bitch.
Vince: Not that call.
Howard: Nice… bitch.
Vince: [giving Howard a firm shove] Get out of the way. I’ll deal with this. [he steps right up to Gideon and smiles] Hey, Mrs Gideon.
Gideon: Hello Vince.
Vince: How’s it going?
Gideon: Oh well you know, okay.
Vince: [pointing to where Howard has wandered off in the background to practice some air punches, before disappearing into the hut] That’s my boy there, I’m training him up.
Gideon: Oh.
Vince: He’s pretty hard. Big fight tomorrow night, it’s gonna be really exciting.
Gideon: Oh really?
Vince: I can get you ringside tickets if you want.
Gideon: Well, I’m not so sure… I don’t really like violence.
Vince: Right. Um, just out of interest, what do you like?
Gideon: Trumpets.
Vince: Trumpets?
Gideon: Trumpets and bookmarks.
Vince: [nodding] Right.

[Gideon exits. Vince wanders towards Naboo’s kiosk. Naboo is sitting in the kiosk window looking stately. On his right he has a pile of polystyrene cups with a sign reading: ‘Pocket Cups: 2 euros’]

Vince: Hey Naboo, you’ve gotta help me.
Naboo: Where are my kangaroo videos?
Vince: Oh, I forget them, sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind.
Naboo: That’s a fine.
Vince: A fine?
Naboo: Five euro.
Vince: Yeah yeah, whatever. Look, you’ve gotta help me with Howard.
Naboo: What, the raging bull?
Vince: He’s more of a demented swan. That’s what I’m talking about, you’ve gotta help me Naboo, he’s gonna get killed. Is there anything you can do?

[Naboo looks confused for a moment, then to the loud whirr of a small motor, he starts to slowly rotate around in his chair. As he comes around to face the front again, his expression has changed to a grin, and he is holding a didgeridoo. He holds one end of it up to his mouth, and blows. Instead of a sound, red dust flies out all over Vince’s face.]

Vince: What was that?? You Jack of Clubs. I said could you help me, not blow dust in my eyes! [Vince walks off in disgust, wiping it from his eyes]
Naboo: [to camera] It is magic dust, what is he, a muppet?


Scene 8.
Boosh Hut, night.

[Howard and Vince are both lying on the floor in their pyjamas and sleeping bags. They are lying with their heads close together but making a 90degree angle. Two mugs lay near their heads.]

Vince: Howard, I’ve been thinking, yeah? I mean, you’re a sensitive man. Do you really wanna be fighting? I mean, you’re a pacifist. You’re Britain’s leading cream poet.
Howard: That’s loser talk, Vince. My cream days are over. [camera slowly begins to spin and zoom in on Vince as Howard is talking] I’ve gone off; curdled, Vince, Yeah. I’ve got my edge back. That’s the word on the street now. I’m nobody’s bitch no more. I’m Howard Moon. Monsoon Moon, huh. Tomorrow night I’m going to be fighting a vicious, vicious animal, and that animal could kill me in an instant. But it’s not gonna. Because you, trained me up. You gave me that confidence, Vince. You believed in me. [by this time the camera has zoomed right up to Vince’s panicked eyes as the guilt has well and truly set in] I wouldn’t be fighting tomorrow if it wasn’t for you. Funny that, innit. It’s all down to you. You. You. You…


Scene 9.
Vince’s Dream. A desert.

[Howard’s echoed voice trails off as Vince is transported into a dream. He is walking through the desert, surrounded by cacti and sand-worn rocks, under a red and orange night sky. A tribal drone is heard in the background. One silhouetted cacti suddenly lights up and has the head of Naboo. His branch arms change and point upwards, where two moons hang in the sky. Vince looks down at his closed fist, and opens his fingers to find two stones in his palm. A campfire ignites, and Vince approaches five masked tribal figures sitting around it. He joins their circle and is invited to drink from a large communal cup. As he passes the cup onwards, we discover Vince has grown a giant masked head of his own. The tribesmen start playing instruments – hand drums, a guitar-like instrument fashioned from wood, and a didgeridoo. Then, the tribal music stops and we see one of the tribesmen playing a standard drum kit. The tribe and Vince are suddenly all wearing the same turquoise tracksuits and dancing around the fire and clapping to a tasty bassline. The Naboo-Cactus begins to sing.]

Naboo: How’d he gets to kill a roo?
It’s all you got to do.
How’d he gets to kill a roo?
It’s all you got to do.
Yeah tell me now!
[repeat ad nauseum]

[during Naboo’s song, one of the tribesmen holds up 2 glowing red balls. Between dancing, we are reminded of the two moons and the two stones. Howard also appears in the background, manically punching the air like an idiot. Vince begins to reverse backwards out of the dream as the song finishes.]


Scene 10.
Boosh Hut. Daytime.

[Vince wakes with a start and sits bolt upright. Howard is already in the kitchen preparing breakfast.]

Howard: [stretching] Morning.
Vince: Oh. I had this really weird dream.
Howard: Oh yeah?
Vince: All these weird images. Something to do with the fight.
Howard: Yeah, well, don’t worry about that. Dreams don’t mean anything. Grapefruit? [he holds up 2 grapefruit side by side]
Vince: [shaking his head, uneasy and cautious] No.
Howard: Eggs? [holds up 2 eggs in a similar manner]

[Vince just stares in distress]

Howard: Didgeridoo? [holds up a didgeridoo which has appeared out of nowhere]

[Vince is now mildly alarmed and very concerned]

Howard: Come on then. Get up. Let’s get ready for the fight.
Vince: Alright.
Howard: What are you gonna be wearing tonight?
Vince: Why?
Howard: Nothing outlandish, okay?
Vince: Alright.
Howard: I’m the star of the show.
Vince: Fine!
Howard: I don’t want you pulling focus on me, okay?
Vince: Hey, come on, you’re the star. It’ll be fine.


Scene 11.
Dressing room at the boxing match.

[Howard, dressed in a very high-waited pair of red shorts and a blue singlet, is practicing his punches. He is also wearing red boxing gloves and has a towel wrapped over his shoulders. Vince enters in an altogether flamboyant outfit: skinny black jeans, red belt, a blue pinstripe jacket over a white print shirt, and sunglasses, topped with a purple feather boa and bright red cowboy hat.]

Howard: [motioning to outfit] What are you doing?
Vince: What?
Howard: What are you wearing? I thought I told you not to pull focus?
Vince: Come on. No one’s looking at me, you’re the star of the show.

[a small boy materialises in the doorway]

Boy: Can I have your autograph please?
Vince: Not now. [exits]
Howard: I’m the fighter, you little titbox.

[The boy does a tiny lunge at him with his fists raised]

Howard: Alright! Easy!


Scene 12.
The boxing ring.

[A crowd has gathered to watch the fight. Fossil is standing in the centre of the ring, and begins speaking into the microphone that has been lowered from the ceiling]

Fossil: Welcome to the Zooniverse First Annual Shady Underground Boxing Competition!

[the audience applauds wildly. A giant box crate is pushed towards the ring. It is marked with a sign that reads: DANGEROUS MARSUPIAL]

Fossil: In the crate! Weighing in at 380 pounds…

[From behind a curtain, Vince and Howard step up waiting to be announced]

Fossil: …after 212 kills, 147 disembowelments, wanted in 18 countries for eating a man’s face right off his skull – the antepodean, killin machi-ean: the kangaroo!

[a crowbar is used to wrench the front off the crate. A spotlight from behind silhouettes the head of the angry roo. He steps into the light, paws waving, screeching wildly, with glowing mad eyes]

Howard: [alarmed] What’s all that about? I didn’t know anything about that!
Vince: Come on, it’s just hype! You’ll get the same treatment.
Howard: Will I?
Vince: Let’s here hear your introduction! Come on. [places his hand on Howard’s shoulder in support]

Fossil: Aaaaand fighting the Killeroo – Howard Moooon!

[The curtain lifts and Vince raises Howard’s arm. The crowd is deadly silent.]

Fossil: Former male prostitute.

[Frowning, Howard puts his arm down. The pair walk slowly up to the ring past a sea of blank and silent faces. Fossil is now seated at a commentator’s table next to a blonde guy with a mullet. They both have large microphones and Fossil has two polystyrene cups, one sticking out of each breast pocket. A small sign on the left of screen indicates the Pocket Cups are being sold. The bell is beside them.]

Fossil: With me here ringside is Joey Moose, a marsupial expert here at the Zooniverse. Joey: take it away.
Joey: [in a bad Australian accent] Very excited to be here Mr Fossil. The kangaroo is a magnificent animal. Now this fellow’s actually a Western Grey… [voice trails into background]

[The kangaroo is seated in the blue corner of the ring with a towel across his shoulders wearing black gloves. He is growling to himself and wears a menacing frown. Howard is in the opposite corner being prepped by Vince.]

Howard: Yeah. Oww!
Vince: Let’s get you loosened up.
Howard: Ah! Ah! Not so harsh!
Vince: Come on. You’ve got a knot there.
Howard: It hurts! Easy!

[Naboo is now standing in the centre of the ring as the audience continues cheering.]

Fossil: And your referee today is Naboo! The Shaman. And kiosk vendor.

[Howard and the Killeroo meet with Naboo in the centre of the ring.]

Naboo: Alright. I want a good clean fight. No biting. No kicking. Nothing below the tail.
Howard: Mm.
Naboo: Touch gloves.

[Howard touches his gloves together.]

Naboo: With the roo.

[The opponents touch gloves.]

Fossil: And it looks like the bell is about to ring. [He pushes Joey’s head against the bell and it dings]

[Howard starts leaping around the ring pumping his fists, almost dancing. Killeroo looks confused and amused. Howard comes at the roo and swings, but is hit with an effortless blow to the head and is knocked to the canvas. The crowd goes wild. Howard scrambles to his feet and clambers to his corner where he attempts to climb out of the ring. Vince stops him and pushes him back. Howard now begins prancing.]

Vince: Get in there! Slap him! Howard, come on! What are you doing? Stop dancing! Move in! Come on Howard. Grab his fur! Go on Howard! Pull his tail!

[The angry and intensifying screeching of the roo overpowers Vince’s calls of encouragement. As Howard goes in for the attack, the Killeroo lands another easy punch into his face. We see blood forming on Howard’s cheek as he falls violently backwards onto the canvas. The crowd start chanting “die!”. The kangaroo just appears bemused and shakes its head. Vince, frowning, suddenly looks down and finds 2 stones in his hand just like in his dream. He throws them both at the bell, they hit with 2 ‘dings’ and the round ends. Naboo pushes Howard back to his corner where he falls onto his stool, panting.]

Vince: [pressing on his shoulders] Now, sit down. That was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever, but don’t worry, alright? Dance around a bit. Bob and weave, okay? And keep him at bay with your jab, alright?

[Across the ring a trainer is whispering in the kangaroo’s ear. Howard, looking a little worse for wear, stares directly up at Vince with a blank gaze.]

Vince: Just punch him in the snout. Alright? Howard? Howard?
Howard: Have you come about the croutons?
Vince: Just punch the big mouse. [puts mouth guard into Howard’s mouth.]

[An old man does a circuit of the ring holding up a card bearing the number 2]

Fossil: We’re about to start Round Two.

[The bell dings]

Vince: G’on!

[Howard wastes no time, running straight up to the roo in a crazed frenzy. He is immediately punched in the face with a force that sends him a few steps back. The kangaroo lunges and forces Howard up against the ropes to the roar of the crowd. Howard, now with his arms around the roo, begins punching furiously. Killeroo rears back and starts doing sharp jabs to Howard’s face, over and over, until he eventually falls sideways onto the canvas.]

Fossil: He’s down! Don’t wake up! He’s down for the count!

[In slow motion, we see Howard hit the canvas again to the strains of Mozart’s Requiem. The camera angle is sideways so that the floor is along the left side of the screen and Howard is upright. The crowd leaps behind him. He can see Vince motioning for him to “stay down!” and not to try and get up. Cameras start flashing as Naboo begins the count. Then, Howard looks up, and Gideon enters. He blinks, and brings a hand up under himself. As he begins to rise, Vince becomes more animated: “Howard, stay down!” But Howard slowly pulls himself upright, with a new focus.]

Fossil: OH! Moon is up! Oh my God! How resilient is this?!

[The bell rings signifying the end of the round. Howard is back on his stool panting, with Vince over his shoulder.]

Vince: Listen Howard. There’s been a terrible mix up.
Howard: What are you talking about?
Vince: I don’t know anything about boxing!
Howard: Eh?
Vince: I’m a French Duke!
Howard: What? What about your Uncle? You trained me up!
Vince: That wasn’t my uncle… [motions into crowd] That’s my uncle.

[A French Duke, complete with bouffant wig and tassels, sits ringside, and waves his handkerchief at the duo.]

Howard: [confused] I don’t care. It’s gone too far. I’m Monsoon Moon. And there’s a painstorm a-brewing. [he replaces his mouthguard as the bell dings, and he dives back into the fight.]

[A montage of Howard being beaten up by Killeroo plays. Vince looks pained from the ringside. Howard gets more and more bloodied, and the roo continues to screech.]

Fossil: Moon is up against the ropes. He’s being pummelled left and right. [a red splatter flies across Fossil’s face. More of it splashes over while he’s talking] It’s a real bloodbath. … Joey, would you stop eating those tomatoes. [Camera pans out to reveal Joey Moose innocently with his pile of tomatoes.] I can’t believe what’s going on here! He’s gonna eat his face off. I can’t wait!

[Killeroo, will Howard trapped against the ropes, reaches his gloves up to cup Howard’s face. In slow motion, he grabs Howard’s terrified head and starts to come at him with his mouth open, screeching. Vince, watching on in horror, suddenly looks up and sees a large wooden tribal mask amongst the crowd. Triggered, Vince gazes upwards seeing flashbacks of his dream and the following morning. The two moons. The two red balls. The two eggs. The two stones. The two grapefruit. They start to fly through his brain on a loop.]

Vince: All the images… what do they mean? [yelling] How do you kill a roo?

[suddenly the room is empty save for Vince and the Tribesman, who is standing in the ring in his turquoise tracksuit. He removes his giant mask to reveal a painted face and afro-ed black hair]

Tribesman: His balls, mate. Grab his flamin’ balls.
Vince: Oh, right.
Tribesman: Christ, you’re thick.

[The room springs back to life with the yelling of the crowd. Vince crawls under the ropes into the ring and grabs at the kangaroo’s ball sac. The roo screams. Howard, unsure of what has just happened, tries to look around. Killeroo lets go of him, and Howard sees Vince.]

Vince: Now, Howard! Now!

[Howard throws an uppercut to the kangaroo’s head, and sends him flat on his back on the canvas, spreadeagled. Naboo runs over, and indicates that he’s out.]

Fossil: Moon must have gotten a punch in! This is not supposed to happen! What’s going on?

[Howard throws his hands in the air in triumph. Vince stands up and they embrace. The crowd is applauding wildly as the pair bask in the glory of the win. In the centre of the crowd, Gideon appears, clapping politely. Howard, sweating and bloodied, tries to run towards her, but Vince holds him back.]

Howard: [howling in the style of Rocky’s “Adrienne!”] Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! [finally he breaks free]
Vince: Howard!
Howard: Howard Moon! Monsoon Moon! [removing his gloves and throwing them into the crowd] Raining down the pain! Wooohoo!

[Gideon takes off her glasses and nods at him in fond approval]

Howard: Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! [overjoyed, he goes to remove his singlet]
Vince: NO! NO! NO!
Howard: Woooo!

[With his back to the camera, Howard strips singlet off and swings it around his head. The crowd fall deathly silent at the sight of his bare chest. Vince reels back against the ropes. Fossil drops his microphone. Joey drops his tomato. Naboo just stares. A mixture of shock and disgust come over the crowd. Howard stops howling and looks around at the crowd. Gideon is overcome, reaches her hand over her mouth, and runs for the exit.]

[The curtains close on the scene]


[In front of the Curtain.]

Howard: Hope you enjoyed the show. I think you’ll find I displayed some pretty powerful moves.
Vince: Don’t be ridiculous. You’d have got your head smashed off if it weren’t for me.
Howard: Whatever. I came out on top, yeah? Ain’t nobody out there who can touch me. I’m Howard Moon, I’m Monsoon Moon, I rain d-

[Howard is interrupted by a sudden violent punch to the face, and he falls to the ground. The punch has come from a glove on the end of a long red tracksuited arm, which retracts as quickly as it appeared. Vince, who finds his hilarious, walks off. A little circular window insert appears on screen with the head of Jimmy the Reach.]

Jimmy: I always get my man.

[Roll credits. Under the credits is the freshwater fish from Mrs Gideon’s pond.]

Carp: Goodbye. The show is finished now. Go on. Get away. Sling your hook. Show finished. All over. [he starts to swim slowly offscreen, and raises his voice] What are you looking at, it’s all over! Get away!