CHARLIE (Season 1, Episode 6)

[In front of curtains]

Howard: Hi, welcome to the show. My name’s Howard Moon, this is Vince Noir.
Vince: Alright?
Howard: This week we’ve got a real treat for you, in the form of a very very special friend of mine. An actor, a great actor who’s agreed to play a part within the show.
Vince: [disgusted] Not Simon McFarnaby?
Howard: Yeah. Simon McFarnaby. One of the foremost exponents of devised theatre in the country.
Vince: You only get him in because you think he’s gonna put you in one of his little “devised pieces”.
Howard: He might do that. What do you know?
Vince: I don’t think so.
Howard: He’s not working at the moment, so I thought I’d get him in the show.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: I wonder why that is.
Howard: What d’you mean?
Vince: Well he looks a bit weird, dunnee? He’s all wooden, he looks like a concur.
Howard: What are you talking about? No he doesn’t! He’s here now, d’you mind? [makes himself look presentable, then motions to side of screen] Simon McFarnaby.

[Simon enters]
Simon: Hi.
Howard: How are you?
Simon: I’m well. I’m well. I’m good.
Howard: Yeah, you’re looking great. Looking great.
Simon: Yeah thanks, thanks.
Howard: So um, you working much at the moment? You got much on?
Simon: Uh, a bit quiet at the moment but I’ve got something lined up for the autumn, so.
Howard: Really.
Vince: [under his breath] I bet you ‘ave.
Simon: [to Vince] Hmm?
[Vince ignores him]
Howard: So, uh, I just wanna say that um, it’s great to have you on the show. Great to be working with you.
Simon: Yeah. Ok.
Howard: Really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you on the show.
Simon: Thanks. Thanks, well I’ll go and get Wanda. [exits]
Howard: Alright. Ok. See you.
Vince: Why don’t you go and put your head in some vinegar?
Simon: [re-enters] What?
Howard: He’s just… er, mucking around.
Simon: Oh, right. Ok. [exits]
Howard: Alright, seeya. [to Vince] What are you doing?
Vince: What?
Howard: Get off.
[Vince exits]
Howard: [to camera] Enjoy the show. [exits in same direction as Simon, calling] Simon? Simon?

[curtains open to Mighty Boosh opening titles]

Scene 1
The Zoo. Exterior, by the hutches.

Vince: Come on Howard, put some energy into it! Get involved!
Howard: I’m carrying a bucket of seed. How am I supposed to get involved in that?
Vince: This is the best job in the zoo! Millet distribution. [opens hutch door, throws seed inside].
Howard: There’s something wrong with you, you know that don’t you.
Vince: What do you mean?
Howard: Well you’re always happy, aren’t you. Everything’s fun for you. Eh? You see a peanut, the days off to a good start. You witness some soil: it’s a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more.
Vince: I think it’s this poncho. [swirls] I mean, it’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I’m gonna get a sombrero as well, imagine that! A poncho-sombrero combo. I’ll be off my tits on happiness. … You should get one.
Howard: Yeah. It takes more than a Mexican outfit and some seed distribution to make me happy. [sits on bench] You know Vince, this zoo is too small for me. I’m a man of grand designs. I need something more, something to stimulate my mind cogs. You know what I’m gonna be?
Vince: What? [sits next to him]
Howard: I’m gonna be a writer.
Vince: As if you’re gonna be a writer.
Howard: Hmm?
Vince: You haven’t even got a pen.
Howard: [points to head] You don’t need a pen to be a writer, Vince.
Vince: I think you do.
Howard: Yeah, I’m a deep thinker. I’m gonna be a novelist.
Vince: I write novels.
Howard: What?
Vince: The Charlie books.
Howard: The Charlie books?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: What, that pink shape you draw?
Vince: Yeah. Charlie.

[animation]
Vince: [voice over] Charlie is genius, right: he's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum. Ha, imagine that! In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in LA, and he melted like a pink bitch. “Haha!” Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. “Haha. Hold on tight, Charlie!” Destination: Alaska! Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into to the shape of a hoover! "I wasn't thinking!" Charlie wasn't fazed though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. Hehe … oh. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. "I appear to be on fire." The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. "After all I did for you … oooh." The green shape was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd killed 50 Inuits; no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.
[animation ends]

Howard: That’s not a novel. That’s the scribblings of a retard, Vince.
Vince: They are novels. They’re novelettes.
Howard: It’s in crayon, you berk.
Vince: [hurt] So what, I’m new school.
Howard: New school?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: I’m talking about books that are gonna get published.
Vince: Mine are published; I publish ‘em myself.
Howard: You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weet-a-bix boxes, that’s not published, is it? Huh? I wanna deal with real people, you know? Real issues and real characters, Vince.
Vince: Charlie’s real.
Howard: Will you shut up about Charlie? Ok? He’s not real.
Vince: He is real.
Howard: No, he isn’t, stop saying that.
Vince: You’re scared of Charlie.
Howard: I’m not scared of him.
Vince: Why are you scared of Charlie?
Howard: I’m not scared of him!
Vince: You don’t need to be scared of Charlie.
Howard: I’m not even scared of him, alright?
Vince: Charlie’s always been here.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: He’s always been with us.
Howard: Shut up. Stop that, alright? You know I don’t like him.
Vince: [giggling] He likes you, what’s your problem?
Howard: What do you mean he likes me?
Vince: He thinks you’re funny.
Howard: He thinks I’m funny?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: What do you mean? I’m not funny.
Vince: Do you know what he does?
Howard: I’m a serious man.
Vince: He comes round when you’re asleep. Watches you. Leans over your bed. Ooooh!
Howard: You better shut up about Charlie, ok?
Vince: You can’t handle Charlie.
Howard: Shut up.

[they get up and go towards more hutches]

Howard: Yeah, well, have a look at Techno Mouse, see how he’s doing.

[Vince opens hutch to reveal tiny nightclub. He reaches in and grabs the mouse]

Vince: He’s freaking out, Howard.
Howard: Why? What’s wrong with him?
Vince: He’s had a gram of speed and two microdots.
Howard: Oh no. Get him in the ambient hutch, quick.

[Vince opens another hutch to reveal tiny blue-lit trance room playing soothing music. He places mouse inside.]

Vince: Drink some water. [shuts hutch door]


Scene2.
The Zoo. Exterior. On the bench in the main area.

Howard: Ah, I’ll tell you what Vince. When I’m famous, I’ll be out of this zoo. I’m gonna be mixing with the high society, living the high life.
Vince: What about me?
Howard: Well I’d bring you along with me. You know. You could…
Vince: Yeah? Cool.
Howard: You could come along with me, yeah. As a writer I’d want to focus on the act of writing, you know.
Vince: Yeah, yeah.
Howard: I wouldn’t want to expend any mental energy on mundane tasks like laundry, or…
Vince: No way.
Howard: …emptying the rubbish and stuff, so you could do that for me. That’d help me out.
Vince: Get stuffed! I’m not doing that!
Howard: Why? You could come along and make tea for me, and hand me pens, as and when I need them, you know.
Vince: What, like a caddy?
Howard: Yeah, like a little writer’s caddy. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Vince: No!
Howard: Yeah you would! You could sort of follow at a discreet distance, and then if I have an idea, you could whip out a biro and give it to me.
Vince: I’m not doing that.
Howard: Carry a little pencilcase on wheels. You know. Just behind me. Wear a little chequered suit; funny little hat.
Vince: I don’t wear chequered suits.
Howard: Well, I thought you liked dressing up?
Vince: Yeah, in ponchos.
Howard: Oh right. Well, the offer’s there, if you want it.
Vince: [sarcastic] Oh thanks a lot. I’m going to lunch now. Naboo’s done a chilli. Are you coming?
Howard: No no, I’ve got to do some reading.
Vince: Yeah? You mean, you’re gonna stay here and spy on Gideon?
Howard: No. I’ve just got to do some research for my novel.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Well you should be careful, she’s already put in a complaint. [gets up and leaves]
Howard: Seeya later, Speedy Gonzalez.

[Howard opens his book, titled ‘Gogol’. He brings the book right up to his eyes where there are holes punched through the Os. As he starts spying on Gideon, the window behind him opens and Bob Fossil appears]

Fossil: What’re you doing, Moon?
Howard: Uh, just reading.
Fossil: Yeah? Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.
Howard: Who?
Fossil: You know. The black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks?
Howard: The pandas?
Fossil: [patronising, and while fondling himself] OH, I’m Howard Moon, I know how to read! I know all the animal’s names at the zoo! … Yeah, the pandas.
Howard: What’s the problem?
Fossil: Well apparently, and this is on the QT, Bainbridge told me that when the man panda kisses the lady panda, they invent new baby pandas, and everyone comes from all over and gives us money!
Howard: Yeah, that’s known as breeding.
Fossil: Yeah, I know! Hump time!
Howard: Yeah well it’s notoriously difficult to get pandas to breed in captivity, I thought you’d know that, Mr Fossil.
Fossil: Yeah, but I got a plan, dingus. Y’see, the man panda won’t kiss the lady panda, right? So I want you to dress up as the man panda, start coming onto the lady, you know, laa daa daa da-da-da-da-da! Make the man panda all jealous! He moves in – BOOM! Babies all over the place!
Howard: That is possibly the most obscene, disgusting, humiliating, and potentially dangerous thing I’ve ever heard you say.
Fossil: Thanks dude!
Howard: [at camera] No man should ever, EVER be made to dress as a panda.

Scene 3.
Zoo. Enclosures outside Panda Lodge.
[Howard and Vince standing around some enclosures. Vince is dressed as a panda.]

Vince: Why am I doing this, exactly?
Howard: Because you’ve got a way with the animals, Vince. Come on.

[they start walking]

Vince: I look ridiculous!
Howard: You look great.
Vince: I don’t look anything like a panda!
Howard: Pandas are very shortsighted, Vince, that’s the beauty of the scheme, my scheme.
Vince: Well what am I gonna do?
Howard: Well what you do is you get in the Panda Lodge, ok, get in there with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically, yeah? Make Fu-Fu jealous: bang.
Vince: Right. And when Fu-Fu’s jealous?
Howard: Knock on the door, I’ll let you out.
Vince: Right. And what are you gonna be doing?
Howard: I’ll be out here.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Spying on Gideon?
Howard: No. Having my lunch.

[opens door to Panda Lodge and Vince enters. Howard closes door and gives Vince a thumbs up through the small window. He sits down and looks to take a bite out of his very long salad roll, which he then puts up to his eye to reveal a hidden telescope. As Gideon moves out of view, Howard gets up to follow her. Vince appears in the window and knocks.]

Vince: [from opposite side of glass] Howard. Howard? [frantic] Howard? Howard! Argh! [is mauled by Chi-Chi]

[Howard approaches Gideon, who is reading]
Howard: Oh, hi there Mrs Gideon.
Gideon: Who are you?
Howard: I’m Howard Moon? I work here at the zoo?
Gideon: Why have you got crumbs around your eyes?
Howard: [hurriedly brushes them away] Oh, that’s just, me, me and Vince. We’ve been playing, uh, games… Crumb Eye. We have to get crumbs, er, in each other’s eyes…and er… the winner… gets a rake. [looks at Gideon’s book] That’s a good book. I like that book.
Gideon: Oh! Have you read it?
Howard: Oh yeah. Yeah twice I’ve read it, once in original, and then in the uh, paperback. Really related to the character of, um… [points to page]…Jonathan, I thought he was great.
Gideon: The serial killer?
Howard: Yeah, I mean as much as, you know, we’ve all… we can all relate to… to a killer. I mean, I … in our minds, we’ve all killed in our minds.
Gideon: [slightly freaked out] What are you talking about?
Howard: Well, as a writer, it’s um, it’s something that I, I have to do. I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.
Gideon: [suddenly interested] You’re a writer?
Howard: Oh yeah yeah yeah, big time. Big time. Love to write. It’s like a compulsion for me to… the written word is like a drug. You cut me, I bleed ink. I wrote that. Just one of the things I’ve written.
Gideon: [smiling] Are you a friend of Vince’s?
Howard: Yeah! [suddenly realising he’s left Vince in the panda lodge, he runs off in alarm]
Gideon: Yes, he’s a very nice boy…


Scene 4.
Inside Panda Lodge.

[Howard runs through the zoo until he reaches the pandas, and opens the door to find Vince sitting at a candlelit dinner table with Chi-Chi]

Howard: What’s going on here?
Vince: What? I’m just making him jealous. [points to Fu-Fu going crazy in the next enclosure]
Howard: Alright, well, he’s jealous now, let’s go. Come on.
Vince: There’s no way! She’s not interested in him, he’s a brut! He doesn’t understand her needs! It’s just take take take. There’s no way they’re getting it on.
Howard: Ok Vince, he’s jealous now, he’s all charged up, it’s time to let him in, let nature take it’s course. Come on. [grabs Vince’s arm]
Vince: There’s no way! I’m not letting him come in and steal all the glory! I put all the groundwork in!
Howard: Groundwork??
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: You’ve gone wrong. Come on. [tries to pull him out of enclosure]
Vince: Get off me! We’ve got a chemistry! [to Fu-Fu] What are you looking at? [to Chi-Chi, as Howard drags him out] I’ll ring you in the week!
Howard: [to Chi-Chi] Sorry. [shuts door]

[Chi-Chi looks dejected, then picks up glass of wine. She raises it towards Fu-Fu.]


Scene 5.
Inside the Boosh hut.

[Vince is sitting on the couch reading a magazine entitled ‘Panda Monthly’ which is hiding his face. Howard is typing at a typewriter smoking a pipe. A strong wind is audible. Howard takes the pipe out of his mouth, looks at what he has just typed, and nods approvingly. Suddenly distracted by the wind, he looks around to see what could be making the noise. He stands up and starts checking the room from draughts. Finding the door slightly ajar, he pushes it shut and the wind stops. He returns to the typewriter.]

Howard: [looking at page, chuckling] Ah, dear.

[He continues typing but notices the wind is back. Again he goes searching for what is making the sound, and finds it to be a tape player. He switches it off. Sitting back at the typewriter, he cracks his knuckles and types until the bell goes off. The wind is back. Now very irritated, he hurriedly stands up and searches the place, and arrives at Vince. He grabs the magazine to reveal Vince is making the sound. Howard clamps his hand over his mouth and the sound stops. Vince looks up at him, he removes his hand and the sound continues. He clamps his hand over Vince a second time.]

Howard: Do you mind?

[Howard waits a moment before moving his hand and dropping the magazine in Vince’s lap. Vince does one more quick cheeky wind imitation. Howard glares.]

Vince: It was pretty good though, wasn’t it? Sounded exactly like the wind!
Howard: Yeah. It was blowing a gale through my mind.
Vince: I can do other elements!
Howard: Can you really. Can you do fog?

[Vince stares at Howard for a moment, then returns to his magazine. Howard begins typing again. Vince reaches for a banana.]

Vince: [peeling banana] Howard. Howard.

[Howard is lost in concentration]

Vince: [now eating banana] … Howard. … Howard. … Howard. … Howard. .. Howard. .. Howard. … Howard? … Howard. … Howard.
Howard: [disgruntled] This better be good.
Vince: You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantula’s eggs?
Howard: [in disbelief] Please don’t speak to me ever again in your life.

[A pause, then…]
Vince: What’s your novel about?
Howard: It’s about a genius who can’t get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.
Vince: [getting up] You’ve made a classic error.
Howard: Have I.
Vince: What you’ve done is you’ve focussed in on the wrong character, yeah? [sitting next to Howard] Now, the monkey, I’m loving him. But the other guy, I’m getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.
Howard: Yeah? Well Mrs Gideon didn’t think he sounded like a dick.
Vince: Mrs Gideon?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Aah, see, I knew this was what this was about!
Howard: What are you talking about?
Vince: You’re so transparent.
Howard: What?
Vince: You’re only doing this because you know she likes writers.
Howard: No I’m not. I’ve always been a writer.
Vince: Have you.
Howard: Yeah! And she’s interested in me, because I’m an intellectual. And she’s an intellectual.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah. When we get together, Vince, I mean it’s inevitable, but when we do, it’s gonna be incredible. You know. We’ll be going to poetry evenings every night. We’ll both have pipes. We’ll be wrestling with the heavyweight intellectual issues of the day into the small hours.
Vince: Ugh, that sounds dreadful. I like thick girls. Girls that like bright colours, dancing, soft fabrics…
Howard: Don’t you want an equal?
Vince: Yeah! … So how much have you done then?
Howard: Uh… well it’s coming on. It’s coming on.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah. I mean it’s not really about quantity, when it comes to the modern novel. It’s more of the quality of prose. That sort of thing, you know.
Vince: Alright. So how much have you done, then?
Howard: Uh, one sentence. But it’s uh –
Vince: [laughing] What? One sentence?
Howard: I fail to see what’s funny about that. It’s a damn good sentence I’ll have you know. I’m gonna send it to Hamilton Cork, see what he thinks.
Vince: Who?
Howard: The publisher, Hamilton Cork. I’m gonna send him this sentence.
Vince: I don’t think he’s gonna be interested in one sentence, is he.
Howard: That’s where you’re wrong, Vince, because that’s his whole philosophy. He can tell with one sentence whether he wants to publish a book or not. And I’m gonna send him this one, because I’ve got a good one. I want you to have a read of it actually.
Vince: Oh I’m alright, actually.
Howard: Have a look at it.
Vince: I’m a bit busy now.
Howard: Why? I want you to look at it!
Vince: I don’t really want to.
Howard: Why?
Vince: I’m… you know. I’m not in the mood.
Howard: Come on! Just look at it, don’t be stupid. [he winds the piece of paper out of typewriter and puts it in front of Vince] Have a look, have a read of it.
Vince: No, because I know what you’re like.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: You can’t take criticism.
Howard: Don’t be stupid. Go on. Read it. Tell me what you think.
Vince: [sighs, then reads] That’s really good actually. It’s great.
Howard: Yeah?
Vince: The only thing I would say –

[Howard leaps up in a fury and start knocking thing off the table and benches. Vince ducks for cover, then runs out the door.]

Vince: [to camera] He’s a lunatic! Absolute nutbox. Can’t believe it! He’s got anger problems. He should go and see Naboo. Naboo’ll sort it out. Naboo’s great; he’ll sort anything out. Seeya later. [puts on panda ears] Do you mind? I’ve got some private zoo business to attend to. [enters Panda Lodge, which is lit in red with exotic music playing, and Chi-Chi is fanning herself seductively in the background. As Vince shuts the door, he motions for us to leave.]



Scene 6.
Inside the Boosh hut, later.

[Howard is asleep at his typewriter, surrounded by many pieces of discarded paper. There’s a knock at the door.]

Howard: [awakes, startled] Hello?

[Simon enters.]
Cork: Howard Moon?
Howard: Yeah?
Cork: It is I, Hamilton Cork. I have read your sentence. It was an absolute tour de force. You’re going to be published, and be a famous writer.
[Howard looks up at him, stunned, and the screen dissolves to the beginning of the scene and another knock at the door.]

Howard: [awakes, startled] Hello?

[Simon enters.]
Cork: Howard Moon?
Howard: [slightly confused this time] Yeah?
Cork: It is I, Hamilton Cork. I’m looking for Vince Noir.
Vince: [getting up from behind magazine] I’m Vince!
Cork: I found one of your Charlie books in a packet of Weet-a-bix. It’s an absolute tour de force. It’s going to be published, and you’re going to be a famous writer.
Vince: Wow!
Howard: This is the dream, yeah?
Cork: No, the other one was.
Howard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cork: Yes.


Scene 7.
Naboo’s Kiosk.
[sign out of outside of the trailer says “Zoo Psychiatrist in Session”. Inside, Howard is lying on the couch. Naboo is seated facing him.]

Naboo: It’s clear that you have a problem with jealousy.
Howard: What do you mean?
Naboo: I think you’re jealous of Vince.
Howard: Why would I be jealous of him?
Naboo: Well, he’s successful, he’s got great hair, he’s a great writer. I mean what have you got to offer?
Howard: I’m a writer!
Naboo: I haven’t seen much evidence of that.
Howard: Yeah? Well, I’ve got writer’s block at the moment, haven’t I?
Naboo: That’s because you’re very angry. You’re unable to deal with criticism.
Howard: [sitting up angrily] Why does everyone keep saying that?
Naboo: [holding up a picture of two kittens in a barrel] Now, what I want you to do, is look at the picture of the kittens in a barrel.
Howard: [staring at picture hypnotically] Yeah.
Naboo: Look at them, they’re having a whale of a time. All happy.
Howard: Hahaha!
Naboo: The one on the left’s Phillip.
Howard: Phillip.
Naboo: Look at Phillip’s eyes.
Howard: He’s got little eyes.
Naboo: Whenever you’re feeling a bit angry, I want you to look at Phillip…
Howard: Look at his face!
Naboo: …and your anger will recede like an ocean. [He puts the picture down.]
Howard: [Comes out of his trance, and sighs.] Thanks Naboo.
Naboo: That’ll be one hundred and fifty nine euros.
Howard: [incredulous] A hundred and fifty nine –

[Naboo immediately holds the kitten picture up in front of his face, and Howard smiles.]

Howard: Aww. Haha. Look at his little face. [He takes the picture, then reaches into his pocket and gives Naboo a wad of bills].


Scene 8.
Inside Boosh hut.

[We see Howard walk back through the Zoo towards the house. Inside, Vince is entertaining himself in front of the mirror with Howard’s pipe. Howard opens the door and steps inside.]

Howard: Hey.
Vince: Hey! How’s it going?
Howard: Good. What’re you doing with my pipe?
Vince: Oh I just, ah, borrowed it, because I’m going to a party tonight and uh, you’ve not been invited, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.
Howard: [concentrating on kitten picture for a few seconds] Yeah that’s fine. … What party?
Vince: Oh it’s just a writer’s party, you know. Dixon Bainbridge has organised it. Hamilton Cork’s gonna be there. Apparently I’m gonna be famous.
Howard: [concentrating harder on picture] Ah, I’m really pleased for you!
Vince: I tell you though, it’s a nightmare. Gideon, she’s all over me! She keeps coming ‘round, making me little pastries. I dunno what to do.
Howard: [staples kitten picture to his forehead] AW! I’m cool with that.
Vince: Come on Howard. I’m not interested in Gideon, I told ya, I like –
Howard: You keep away from her.
Vince: Alright.
Howard: You swear?
Vince: I swear!
Howard: Swear on Jagger.

[sighing, Vince turns around and kneels in front of a Mick Jagger shrine. He does the sign of the cross, then bumps his wrists together and points in a Jagger-esque motion to the riff of ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’]

Vince: Oh, come on Howard. [He rips the picture from Howard’s head, who yelps and grimaces in pain.] It’s gonna be alright, look. I’ve been thinking, right. What if you come to the party with me, yeah? Because think about it, Hamilton Cork, he hasn’t seen your sentence, has he?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Well I could put in a word for you; you could show him. If he likes it, we can both be writers!
Howard: It’s a good idea.
Vince: How cool would that be?
Howard: I’m not invited though, am I.
Vince: Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got a way we can sneak you in. [puts pipe in his mouth and winks to camera.]


Scene 9.
Writer’s Party, inside the zoo.

[A girl has approached Vince for an autograph]
Vince: Pencil.
[He clicks his fingers, and Howard appears dressed like a golf caddy.]
Vince: HB please. [Howard hands him a pencil.] Who should I make it out to?
Jacqui: To Jacqui.
Vince: Cool. [starts scribbling, then] This is a 2B.
Howard: So?
Vince: I asked for a HB. This is way too soft.
Howard: Alright alright.
Vince: It’s gonna crumble in Jacqui’s bag.
Howard: [Hands him a new pencil] There you go. Don’t push it, alright?

[Howard wanders away, and is approached by Naboo]

Naboo: [Offering a tray of assorted pipes] Pipe, sir?
Howard: [Reaching into pocket and pulling out a pipe] Uh, I’m fine, I’ve got a pipe.
Naboo: Something a little larger?
Howard: [Raising his voice] No, I’m fine with this one, alright? Yeah?
Naboo: Shh. Remember the kittens. Relax.
Howard: [Pulls picture from caddy] Yeah alright.
Naboo: Calm like an ocean. How are they working out for you?
Howard: Yeah they’re working out alright.
Naboo: If you want something a bit more powerful I’ve got an otter in a bib.
Howard: An otter in a bib? No, I’m fine with the kittens thank you.

[Howard goes to put the picture back in the caddy, but doesn’t notice it falls to the ground. Dixon Bainbridge arrives with a pipe on wheels, as big as a pram, to a flare of trumpets.]

Bainbridge: Vince! Great to see you! [approaches Naboo and shakes his hand] This book will really put our zoo on the map!
Fossil: No Bainbridge, that’s Naboo. This is Vince right here.
Bainbridge: [leaves Naboo and shakes Vince’s hand] Vince! