KILLEROO (Season 1, Episode 1)

[in front of the curtain]
Stuff happens here, but I’m not sure what it is. When I track down the footage I’ll update the page.


[opening credits]

Scene 1.
Inside the Boosh Hut.

[Vince is at the kitchen bench chopping up various fruits. Howard enters.]

Howard: Alright?
Vince: Alright.
Howard: Mrs Gideon ring for me today?
Vince: [laughing] As if she’s gonna ring for you. [stops laughing abruptly] Oh, I mean, she might do.
Howard: Yeah, you’re right. Why would she ring for me. She thinks I’m an idiot.
Vince: Hey, come on Howard. There’s plenty of reasons why she wouldn’t ring for you. I mean, maybe she’s trapped in a… cabinet.
Howard: [confused] She’s a sophisticated woman, Vince, she wouldn’t get trapped in cabinets, okay?
Vince: People get trapped in cabinets all the time, you know, doctors, dentists, lawyers. Haven’t you seen the show? Captain Cabinet, Trapped in Cabinets…
Howard: Can he get out
Both: Will he get out? Course he will. Captain Cabinet…
Vince: [continues singing] Trapped in cabinets…
Howard: [interjecting] Yes I have seen it. She’s not trapped in a cabinet, she’s over there.

[Through the window, we see Gideon speaking to another keeper.]

Vince: Oh yeah.
Howard: There she is. [violin music starts playing as he begins a recitation of his ode to Gideon] Oh sweet lady. With your face like a cream oval. Your nose. Like a delicious slope of cream. [cutaways of Gideon talking in slow motion] Your ears like, cream flaps. Your teeth. Like hard, shiny pegs of cream.

[Howard is interrupted by the sound of a blender that Vince is not-so-tactfully using to blend his fruit.]

Howard: Do you mind?
Vince: [turning off blender] Hmm?
Howard: I’m doing a poem.
Vince: Oh, sorry.
Howard: Mrs Gideon.

[Howard exits the room. Vince follows him into the lounge. Howard sits down on the couch with a dejected sigh and hugs a cushion]

Vince: Come on, Howard. [perches on arm of the couch] I mean, I think you’re going about it all the wrong way with Gideon.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: Well you know, I mean you ask her out, she says no, and what do you do about it? … Hang about her garden all night weeping into her fishpond.
Howard: How do you know about that?
Vince: How do I know? It’s in all the papers! “Man Kills Koi Carp With Human Tears”, pages 4 to 44! They interviewed one of the carp and everything. He was furious.

Cutaway to Carp.
Carp: Oh, it was so salty. I’m freshwater.

Return to scene.
Vince: [touches Howard’s arm sympathetically] I don’t think you understand women. I mean, what do you think women like?
Howard: [after a long pause] Trumpets?
Vince: Trumpets?
Howard: Bookmarks.
Vince: They don’t like bookmarks. They like edgy characters.
Howard: I’ve got edge.
Vince: You’re about as edgy as a Satsuma.
Howard: I’m a crazy man. I’m a nutjob. I’m a freakball. You know? I break through all boundaries. If I see a boundary, I eat a boundary. And wash it down with a cup of hot steaming rules. Eh?

[Howard throws cushion on the floor defiantly. After a moment, Vince motions to the floor. The two exchange looks between each other and the cushion. Eventually Howard leans forward and grabs the cushion, dumping it back on the couch.]

Fossil: [over loudspeaker] Moon. Come to my office right now. Thank you!

Vince: You better run along, Danger Mouse.
Howard: I’m not running along to Fossil. I’ll go in my own sweet time. They call me the Maverick.
Vince: You’re Fossil’s bitch. That’s the word on the street.
Howard: Word on the street? Who are you? T-Bone Wilson?
Vince: I spoke to Leroy. He said he saw you dancing for Fossil in the moonlight. In little blue pants.
Howard: I don’t dance for Fossil, okay?
Vince: He was giving you coin, you was giving him booty.
Howard: Listen. I was playing Fossil like a pipe.
Vince: [getting up] Yeah, whatever.
Howard: Yeah? Yeah? I was putting a move on him!
Vince: As if your moves work. [puts on large elaborate red hat with a feather]
Howard: Nice hat.
Vince: [grabbing blender full of fruit] Thanks. [exits]
Howard: Yeah, I got the moves. I got the moves, no mistake. I don’t run along to Fossil. I go in my own time.
Fossil: [over loudspeaker] Moon! I won’t tell you again, ma bitch!
Howard: [getting up quickly] I had to see him about something anyway. [runs out of the hut so fast that he forgets to shut the door. We see him darting off]


Scene 2.
Bob Fossil’s Office.

[Sign above door reads: Bob Fossil: Zoo Manager. Inside, we hear the strains of “Dreadlock Holiday” by 10CC. Fossil, dressed in an ill-fitting pale blue uniform, is performing a ridiculous and seemingly sensual dance interpretation from behind his desk. Howard stands patiently in the office, mildly disturbed, waiting for instruction. The dance ends with a butt-slapping spin, and Fossil hits stop on the tape player just as the chorus kicks in.]

Fossil: And that’s why I don’t like cricket.
[a beat, then]
Howard: Was there anything else, Mr Fossil?
Fossil: Oh. You know those guys, with the little hands? You know, with the big pockets? You know, with the little version of themselves in the front pocket? [does bad kangaroo impersonation which involves sticking out his tongue and waving his ‘paws’]
Howard: Kangaroo.
Fossil: Yeah. Anyways, we can make ‘em fight, and make lots of money.
Howard: That goes against every principle I aspire to as a zookeeper. Animals should never be made to fight one another.
Fossil: Not one another, glossy dick. You!
Howard: Me? I’m not doing that, what are you talking about? No way am I fighting a kangaroo.
Fossil: Well how about Moon I give you this… [reaches into draw and pulls out a] cup. [wiggles it in the air enticingly] It’s polystyrene.
Howard: That’s not gonna swing it, Mr Fossil.
Fossil: [withdrawing cup] Alright. [stuffs the cup into the breast pocket of his shirt.] I didn’t want to have to do this Moon, but I’ve got pictures of you, nude. [hands Howard an envelope] That’s right. And I’m gonna put ‘em all over my body and run around the zoo.
Howard: [pulling a photo partially out of the envelope and glancing at it] You can’t do this.
Fossil: Oh yeah? I got a Xerox machine that says I can.

[Howard glares at Fossil and storms out of the office]

Fossil: [calling after him] The fight’s in two days, Moon. [Picks up a Dictaphone and speaks into it.] Note to self: Pocket Cup. [Attempts, unsuccessfully, to drink from the cup that is already awkwardly perched in his pocket] Mmm!


Scene 3.
Zoo exterior. Cages.

[Vince is raking leaves in one of the cages. Howard enters]
Vince: Hey.
Howard: Hey.
Vince: How’d it go with Fossil?
Howard: Well, not great. You’re not going to believe this. What he wants me to do, right, is fight with a kangaroo.
Vince: What?
Howard: To make money.
Vince: A kangaroo?
Howard: Yeah! Me! One on one with a kangaroo.
Vince: You’d get your head smashed off!
Howard: I know! It’s ridiculous. The man’s insane. I’m not doing it. The thing is, he’s got pictures of me naked. [holds up the envelope]
Vince: What?
Howard: Which he says he’s gonna put up round the zoo if I don’t fight, you know.
Vince: So what?
Howard: I’m not bothered. I’m mean I’m not – I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of, but..
Vince: Who cares? [takes envelope]
Howard: …It’s just slightly embarrassing.
Vince: People see pictures of naked people all the time. [starts to pull out a picture] I mean it’s not really going to make any – Oooaaaww! [howl of violent disgust, instigated from looking at one of the pictures.] Chriiiiiist!
Howard: What? What’s the matter?
Vince: What’s that??!?
Howard: Everyone’s got that, haven’t they?
Vince: No, that business there!!!
Howard: That’s just normal, isn’t it?
Vince: You’re a freak! [throws pictures to the ground]
Howard: What do you mean? It’s just this, Vince! [begins to unbutton his shirt]
Vince: [backing right up to the edge of the cage in terror] I don’t want to see it live!
Howard: [holding his shirt open away from camera] Vince, look! It’s just that!

[Vince throws himself back against the wall trying to find the door, his eyes bulging in absolute horror]

Howard: Vince!
Vince: Get away!
Howard: Vince!
Vince: You’re not right! [he finally manages to find the door handle, and leaps backwards out of the enclosure, closing the door behind him]
Howard: Vince!
Vince: [from outside cage] Get away!

[Howard, re-buttoning his shirt as he turns back towards the camera, looks forlorn. As he steps towards the front of the enclosure, the strains of a sad organ can be heard. Howard puts his fingers through the wire of the cage as he looks out at the world, and begins to sing.]

Howard: Disfigured and alone
Crawling in the shadows
Must I live like a freak?
Deformed, useless and embarrassed.
“Freak.”

[Howard is overcome with sadness, despondently strokes some foliage, and falls weeping against another cage as he leaves the enclosure.]


Scene 4.
Zoo Exterior. Bench in corridor near enclosures.

[Vince is sitting alone on the bench. Howard comes around the corner and begins to walk slowly towards him.]

Howard: Do you mind if I sit down? [Vince shrugs, so he sits] What am I gonna do?
Vince: Have you thought about joining the circus? [they exchange a glance in acknowledgement of the joke] You better do something, otherwise we’re in trouble.
Howard: How are you in trouble?
Vince: Well, Mick Jagger didn’t hang out with the Elephant Man, did he?
Howard: What am I gonna do, more to the point. Yeah? Mrs Gideon finds out about this, it’s over for me.
Vince: What about if you fight the kangaroo?
Howard: What?
Vince: Imagine if you fight the kangaroo and beat it. It’ll be amazing. You’ll be dangerous! You’ll have edge! You’ll be a pirate! Gideon will be all over you like a flannel.
Howard: Yeah well that’s a good plan.
Vince: It’s perfect!
Howard: One problem. How do I beat a kangaroo?
Vince: [thinks] I’ll train you up.
Howard: You?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: You’ll train me up.
Vince: Yeah. I’m a cockney bitch!
Howard: What?
Vince: I’m a ragamuffin from the streets!
Howard: You’re a French duke, if ever I saw one. You lie around in hammocks all day, eating soft cheese.
Vince: Listen. [punches the air] I’m a chimney sweep. I could train you up. All my family are into boxing. All of them. Even my aunty, she loves it. My family are nutters. My uncle once punched a man so hard, his legs became trombones. It was genius. It was embarrassing! The man had to leave the ring like this. [gets up, and does a little step dance while singing a trombone ditty]
Howard: Are you gonna help me or you gonna do a little dance?
Vince: Come on. Let’s get going. [claps hands on cut]


Scene 5.
Inside the Boosh Hut.

[On the other side of Vince’s clap, we find he and Howard standing in the lounge room dressed in hideous turquoise tracksuits. Howard’s is much too small, and the legs are too short so we can see his socks and sneakers. Vince is also wearing a cowboy hat and white cowboy boots, and holding video tapes.]

Howard: [motioning to himself] What’s this?
Vince: I could only get one size.
Howard: Your size. That’s nice.
Vince: Come on. These are the original tracksuits Carlos Santana wore when he was training for Woodstock.
Howard: Yeah, well he could’ve washed them, because they stink.
Vince: Never mind all of that, right. [holding up the tapes] Let’s check out your opponent, yeah? I got these videos off Naboo, kangaroo videos. Let’s check ‘em out.

[they go over to the lounge chair and Howard sits down. The camera is positioned as if on top of the TV set. Vince perches in front of the TV and inserts one of the tapes, using the remote control to turn it on.]

[Howard remains stoic throughout this scene.]
TV: …fully grown kangaroo if attacked, will lean back on its tail and using its hind legs, disembowel its prey in–
Vince: [pressing fast forward immediately, laughs nervously] Heh, that’s not true.
TV: …adult kangaroo can punch through solid steel-- [Vince fast forwards]… if a man were to fight a kangaroo, he would be immediately killed–
Vince: [pressing stop and ejecting the tape nervously] Actually, this is not the video I was thinking of. This is the one. [holds up the second tape, and places it in the machine]
TV: [sung] Skipper, Skipper, the kangaroo!

[Vince smiles and bobs his head]

TV: [male voice] Hey Skipper, how you doing? You alright there mate? [growling noises] Skipper! Skipper, you psycho, get off me! He’s gone berserk! [a woman on the video starts screaming as the growling increases.]

[Vince points the remote and repeatedly tries to turn it off, to no avail]

TV: He’s killing everyone! It’s a flaming bloodbath! Skipper, no! I’m being disembowelled!
Vince: [in desperation Vince pulls the tape out of the machine manually.] Umm… Let’s not concentrate on your opponent. Uh, I’ve got a better idea, let’s go to my uncle’s gym. He’ll know what to do. He’s great, he knows everything about boxing.

[Vince gets up and walks off. Howard remains seated staring at the screen which is now just snow and fuzz. After a moment, Vince returns and gently pulls him up by the arm.]

Vince: Come on, Carlos.


Scene 6.
Vince’s Uncle’s Gym.

[Two men are sparring in the foreground as Vince and Howard walk into the gym]

Vince: Ah, look at this place!

[They walk further inside and pass a ring where another two men are sparring.]

Vince: Ahh, it’s exactly as I remember. The old ropes. Huh! [a guy passes them] Hi Ralph. This is great, what do you reckon Howard?
Howard: It smells a bit funny in here.
Vince: A bit funny?
Howard: Yeah, a bit musty.
Vince: That’s the smell of brutish men, squirting out hot jets of man foam. You’ll be doing that in a minute.
Howard: Will I?
Vince: Look. That’s my Uncle up there.

[An old bloke is standing on the edge of the ring, leaning on the ropes.]

Uncle: [to boxers in the ring] Throw a net over ‘im. Alright. Take him out to dinner. Right, now, don’t kiss him.

Vince: Let me have a word, right? I don’t want you showing me up. You wait here.

Uncle: Hit him with some wood. [turning his attention to Vince as he approaches] Oi, no women in here.
Vince: [lifting his cowboy hat] It’s me, Vince!
Uncle: Vincey!
Vince: Yeah!
Uncle: I thought I’d lost you forever.

