HITCHER (Season 1, Episode 8)

[in front of curtain]

Howard: Hi. Welcome to the show. My name’s Howard Moon. This is Vince Noir.
Vince: Alright?
Howard: This week I’m going to be playing a host of characters within the show. But don’t be afraid. It’s just something I can do as an actor; I can play any emotion.
Vince: I’ve seen him, it’s pretty powerful.
Howard: Yeah. Um, here’s a little taste of just some of the stuff I can do. [stares intently into the distance craning his neck forward and holding his hands out in a theatrical way]
Vince: What’s that?
Howard: Grief of a sailor.
Vince: That is genius!
Howard: You liking that?
Vince: Do another one! [Howard pulls same pose, except looks constipated] What’s that?
Howard: Cornish guilt.
Vince: Aw!
Howard: Have that, eh?
Vince: Cornish guilt!
Howard: You liking it?
Vince: Timeless characters.
Howard: Can you act?
Vince: [cocky disbelief] Can I act? … [straight faced] Not really, no. … Ahhh, that was me acting then!
Howard: I’m liking that.
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: The twist around.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: What else have you got, anything?
Vince: I’ve got loads of stuff.
Howard: G’on then.
Vince: Do you wanna see one?
Howard: Surprise me.

[Vince starts to ruffle his hair and leans down out of shot for a second. An old Native Indian-looking fellow reappears dressed as Vince. He and Howard stare at each other for a moment, before Howard exits.]

Indian: Welcome to the show. [exits]


[curtains open to Boosh titles]

Scene 1.
Zoo exterior, cages.

[Bob Fossil is leading a group of school children through the enclosures on a tour. They approach the bear cage.]

Fossil: And now kids, our final stop on the tour of the Zooniverse: Ivan! The hairy Russian carpet guy.
Teacher: The bear?
Fossil: Well, yeah, if you want to use the latin. Anyway, when this guy’s not busy being a carpet, he loooooves his dancing! And accompanying him today is Vince Noir and his lowly assistant Howard Moon.

[Howard motions to Vince and Howard who are equipped with a tiny yellow keyboard axe and an electric guitar, respectively]

Howard: Ok, you know what we’re doing, yeah?
Vince: Yeah! The tight electro-pop classic.
Howard: No. We’re doing jazz-funk.
Vince: What?
Howard: We did electro last week, we’re doing jazz-funk this week, okay?
Fossil: Hey Dungheads, let’s move it along.
Howard: [to children] Ok, hi, this is a track which I’ve composed myself. It’s a kind of slap bass odyssey if you like. I hope you enjoy it, it’s called simply “Particle”. Thanks.

[they start to play. Fossil starts dancing. The bear starts pounding his paws against his tree stump.]

Teacher: He doesn’t look happy.
Fossil: Well that’s ‘cause he’s a communist. He doesn’t understand the service industry. What he doesn’t understand is, if Carpet Man don’t dance, Carpet Man don’t eat.

[Outraged, the bear leaps up against the bars of the cage towards the children. They back away in alarm.]

Fossil: Now you seem kind of scared right now, but don’t worry. These bars could stop a speeding juggernaut.

[Ivan rips the cage door from its hinges and throws it on the ground. The children start screaming. Vince and Howard run off.]

Fossil: Head for the hills! You’re on your own everybody! [The bear comes towards Fossil and stands menacingly over him] Don’t kill me! I love Lenin!

[From the kiosk, Naboo sees the chaos and fires a small blow dart into the bears leg. He promptly collapses. Naboo approaches Fossil.]

Fossil: Naboo. You saved my life! I have to kiss you passionately on the mouth. [Sticks tongue out and moves to reach Naboo, who blows a second dart into Fossil’s rudey bits.] Ooh. My nuts. [Falls backwards]

[Spinning newspaper headline: The Daily Examiner. ZOOKEEPERS MOVE BEAR TO ANIMAL PRISON.]


Scene 2.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Howard is driving the green Zoo animal transit vehicle. Vince is beside him in the passenger seat reading a magazine.]

Howard: Oh yeah. This is more like it, eh? Getting out on the open road. Getting away from the zoo. Yeah. I feel at home on the road, Vince. It’s in my blood. You know why, I think it’s because when I was young, I moved around a lot. I lived, you know, with my parents, but on the weekends I’d go to visit my grandparents, and they lived over 40 minutes away in Wakefield. And I think from that, I developed a kind of spiritual wanderlust, if you like. Yeah. I’ve always felt a kinship with the nomadic peoples of the Kalahari.
Vince: [still looking at magazine] No way.
Howard: Mmm, it’s true.
Vince: [laughing] No way!
Howard: Yeah, a deep bond.
Vince: They’re making a Bollywood version of the Fonz!
Howard: Have you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?
Vince: Uh… something about calamari? I’m not hungry.
Howard: I’m trying to have a conversation here. Eh? I’m trying to get some deep conversation going. Because I’m driving.
Vince: What do you want to talk about?
Howard: Well, you know. About, me. I’m a free spirit, Vince.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah I can’t be hemmed in. People try. They try to put me in a box, but I break free.
Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box?
Howard: It’s the nature of me. It’s the nature of Howard Moon.
Vince: Who’s trying to put you in a box?
Howard: Well, people, you know. The Man.
Vince: Have you contacted the police about this?
Howard: No, “The Man”. You know what I’m talking about, yeah?
Vince: What are you on about?
Howard: People are always trying to put people in boxes.
Vince: No one’s trying to put you in a box. You’re the wrong size, for a start.
Howard: [sighing] Let’s forget about this conversation, okay?
Vince: How would you even get in a box?
Howard: I don’t want to talk any more. Read your magazine.
Vince: I thought you wanted to have a conversation?
Howard: Well I don’t, I’m suddenly a bit tired of that now. Just check on Ivan, will you?

[Vince turns around in his seat and slides open a panel between the front compartment and the cage in the rear. We see the bear’s head appear behind the bars.]

Howard: How’s he doing?
Vince: He looks a bit bored. [passes his magazine through the bars]
Howard: [amused] What are you doing?
Vince: What? I’m giving him something to read.
Howard: What, ‘The Face’?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: He’s a Russian bear!
Vince: So what?
Howard: Give him some Chekov! [holds up a book of Chekov plays. Vince takes it and passes it through the bars, then slides the panel shut.]

[Cutaway: a shot of the front of the car indicating time passes]

Vince: [rifling through a tiny brown bag] Do you want something to eat?
Howard: Yeah, actually, I’m quite hungry.
Vince: [chewing on a lollie of some description] I’ve got it all in here. Ultra Violets. Flying Saucers. Strawberry Bootlace. Come on, get involved.
Howard: Have you got any food?
Vince: Yeah! Saturn Zingers…
Howard: No, like real food.
Vince: Neptune Fizz…
Howard: Have you ever heard of rice?
Vince: I’ve heard of rice crispies. [Howard looks disturbed.] Hey Howard, check this out. [Puts the end of a jelly snake into his mouth, and nudges Howard] Ready? [He starts opening and closing his mouth while rolling his eyes back in his head, and slowly drawing the snake into his mouth bit by bit.] Ha ha! That’s how turtle’s eat.
Howard: [in disbelief] This journey’s gonna fly by.

[more time passes]

Vince: Hey Howard I’ve made some tapes for the journey.
Howard: [looking slightly alarmed] Oh, right.
Vince: [holds up a series of cassette tapes with glee] This, is the Best of the 60s. And this, is the Best of the 70s. [holds up a giant stack of cassettes glued together] And this, is Gary Numan.
Howard: Uh, no. No way.
Vince: What?
Howard: We’re not having that.
Vince: Oh, come on!
Howard: Absolutely not! I’m drawing a line onto that! That’s it.
Vince: Why?
Howard: I’m driving! It’s my music we’re having.
Vince: Not jazz.
Howard: No. This my friend [holds up cassette], is jazz funk.
Vince: [pained] Ohhhhh.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: That’s, the double. It’s even worse.
Howard: The mixture. The cerebral musicality of jazz mixed with the visceral groove of funk.
Vince: [disgusted] Funk?
Howard: Imagine that.
Vince: Funk?
Howard: What a combo!
Vince: Jazz’s deformed cousin!
Howard: [puts tape in and starts the music. He moves his head in time] Check this out. Alright. You feeling that? Wait til the slap bass solo comes in, ready? … It’s coming up. … It’s coming up now. … Maybe it’s on the other side. Hang on. [turns tape over and presses play. The exact same loop plays] Here we are, it’s coming now, this is it. Yeah, it’s coming up. … Let me fast forward it. [fast forwards] It’s coming up now, this is it. Ready? Ready for this? … Ah! That’s not it. Just a minute. It’s coming. … It’s the next, it’s the next one, I always get confused because it sounds the same little bit before and then it goes into…
Vince: [thoroughly bored] Really.
Howard: It’s coming. It’s coming up! It’s coming up! [pulls a face as the slap bass finally kicks in] Ooh!
Vince: Ughh.
Howard: Feel the power of that!
Vince: It’s embarrassing!
Howard: Check out the thumb work! Ooh! Ow! [Vince slinks down in his seat and pulls his cowboy hat over his face. An angry growl erupts from the cage] What’s that? What’s happening?
Vince: [sliding panel open] It’s Ivan, he’s going mad! It’s the slap bass, turn it off, he doesn’t like it!
Howard: He doesn’t like slap bass!
Vince: No!
Howard: Then what does he like?

[Vince throws in another tape. “Cars” by Gary Numan pumps out. Vince starts mouthing the words and pulling shapes while Ivan grooves along in the back, even singing along in the chorus. Howard is unimpressed for a moment, then joins in the dance. He gets so involved that he forgets to steer and suddenly both he and Vince have to struggle to steer the car back onto the road.]


Scene 3.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle, night.

[more time has passed.]

Vince: [sighing] Are we nearly there yet?
Howard: No. No we’re not.
Vince: I might have to have a little sleepy.
Howard: What? You’re not having a little sleepy.
Vince: Oh come on.
Howard: No! I’m the driver, it’s your job to sort of entertain me.
Vince: Entertain you? What, do you want me to do a little dance?
Howard: Well do something!
Vince: I’ve got something! I know exactly what to do. You’ll love this. Check this out. [Vince leans forward in his seat for a moment, and when he sits back up again, he is the old Native American Indian]
Howard: [shaking his head] Put him away. [Vince leans down again and returns to his old self. He leans back in his seat and giggles at Howard.] Don’t get him out again.
Vince: I’ve got other characters!
Howard: I don’t wanna know! Can’t you just tell me a story or something?
Vince: A story?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: About what?
Howard: About when you were growing up, you know, in the forests.
Vince: Aw, you’ve heard all those stories.
Howard: Yeah but I like to hear them again. Come on.
Vince: Do you.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Alright. When I was young, I was raised in the forests. By Bryan Ferry. It was amazing. Magic times.


Animation.
Vince: [voiceover] I loved hanging out with Ferry. Oh we used to go hunting, fishing… We lived in a small house made out of bus tickets. Huh! Brilliant. Problem was, Bryan used to go on tour quite a lot. “Bye Vince!” So he’d leave me with various different animals. I remember one time he left me with Jahoolii, the Leopard, who was pretty irresponsible. He used to take me out killing gazelles, knowing full well that Bryan was a strict vegetarian. He used to feed me the soft tasty meat. I remember afterwards, oh I’d be so full, I’d need a little sleepy. But just as I was nodding off, old Kalooni, the dirty cobra, came whisking up the side of the tree, and he said to me ‘oh, you should never sleep’. And I said ‘why Kalooni, what are you on about?’ and he said ‘because the monkey folk plan to steal your face’. I went ‘what do you mean?’ Apparently the King Monkey wanted a man’s face in order to be a proper king. And he’d seen mine. And that was the one he wanted. He’d tried to get Columbo’s but that was on too tight. Anyway, the problem was it was so hot in the jungle, and I was so full, I couldn’t help it! I fell asleep!
Howard: You idiot.
[animation fades out and we are returned to the car]

Vince: I know!
Howard: Oh no!
Vince: I know.
Howard: Oh no!
Vince: What an idiot.
Howard: So what happened next!
Vince: Ah, that’s another story for another time.
Howard: What?
Vince: That’s the end.
Howard: What do you mean that’s the end? It’s not, that’s the beginning of something interesting.
Vince: Listen. That’s the end of that saga.
Howard: What? Are you Icelandic? What are you talking about? I want the end of the story!
Vince: Listen! I went so far, and now I’m stopping.
Howard: What? Who are you, dealing out stories in chunks like that? Johnny Segment?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Give me the ending! You don’t –
Vince: I’m the storyteller! I’ll decide when you’ve had your fill, alright?
Howard: I haven’t had my fill, okay? Give me the ending. You can’t leave a man – get him all juiced up, leave him dangling like that.
Vince: That’s my style.
Howard: What, the Dangler?
Vince: Yeah. The Juicy Dangler.
Howard: You’re ill!
Vince: You’ve had all the word nourishment you need.
Howard: I’m empty. I need the pudding.
Vince: Oh, you’re so greedy.
Howard: What?
Vince: Greedy for the verse.
Howard: Just – come on!
Vince: Slow down.
Howard: Ridiculous. How much further have we got to go?
Vince: Well, according to the map, the Animal Offender Zoo is here. But if we take Fossil’s route, it’s about six hours! Useless! So why don’t we just take this shortcut, here?
Howard: What shortcut?
Vince: The next left, up here.
Howard: What, through this forest?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: Are you sure?
Vince: I reckon! I reckon we’ll be there in about 20 minutes.

[Screenshot: SIX HOURS LATER]


Scene 4.
The Forest. Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[The car pulls up in the depths of the forest. Howard switches off the headlights.]

Howard: Where the hell are we?
Vince: I don’t know. I just thought that if we came down this road here, we’d cut out a lot of time, you know?
Howard: What road?
Vince: This road here.
Howard: [looking to where Vince is pointing on the map] What this thin red road? [He picks up the “road”] That’s a raspberry bootlace, you berk. [throws it down in disgust]
Vince: I was just trying to help, alright?
Howard: How have you helped on this journey so far? Hmm? You bring sweets instead of food. You tell stories that don’t end properly. And you bring Gary Numan’s entire back catalogue to listen to.
Vince: A powerful body of work.
Howard: A powerful stench on the musical map.
Vince: Listen. I’ve had enough of your abuse.
Howard: Yeah? What are you gonna do?
Vince: I’m vacating the vehicle. [opens the door and steps out]
Howard: What are you doing?
Vince: I’ll walk.
Howard: Where? Down Raspberry Avenue? You’re in a forest!
Vince: Whatever. [slides door shut]
Howard: You won’t last five minutes without me. [starts car engine and begins to drive off].
Vince: [appears running alongside the car, looking alarmed, and beating on the window] Howard! Stop the van! Howard, stop! Wait!
Howard: [stops the car, laughing arrogantly] You see, you couldn’t walk away could you? You couldn’t leave me.
Vince: My scarf’s caught in the wheel.
Howard: Right.
Vince: [removes scarf from wheel] Seeya later.
Howard: Yeah. Bye.

[Howard puts foot down on accelerator and speeds off. Vince is left standing alone in the forest. He looks around a bit, then heads to his left off the track and into the trees. Camera pans to a sign that reads: Forest of Death]


Scene 5.
Naboo’s Trailer.

[Naboo and Fossil are sitting on a small couch drinking tea]

Fossil: And technically, you’re not a peeping tom if it’s one of your relatives. More tea, Naboo?
Naboo: No, I’m fine.
Fossil: [reaching for teapot] Well, if you’re not gonna have any tea, I am. I looooove my tea.
Naboo: [looking into his teacup] Oh no. Howard and Vince are in danger.
Fossil: [spitting his tea back into cup] How do you know?
Naboo: It’s written in the tea leaves. [he holds the cup out for Fossil to see, who takes it. It clearly reads ‘Howard and Vince are in danger’ in tea leaves.]
Fossil: Naboo. This is terrible. [throws cup on floor, and it smashes] But on the bright side, that means we can get together more. [Naboo gets up and goes towards the door] Naboo, where you going?
Naboo: I’ve got to go and save Howard and Vince.
Fossil: [leaping up beside him] I’ll come with you!
Naboo: No, it’s fine.
Fossil: No, Naboo! I must protect you!
Naboo: I wish you wouldn’t.


Scene 6.
The Forest of Death.

[Vince is walking through the forest when he hears galloping noises. We see the blurred white shape of a man with blue reflective eyebrows running. Vince stops.]

Vince: Who’s there?

[The man comes into a clearing ahead. He is wearing a white suit jacket and red silk pants with a bow tie undone around his neck. His chin is very obviously stuck on – there is even a small strand of string hanging from it. The man is also holding a spear which he drops when he sees Vince.]

Ferry: Vince! It is I! Bryan Ferry!
Vince: No way!

[The pair embrace. It should be noted that this character looks not even remotely like Bryan Ferry.]

Ferry: Look at you!
Vince: Bryan!
Ferry: Vince my child! So many years have passed, but I knew you would return to the forest.
Vince: [looking around] I love what you’ve done with the place, it looks great!
Ferry: Ah, it’s a mess. I would have tidied if I’d known you were coming.
Vince: These ferns, are they new?
Ferry: Ikea. Look at you! All grown up. Is this what they are wearing now in the city of men?
Vince: Pretty much.
Ferry: Ha! Ridiculous. Let us celebrate your return. With feasts, and music, and the slaughtering of a hound.
Vince: I can’t really stay that long though Bryan, you know? I’ve got a life now in the city. I’ve got a job, and stuff.
Ferry: Job?
Vince: Yeah, I work in a zoo!
Ferry: Zoo? What is zoo?
Vince: Oh, you’d love the zoo. It’s full of animals! It’s a bit like a forest, but they keep the animals in cages.
Ferry: [grabbing Vince and shaking him violently] NO! Animals should never be kept in cages!
Vince: Alright Bryan, it’s just a stop-gap, you psycho! I mean I’m gonna be a singer, like you!
Ferry: But you were the least musical of all my children. Even Colto the deaf horse could sing better than you.
Vince: [fondly] Colto. How is Colto?
Ferry: He’s working on his third album now.
Vince: Really?
Ferry: Experimental stuff. Eno is producing.
Vince: Wow. But what about my best friend? Jahooli the Leopard?
Ferry: [solemnly] Jahooli is gone. [putting his hand on Vince’s shoulder] There is a curse upon the forest, Vince. Many of the creatures have disappeared. Taken. By Babooyagu. The green man-witch.
Vince: Who?
Ferry: Some say he is the devil himself. Others say he is a man, pretending to be the devil, with green make-up and special lighting. But that is nonsense. He is as real, as this forest. [To make a point, Ferry beats a fist on a nearby tree, which promptly falls over revealing it to be nothing but a random piece of log on a set.]
Vince: Anyway, look, Bryan-

[The “tree” collapses through the fern it had fallen on. Vince and Ferry stare at each other. (This was probably a serendipitous accident). Vince continues]

Vince: Anyway, look, Bryan, I better get going. I’ve gotta go and find my mate Howard, we had a bit of an argument and uh, I better go and see if he’s alright.
Ferry: Is he in danger?
Vince: Probably. Pretty much every week he gets in danger, I go and sort it out - that’s how the show works.
Ferry: [holding up an animal horn with a mouthpiece attached] Take this horn. And if you are in peril, blow upon’t. [passes it to Vince] I will come running as fast as Hoonduuuu the Volkswagon.
Vince: Thanks! I’ve got something for you Bryan, actually. [reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out a cassette tape, which he holds in front of Bryan’s face.]
Ferry: Ah! [takes cassette]
Vince: There you go.
Ferry: [looking bewildered] What is this?
Vince: It’s a tape! It’s my new demo.
Ferry: Right.
Vince: New band. Yeah. Seeya later Bryan! [walks off]
Ferry: Thank you! Take care, child! Ah. Tape. Yes. Of course, it is all mp3 now. These are obsolete. [throws it carelessly over his shoulder and walks off]


Scene 7.
Inside Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Howard is driving through the forest]

Howard: [internal monologue] Ahhh yeah. The open road. This is more like it. A man alone with his dreams. That’s me. Howard Moon. [squints] What’s that? A hitchhiker? Yeah right, I’m gonna stop for you in this dark wood. I don’t think so.

[The screen fades to black. A second later we see a green man has materialised in the passenger seat. He has long blonde hair, one giant polo as a left eye and a white stripe painted down the left side of his face. His black hat is also rimmed with polos and on his lap sits a large chest adorned with polos of various sizes. Howard stares at him for a moment, then back at the road, seeming rather nervous.]

Howard: So, eh er, you going far?

[unblinking, the Hitcher doesn’t respond, just stares straight ahead]

Howard: Do you live around here do you? … Well obviously not in the woods, it would be weird if you lived in the woods, wouldn’t it. [clears throat awkwardly] It’d be strange. … What’s in the box? Is that travel sweets is it? [forced nervous laughter] Travel sweets. That’s one of mine. Big box like that with small sweets in it, it’d actually be quite funny wouldn’t it? … Should we have some music? Ease the tension? Let’s have the radio.

[Howard flicks the radio on. A version of The Doors’ “Riders on the Storm” comes on.]

Radio: [male voice singing] If you give this man a ride
Sweet memory will die.
Killer on the road.

Howard: [switches radio off quickly] Too much music in the world, you know?

[The hitcher slowly raises his right arm over and rests it on his box, revealing a massively oversized green thumb. Howard can’t help but notice.]

Howard: Quite a thumb you’ve got on you, there. Bet there’s a story behind there, isn’t there?

[For the first time, the Hitcher looks directly at Howard.]

Hitcher: [in a thick cockney accent] You wanna know about my thumb do ya boy? [holds thumb up beside Howard’s face] Intrigue you does it boy? My thumb? Let me tell you about it. I come from a long line of hitchhikers. All with bleedin’ massive thumbs. You see the thumb is a tremendous boon to the hitchhiker. [starts waving it around as if trying to hail a ride] Helps with work. You know what I mean? The only problem was, when I was a child, my thumb was tiny. Not just tiny like a single sugar puff. Disgusting. Even me own mother would reel back in horror. Like an anaconda. “OHH what is it? Get it out of here! It’s tiny! It’s ‘orrible! It’s revolting! Take your tiny thumb, and get out of here and never darken my door again,” she’d say. I had to leave the family unit, in search of a miracle. I wandered the streets, looking for the answer. And people told me of a magic shaman, part man part hornet. So I went looking for ‘im. I went everywhere! I combed the universe, in search of the stripey insect shaman. Turns out he was in a local primary school, in the bin, reeling about with the apple cores, like they do. And I stood there, with my thumb out, and he stung it! And he stung it! And he grabbed onto it! It was like he was making love to it wiv his sting.

[Hitcher is yelling now. By this stage Howard is extremely alarmed]

Hitcher: In and out! In and out! More and more! Ohhh the pus! The pain! The black voodoo! The wet jigsaw puzzle! I didn’t know what was happening! Ohhh for days I was in a trance! But when I came to, there it was! Like a fleshy maraca! A THUMB, of gigantic proportion. “A miracle!” I said, “A miracle! You’re a true wizard! How can I ever repay ya?” and he said to me “Five hundred euros”. “FIVE HUNDRED EUROS? You won’t see penny one from me you slag!” And as I raised my thumb up, to smash his tiny skull in, I could see in his little insect face, I could see him thinking “OHHH, I created that monster! I created that thumb, and now it’s killing me! My own beast and creation! Killing me dead! The sweet irony.” I think he was saying that, although it was a long time ago, and in hindsight, he could’ve just been shitting himself.

[The Hitcher’s vacant stare returns as if he’d never moved. Howard is still trying to absorb what just happened.]

Howard: Anywhere here?

[A beat, then]
Hitcher: [grabbing Howard’s face between his giant thumb and the rest of his hand] Stop the car!
Howard: [pulls up and whimpers] Don’t kill me!
Hitcher: What?
Howard: Don’t kill me, I’ve got so much to give!
Hitcher: “Don’t kill me?” I ain’t gonna kill ya mate, I need a sprinkle, you onion. [releases Howard and opens the door to exit the vehicle]
Howard: Oh. Right.

[Hitcher crosses in front of the vehicle and then moves into some bushes.]

Hitcher: I’ve gotta slash like a powerful horse. Ohhhh!

[From a shot of the Hitcher’s shoes, we see a stream of green liquid hit the ground. Howard notices and tries to look away. The stream gets harder and faster, and turns into a torrent that lifts the Hitcher into the air and hovers.]

Hitcher: Oohhh! Coming out of me like a yellow cable. Oohhhh! Aw yeah. I’ve been backed up for some time boy!

[Suddenly extremely alarmed, Howard releases his chance to escape and puts the car in drive, speeding off.]

Hitcher: Oi! Come back ‘ere! Oi!

Howard: [internal monologue] Yeah right. “Come back here”. [notices the Hitcher’s box is still in the passenger seat] I’m not hanging about while you relieve yourself. I’m Howard Moon. Man of action. I’ve got things to do. [pulls up]

[Howard gets out of the car, walks around to the other door, and pulls the chest out through the window. He holds it firmly, pauses, and then throws it into the bushes. He begins to walk back to the driver’s seat but stops.]

Howard: [to camera] Can’t hurt to have a little look inside it, can it, eh? (?????) Why not.

[He approaches the box cautiously, which is now sitting upright on a mossy rock. Howard lifts the lid and a smoky red light emanates out. He reaches in, and dives his whole body into the box. The lid slams shut behind him. Two creatures emerge out of the forest to a beat that has started. They’re dressed in black with simple white ribs painted on. They also wear identical black polo hats and polo eyes like the original Hitcher. As the pair come to a stop in a clearing, they reach behind their backs and pull out recorders. They start playing a melody on them, and four bars in the Hitcher leaps between them and starts rapping.]

Hitcher: Trapped in a box by a cockney nutjob
‘Ave a cuppa tea, ‘ave a cuppa tea
I’m the Hitcher – let me put you in the picture
Creepin’ in your room in the dead of night
Wiv me solo polo vision.
Pipers: That’s right!
Hitcher: I’m a cockney geezer, watch me bleed yer
I knew the Ripper when he was just a nipper
I taught him how to slice – I cut ‘im up a treat!
Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Pound yer banana!
Pipers: Two pound yer pair!
Hitcher: Forty shillings for yer melon!
Pipers: Oh yeah!
We’re the Piper Twins
We’re Jim and Jackie Piper
We cut through the night like a windscreen
Wipin’ you away, like raindrops
Don’t mess with the boys!
Hitcher: Shut your noise!
Comin’ in strong like a freakshow nightmare
Dancin’ skeletons, white blue and yellerins
Movin’ through the shadows with the speed of a cat
And if you cross us, we’ll cut ya
Pipers: And you ain’t gonna like that!
Hitcher: I verse juju, I use voodoo if I choose to
I harness the forces of evil to abuse you
Wiv power, a polo, an evil magnet
We’re suckin’ up yer soul
All: And you ain’t gonna like that!
[They finish in a pose. A brief pause, then]
Hitcher: Ow, me back’s gone!
Pipers: [coming out of pose] Oh, not again.
Hitcher: [stuck with his arms in the air] Ohh it’s totally gone.
Piper#1: Grab ‘is legs.

[With the Hitcher yelping in pain, the Pipers try to pick him up and carry him off]

Piper#2: Easy.


Scene 8.
The Forest. On a Motorbike.

[Fossil is speeding through the jungle on a motorcycle. Naboo is sitting in the sidecart wearing goggles.]

Fossil: And that’s why you should never bring a cricket bat to Greece. Where to, Naboo?
Naboo: [looking in teacup where we can see the directions spelt out in tea leaves] Left at the lights.


Scene 9.
In the Box.

[Black. Suddenly a flame appears, attached to Howard’s lighter, illuminating his face. He tries to look around.]

Howard: [whispers] Hello? … [louder] Hello?

[Vince appears in the light behind him while Howard is looking in the opposite direction.]

Vince: [whispers] Hey!
Howard: [startled] AHH! Oh, Vince!
Vince: [chuckles] How’s it going?
Howard: [still trying to calm down] Good. It’s great. It’s going well. What are you doing here?
Vince: Some weird bloke picked me up and put me in his box.
Howard: Oh yeah. He was hideous wasn’t he.
Vince: Hideous? I thought he had a certain bony charm. [note: the Hitcher is actually played by Noel Fielding, who plays Vince, hence he is complimenting the fact he looked so similar to himself]
Howard: I can’t believe we’re trapped in a box.
Vince: Yeah. I thought you couldn’t get trapped in boxes?
Howard: That was a metaphorical box. This is an actual box. There’s a slight difference.
Vince: Oh, right. It’s massive, this box. Check this out. [calls out] HELLO?

[echos reverberate in the darkness, and the lights suddenly flick on.]

Hitcher: Hello! Welcome to my Zoo for Animal Offenders!

[The Hitcher is standing in what looks to be a hallway of polo-shaped cage doors. A red neon sign proclaims: ZOO! And underneath, the words ‘for Animal Offenders’. Howard and Vince are huddled, still with their lighter burning, in a far corner.]

Hitcher: We’ve got all kinds of garb in ‘ere. Behold! The Nazi turtle! [lights go up on a turtle with a swastika painted on its shell] A freshwater fascist for all the family. Over on the left: the Ku Klux Goose. [lights go up on a goose with a white sheet over its head] You right, boy? But our finest exhibit, is over ‘ere. Feast your eyes, on Trevor Robinson! [an obviously stuffed horse is wheeled into view, covered in little bits of yellow paper] A shire horse, with over 37 parking tickets! All unpaid, mind. Evil hooves.
Howard: What do you want with us?
Hitcher: [drawing a blade] I’m gonna slice you up. Ohhh, I’m a cockney nutjob. He slashes one way! He slashes the other! He slashes diagonal! He’s like connect four in dagger terms! I’m gonna cut you up, and feed you to my menagerie! But I ain’t all evil. If you’ve got any last requests, I’ll be happy to service ‘em. You! Young lady. Anything?
Vince: [to Howard] What?
Howard: That’s you.
Vince: I’ve got an idea, Howard. Is it alright if I blow this? [holds up horn]
Hitcher: I don’t see why not.
Vince: Leave this to me. [blows a long note]

[Cut to Bryan Ferry, who is dancing, and doesn’t hear the horn over his vacuuming the forest floor.]

Howard: What was that?
Hitcher: Give it to me a minute boy. [magically whisks the horn out of Vince’s hands and across the room to himself] Ooh it’s a lovely horn. Let me have a go of this. [blows another, higher note]

[Cut to Bryan Ferry, who hears it this time. He switches off the vacuum and darts off, galloping through the forest. He leaps into a clearing and is immediately hit by Fossil’s motorbike.]

Howard: Great.
Hitcher: What about you, squire? Anything I can do for you before I cut you up?
Howard: Well, I always thought I’d fade away to… some slap bass. [Vince looks appalled] But I don’t suppose that’s a style of music that you’re familiar with.
Hitcher: I beg your pardon. What do you think this is? [holds up thumb] I’m one of the leading exponents of the jazz-funk movement. I’m the slap bass president for God’s sake! Ohhh yeah, it used to be Mark King, but we had a thumb duel. And I smashed ‘im into the ground like a blonde tent peg. “Get back to Level 42, and go about your business!”

[A bass guitar, also adorned with polos, appears out of nowhere, and the Hitcher begins playing slap bass. Howard starts bopping along. Vince shakes his head in disbelief. Meanwhile, in the back of the Animal Transit Vehicle, Ivan is awoken by the slap bass and works up an angry growl.]

Hitcher: You love it, you slags.

[Ivan bursts the doors open and looks around]

Howard: He’s alright, this guy.
Hitcher: Can you feel the funk?

[Ivan leaps out of the van and starts to follow the sound. Suddenly he is inside the box / zoo, and proceeds to attack the Hitcher, knocking him to the ground and trying to rip him open. The Hitcher promptly evaporates, leaving a pile of his clothing on the floor, and Ivan confused.]

Vince: [pointing] Look at that, Howard.
Howard: He’s melted!

Hitcher: [appearing inside the Nazi Turtle cage wearing only black polo underwear] I ain’t melted you onion! I’m over ‘ere! You’ll never catch me, woaaay! I’m off! [runs offscreen]



Scene 10.
Forest. Inside the Animal Transit Vehicle.

[Vince is driving this time; Howard is in the passenger seat. Vince has a look of glee on his face, and moves his hands around the steering wheel in wide deliberate movements]

Howard: Well, that was a narrow squeak, eh?
Vince: Yeah. Let’s get back to the zoo, quickly.
Howard: [Looking uncertainly over at Vince’s technique] You sure you know how to drive, Vince?
Vince: Yeah its easy! Look at me go!
Howard: You don’t have to do that with your hands all the time you know.
Vince: Oh, right.
Howard: It’s a straight road.

[Roll credits! After a second of black, the crash scene appears. Fossil, Naboo, and Bryan Ferry have all been thrown on the ground in awkward positions.]

Ferry: [propping himself up, still with cigarette in mouth] Oh. You fools! You smashed me with your iron horse.
Naboo: Who are you?
Ferry: I am Bryan Ferry. Ruler of the forest.
Naboo: [frowning] Have you ever seen Bryan Ferry?
Ferry: [dropping the accent] Yeah. What’s your point?
Naboo: You look like Terry Wogan.