[Vince leans in and gives him a hug]

Uncle: [sternly] Hey. It’s nice to see you, but if you do that again I’ll rip your eyes out.
Vince: I’m gonna be a boxing trainer just like you, Uncle.
Uncle: Right.
Vince: Look at this guy, he’s my star pupil. [motions over his shoulder to Howard]
Uncle: Let’s have a look at him.

[Screen wipe. Vince & Uncle are sitting on the edge of the boxing ring. Howard is standing showing off his terrible moves. He leaps back and forth, whirring his fists. At one point he accidentally punches a small standing punch bag behind him, which springs back. Howard freezes with his back towards it as if waiting for prey and then slams his fist backwards into it. He is clearly a shite boxer. Both Vince and Uncle look concerned. Uncle is so stunned his cigar drops out of his mouth.]

Uncle: He looks like a retard. When’s the fight?
Vince: Tomorrow night.
Uncle: There’s only one way to get this boy ready for the fight.
Vince: Training montage!
Uncle: With music.
Vince: Yeah! [goes to put his arm around Uncle]
Uncle: Stop!
[Vince retracts]

Montage.
Howard attempts to punch a small ceiling ball, but misses as frequently as he hits it.
With his back to the phone, Howard pulls a phone receiver away from it supposedly to build muscle strength against the cord resistance.
Howard punching the ceiling ball, with more vigour, and less success.
Howard’s face straining. Eventually he lifts a tiny, tiny weight into frame.
Howard continues to struggle with the ceiling ball.
Uncle plays a mean electric guitar.
Vince helps Howard to scoff down sandwiches.
End Montage.

[Vince sits down next to Uncle on a bench]
Vince: Hey.
Uncle: Vincey.
Vince: Yeah?
Uncle: We’ve got a problem.
Vince: What is it?
Uncle: [holding up a polystyrene cup] It’s this cup. I don’t know what to do with it. Sometimes I wish there was a kind of [holds cup up to his chest and slides it up and down] pocket cup that someone could invent, you know, that you could drink liquids out –
Vince: [taking the cup away] What’re we gonna do with Howard?
Uncle: Oh. He’s hopeless. But I’ve got an idea.
Vince: Yeah?
Uncle: It’s an old boxing trick. What you do is, you build up his confidence, by letting him beat a weaker opponent.
Vince: Ahhh.
Uncle: Yeah.
Vince: Nice.
Uncle: I’ll go get someone.
Vince: [touching Uncle’s arm] Great.
Uncle: [aggressive] Easy does it, Margaret. [exits]
Vince: Hey Howard.
Howard: [enters shot] What’s happening?
Vince: We’re down to the critical stages of your training now, yeah?
Howard: Right.
Vince: Sparring.
Howard: Sparring.
Vince: Yep.
Howard: Ok. Who am I gonna fight? [points] This guy here?
Vince: Mmm, I don’t think so. He’s way too dangerous. That’s Mickey the Fist.

[From the back, we see a guy in headgear punching a bag. He turns around to reveal his face is actually made up entirely of fists.]

Howard: What about… this fellow? [Motions to a guy in a red tracksuit]
Vince: I don’t think so.
Howard: He’s more my standard, yeah?
Vince: Not really. That’s Jimmy the Reach. I mean, he doesn’t look like much, but check out his arms.

[A long shot of Jimmy reveals that his arms snake across the whole length of the room. Vince and Howard’s heads move from left to right following them. The punching bag that Jimmy is punching is on the opposite side of the room to the rest of him.]

Howard: Right, okay, well, who am I gonna fight then?
Vince: Don’t worry about it. My Uncle’s found someone that matches the exact proportions of your opponent. [points to ring]

[A small boy stands in the middle of the boxing ring, dressed in a bad kangaroo outfit. He is wearing tall fluffy ears, a polystyrene cup tied to his face as a mouth, dressed in brown clothes and with large red clown shoes. Startled, the kid looks directly at them. Howard steps up and lands one blow to the kid, knocking him over.]

Howard: [exultant] YEEAAAAS! WOOOOHOOO! WOOOOAH!

[the boy is lying passed out on the canvas]

Howard: Stay down! Stay down there, you little midget!
Vince: Loser!
Howard: YES!! Howard Moon, I rain down the pain, I’m Monsoon Moon, I’m coming atcha like a beam, like a ray, like a laser, don’t try and stop me I’m quick. Like lightning. I’m frightening. Oowww! Chika-chika! [looks over to Jimmy the Reach] Yeah? You want a piece of me now? You got nothing!
Jimmy: Nothing, eh?
Howard: Yeah.
Jimmy: I’m going to have to teach you some manners, boy.
Howard: Yeah? Well come on then, step into the painy season.
Jimmy: I beg your pardon?
Howard: Painy, rainy. I’m switching the words around. Get with the lingo.
Jimmy: Listen you hooligan. I’m going to get you. Not today, but one day, you will feel my pugilistic rage upon your face. I always get my man.
Howard: [After a moment of confusion] Whatever! Come on now! I got the moves. [climbs out of ring]
Vince: Let’s get out of here.
Howard: He saw me!
Vince: He’s seen what’s going on.
Howard: He saw me!
Vince: He saw my boy!
Howard: Woo! Yeah!
Vince: You saw the damage he did.
Howard: [walking out the door] Wooo!
Vince: Seeya later. [reaching the door, leans in to Uncle]
Uncle: Hey. You do know he’s gonna die, don’t ya?
Vince: Yeah. [exits]
Uncle: Yeah. [tries to drink from the cup which he has stuffed into the top of his singlet, but gives up.]


Scene 7.
Zoo exterior. Outside Reptile House.

[Howard and Vince stroll back into the zoo and walk through the Reptile House. Howard is still vibing off his win.]

Howard: Monsoon Moon, they call me. Monsoon- what about this? What about: Thunderstorm Moon – he comes in like a heavy shower of pain.
Vince: Nice. What about Hailstone Howard?
Howard: That’s good too.
Vince: [taking hold of Howard’s arm, and pointing] Hey, Howard. Gideon.

[Gideon is shutting the doors to an enclosure up ahead.]

Howard: Oh yeah.
Vince: Go and tell her about the fight tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, right.
Vince: But be a bit cool, you know? Don’t be too eager.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Go on.

[Gideon locks up and turns to walk away. Howard, trailed by Vince, meets her.]

Howard: Hi Mrs Gideon. Big fight tomorrow night for me, I hope you can make it. I’d love you to be there. Please come. Please.
Vince: Call her.
Howard: Bitch.
Vince: Not that call.
Howard: Nice… bitch.
Vince: [giving Howard a firm shove] Get out of the way. I’ll deal with this. [he steps right up to Gideon and smiles] Hey, Mrs Gideon.
Gideon: Hello Vince.
Vince: How’s it going?
Gideon: Oh well you know, okay.
Vince: [pointing to where Howard has wandered off in the background to practice some air punches, before disappearing into the hut] That’s my boy there, I’m training him up.
Gideon: Oh.
Vince: He’s pretty hard. Big fight tomorrow night, it’s gonna be really exciting.
Gideon: Oh really?
Vince: I can get you ringside tickets if you want.
Gideon: Well, I’m not so sure… I don’t really like violence.
Vince: Right. Um, just out of interest, what do you like?
Gideon: Trumpets.
Vince: Trumpets?
Gideon: Trumpets and bookmarks.
Vince: [nodding] Right.

[Gideon exits. Vince wanders towards Naboo’s kiosk. Naboo is sitting in the kiosk window looking stately. On his right he has a pile of polystyrene cups with a sign reading: ‘Pocket Cups: 2 euros’]

Vince: Hey Naboo, you’ve gotta help me.
Naboo: Where are my kangaroo videos?
Vince: Oh, I forget them, sorry, I’ve got a lot on my mind.
Naboo: That’s a fine.
Vince: A fine?
Naboo: Five euro.
Vince: Yeah yeah, whatever. Look, you’ve gotta help me with Howard.
Naboo: What, the raging bull?
Vince: He’s more of a demented swan. That’s what I’m talking about, you’ve gotta help me Naboo, he’s gonna get killed. Is there anything you can do?

[Naboo looks confused for a moment, then to the loud whirr of a small motor, he starts to slowly rotate around in his chair. As he comes around to face the front again, his expression has changed to a grin, and he is holding a didgeridoo. He holds one end of it up to his mouth, and blows. Instead of a sound, red dust flies out all over Vince’s face.]

Vince: What was that?? You Jack of Clubs. I said could you help me, not blow dust in my eyes! [Vince walks off in disgust, wiping it from his eyes]
Naboo: [to camera] It is magic dust, what is he, a muppet?


Scene 8.
Boosh Hut, night.

[Howard and Vince are both lying on the floor in their pyjamas and sleeping bags. They are lying with their heads close together but making a 90degree angle. Two mugs lay near their heads.]

Vince: Howard, I’ve been thinking, yeah? I mean, you’re a sensitive man. Do you really wanna be fighting? I mean, you’re a pacifist. You’re Britain’s leading cream poet.
Howard: That’s loser talk, Vince. My cream days are over. [camera slowly begins to spin and zoom in on Vince as Howard is talking] I’ve gone off; curdled, Vince, Yeah. I’ve got my edge back. That’s the word on the street now. I’m nobody’s bitch no more. I’m Howard Moon. Monsoon Moon, huh. Tomorrow night I’m going to be fighting a vicious, vicious animal, and that animal could kill me in an instant. But it’s not gonna. Because you, trained me up. You gave me that confidence, Vince. You believed in me. [by this time the camera has zoomed right up to Vince’s panicked eyes as the guilt has well and truly set in] I wouldn’t be fighting tomorrow if it wasn’t for you. Funny that, innit. It’s all down to you. You. You. You…


Scene 9.
Vince’s Dream. A desert.

[Howard’s echoed voice trails off as Vince is transported into a dream. He is walking through the desert, surrounded by cacti and sand-worn rocks, under a red and orange night sky. A tribal drone is heard in the background. One silhouetted cacti suddenly lights up and has the head of Naboo. His branch arms change and point upwards, where two moons hang in the sky. Vince looks down at his closed fist, and opens his fingers to find two stones in his palm. A campfire ignites, and Vince approaches five masked tribal figures sitting around it. He joins their circle and is invited to drink from a large communal cup. As he passes the cup onwards, we discover Vince has grown a giant masked head of his own. The tribesmen start playing instruments – hand drums, a guitar-like instrument fashioned from wood, and a didgeridoo. Then, the tribal music stops and we see one of the tribesmen playing a standard drum kit. The tribe and Vince are suddenly all wearing the same turquoise tracksuits and dancing around the fire and clapping to a tasty bassline. The Naboo-Cactus begins to sing.]

Naboo: How’d he gets to kill a roo?
It’s all you got to do.
How’d he gets to kill a roo?
It’s all you got to do.
Yeah tell me now!
[repeat ad nauseum]

[during Naboo’s song, one of the tribesmen holds up 2 glowing red balls. Between dancing, we are reminded of the two moons and the two stones. Howard also appears in the background, manically punching the air like an idiot. Vince begins to reverse backwards out of the dream as the song finishes.]


Scene 10.
Boosh Hut. Daytime.

[Vince wakes with a start and sits bolt upright. Howard is already in the kitchen preparing breakfast.]

Howard: [stretching] Morning.
Vince: Oh. I had this really weird dream.
Howard: Oh yeah?
Vince: All these weird images. Something to do with the fight.
Howard: Yeah, well, don’t worry about that. Dreams don’t mean anything. Grapefruit? [he holds up 2 grapefruit side by side]
Vince: [shaking his head, uneasy and cautious] No.
Howard: Eggs? [holds up 2 eggs in a similar manner]

[Vince just stares in distress]

Howard: Didgeridoo? [holds up a didgeridoo which has appeared out of nowhere]

[Vince is now mildly alarmed and very concerned]

Howard: Come on then. Get up. Let’s get ready for the fight.
Vince: Alright.
Howard: What are you gonna be wearing tonight?
Vince: Why?
Howard: Nothing outlandish, okay?
Vince: Alright.
Howard: I’m the star of the show.
Vince: Fine!
Howard: I don’t want you pulling focus on me, okay?
Vince: Hey, come on, you’re the star. It’ll be fine.


Scene 11.
Dressing room at the boxing match.

[Howard, dressed in a very high-waited pair of red shorts and a blue singlet, is practicing his punches. He is also wearing red boxing gloves and has a towel wrapped over his shoulders. Vince enters in an altogether flamboyant outfit: skinny black jeans, red belt, a blue pinstripe jacket over a white print shirt, and sunglasses, topped with a purple feather boa and bright red cowboy hat.]

Howard: [motioning to outfit] What are you doing?
Vince: What?
Howard: What are you wearing? I thought I told you not to pull focus?
Vince: Come on. No one’s looking at me, you’re the star of the show.

[a small boy materialises in the doorway]

Boy: Can I have your autograph please?
Vince: Not now. [exits]
Howard: I’m the fighter, you little titbox.

[The boy does a tiny lunge at him with his fists raised]

Howard: Alright! Easy!


Scene 12.
The boxing ring.

[A crowd has gathered to watch the fight. Fossil is standing in the centre of the ring, and begins speaking into the microphone that has been lowered from the ceiling]

Fossil: Welcome to the Zooniverse First Annual Shady Underground Boxing Competition!

[the audience applauds wildly. A giant box crate is pushed towards the ring. It is marked with a sign that reads: DANGEROUS MARSUPIAL]

Fossil: In the crate! Weighing in at 380 pounds…

[From behind a curtain, Vince and Howard step up waiting to be announced]

Fossil: …after 212 kills, 147 disembowelments, wanted in 18 countries for eating a man’s face right off his skull – the antepodean, killin machi-ean: the kangaroo!

[a crowbar is used to wrench the front off the crate. A spotlight from behind silhouettes the head of the angry roo. He steps into the light, paws waving, screeching wildly, with glowing mad eyes]

Howard: [alarmed] What’s all that about? I didn’t know anything about that!
Vince: Come on, it’s just hype! You’ll get the same treatment.
Howard: Will I?
Vince: Let’s here hear your introduction! Come on. [places his hand on Howard’s shoulder in support]

Fossil: Aaaaand fighting the Killeroo – Howard Moooon!

[The curtain lifts and Vince raises Howard’s arm. The crowd is deadly silent.]

Fossil: Former male prostitute.

[Frowning, Howard puts his arm down. The pair walk slowly up to the ring past a sea of blank and silent faces. Fossil is now seated at a commentator’s table next to a blonde guy with a mullet. They both have large microphones and Fossil has two polystyrene cups, one sticking out of each breast pocket. A small sign on the left of screen indicates the Pocket Cups are being sold. The bell is beside them.]

Fossil: With me here ringside is Joey Moose, a marsupial expert here at the Zooniverse. Joey: take it away.
Joey: [in a bad Australian accent] Very excited to be here Mr Fossil. The kangaroo is a magnificent animal. Now this fellow’s actually a Western Grey… [voice trails into background]

[The kangaroo is seated in the blue corner of the ring with a towel across his shoulders wearing black gloves. He is growling to himself and wears a menacing frown. Howard is in the opposite corner being prepped by Vince.]

Howard: Yeah. Oww!
Vince: Let’s get you loosened up.
Howard: Ah! Ah! Not so harsh!
Vince: Come on. You’ve got a knot there.
Howard: It hurts! Easy!

[Naboo is now standing in the centre of the ring as the audience continues cheering.]

Fossil: And your referee today is Naboo! The Shaman. And kiosk vendor.

[Howard and the Killeroo meet with Naboo in the centre of the ring.]

Naboo: Alright. I want a good clean fight. No biting. No kicking. Nothing below the tail.
Howard: Mm.
Naboo: Touch gloves.

[Howard touches his gloves together.]

Naboo: With the roo.

[The opponents touch gloves.]

Fossil: And it looks like the bell is about to ring. [He pushes Joey’s head against the bell and it dings]

[Howard starts leaping around the ring pumping his fists, almost dancing. Killeroo looks confused and amused. Howard comes at the roo and swings, but is hit with an effortless blow to the head and is knocked to the canvas. The crowd goes wild. Howard scrambles to his feet and clambers to his corner where he attempts to climb out of the ring. Vince stops him and pushes him back. Howard now begins prancing.]

Vince: Get in there! Slap him! Howard, come on! What are you doing? Stop dancing! Move in! Come on Howard. Grab his fur! Go on Howard! Pull his tail!

[The angry and intensifying screeching of the roo overpowers Vince’s calls of encouragement. As Howard goes in for the attack, the Killeroo lands another easy punch into his face. We see blood forming on Howard’s cheek as he falls violently backwards onto the canvas. The crowd start chanting “die!”. The kangaroo just appears bemused and shakes its head. Vince, frowning, suddenly looks down and finds 2 stones in his hand just like in his dream. He throws them both at the bell, they hit with 2 ‘dings’ and the round ends. Naboo pushes Howard back to his corner where he falls onto his stool, panting.]

Vince: [pressing on his shoulders] Now, sit down. That was possibly the weakest start to a boxing match ever, but don’t worry, alright? Dance around a bit. Bob and weave, okay? And keep him at bay with your jab, alright?

[Across the ring a trainer is whispering in the kangaroo’s ear. Howard, looking a little worse for wear, stares directly up at Vince with a blank gaze.]

Vince: Just punch him in the snout. Alright? Howard? Howard?
Howard: Have you come about the croutons?
Vince: Just punch the big mouse. [puts mouth guard into Howard’s mouth.]

[An old man does a circuit of the ring holding up a card bearing the number 2]

Fossil: We’re about to start Round Two.

[The bell dings]

Vince: G’on!

[Howard wastes no time, running straight up to the roo in a crazed frenzy. He is immediately punched in the face with a force that sends him a few steps back. The kangaroo lunges and forces Howard up against the ropes to the roar of the crowd. Howard, now with his arms around the roo, begins punching furiously. Killeroo rears back and starts doing sharp jabs to Howard’s face, over and over, until he eventually falls sideways onto the canvas.]

Fossil: He’s down! Don’t wake up! He’s down for the count!

[In slow motion, we see Howard hit the canvas again to the strains of Mozart’s Requiem. The camera angle is sideways so that the floor is along the left side of the screen and Howard is upright. The crowd leaps behind him. He can see Vince motioning for him to “stay down!” and not to try and get up. Cameras start flashing as Naboo begins the count. Then, Howard looks up, and Gideon enters. He blinks, and brings a hand up under himself. As he begins to rise, Vince becomes more animated: “Howard, stay down!” But Howard slowly pulls himself upright, with a new focus.]

Fossil: OH! Moon is up! Oh my God! How resilient is this?!

[The bell rings signifying the end of the round. Howard is back on his stool panting, with Vince over his shoulder.]

Vince: Listen Howard. There’s been a terrible mix up.
Howard: What are you talking about?
Vince: I don’t know anything about boxing!
Howard: Eh?
Vince: I’m a French Duke!
Howard: What? What about your Uncle? You trained me up!
Vince: That wasn’t my uncle… [motions into crowd] That’s my uncle.

[A French Duke, complete with bouffant wig and tassels, sits ringside, and waves his handkerchief at the duo.]

Howard: [confused] I don’t care. It’s gone too far. I’m Monsoon Moon. And there’s a painstorm a-brewing. [he replaces his mouthguard as the bell dings, and he dives back into the fight.]

[A montage of Howard being beaten up by Killeroo plays. Vince looks pained from the ringside. Howard gets more and more bloodied, and the roo continues to screech.]

Fossil: Moon is up against the ropes. He’s being pummelled left and right. [a red splatter flies across Fossil’s face. More of it splashes over while he’s talking] It’s a real bloodbath. … Joey, would you stop eating those tomatoes. [Camera pans out to reveal Joey Moose innocently with his pile of tomatoes.] I can’t believe what’s going on here! He’s gonna eat his face off. I can’t wait!

[Killeroo, will Howard trapped against the ropes, reaches his gloves up to cup Howard’s face. In slow motion, he grabs Howard’s terrified head and starts to come at him with his mouth open, screeching. Vince, watching on in horror, suddenly looks up and sees a large wooden tribal mask amongst the crowd. Triggered, Vince gazes upwards seeing flashbacks of his dream and the following morning. The two moons. The two red balls. The two eggs. The two stones. The two grapefruit. They start to fly through his brain on a loop.]

Vince: All the images… what do they mean? [yelling] How do you kill a roo?

[suddenly the room is empty save for Vince and the Tribesman, who is standing in the ring in his turquoise tracksuit. He removes his giant mask to reveal a painted face and afro-ed black hair]

Tribesman: His balls, mate. Grab his flamin’ balls.
Vince: Oh, right.
Tribesman: Christ, you’re thick.

[The room springs back to life with the yelling of the crowd. Vince crawls under the ropes into the ring and grabs at the kangaroo’s ball sac. The roo screams. Howard, unsure of what has just happened, tries to look around. Killeroo lets go of him, and Howard sees Vince.]

Vince: Now, Howard! Now!

[Howard throws an uppercut to the kangaroo’s head, and sends him flat on his back on the canvas, spreadeagled. Naboo runs over, and indicates that he’s out.]

Fossil: Moon must have gotten a punch in! This is not supposed to happen! What’s going on?

[Howard throws his hands in the air in triumph. Vince stands up and they embrace. The crowd is applauding wildly as the pair bask in the glory of the win. In the centre of the crowd, Gideon appears, clapping politely. Howard, sweating and bloodied, tries to run towards her, but Vince holds him back.]

Howard: [howling in the style of Rocky’s “Adrienne!”] Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! [finally he breaks free]
Vince: Howard!
Howard: Howard Moon! Monsoon Moon! [removing his gloves and throwing them into the crowd] Raining down the pain! Wooohoo!

[Gideon takes off her glasses and nods at him in fond approval]

Howard: Gideon! Gideon! Gideon! [overjoyed, he goes to remove his singlet]
Vince: NO! NO! NO!
Howard: Woooo!

[With his back to the camera, Howard strips singlet off and swings it around his head. The crowd fall deathly silent at the sight of his bare chest. Vince reels back against the ropes. Fossil drops his microphone. Joey drops his tomato. Naboo just stares. A mixture of shock and disgust come over the crowd. Howard stops howling and looks around at the crowd. Gideon is overcome, reaches her hand over her mouth, and runs for the exit.]

[The curtains close on the scene]


[In front of the Curtain.]

Howard: Hope you enjoyed the show. I think you’ll find I displayed some pretty powerful moves.
Vince: Don’t be ridiculous. You’d have got your head smashed off if it weren’t for me.
Howard: Whatever. I came out on top, yeah? Ain’t nobody out there who can touch me. I’m Howard Moon, I’m Monsoon Moon, I rain d-

[Howard is interrupted by a sudden violent punch to the face, and he falls to the ground. The punch has come from a glove on the end of a long red tracksuited arm, which retracts as quickly as it appeared. Vince, who finds his hilarious, walks off. A little circular window insert appears on screen with the head of Jimmy the Reach.]

Jimmy: I always get my man.

[Roll credits. Under the credits is the freshwater fish from Mrs Gideon’s pond.]

Carp: Goodbye. The show is finished now. Go on. Get away. Sling your hook. Show finished. All over. [he starts to swim slowly offscreen, and raises his voice] What are you looking at, it’s all over! Get away!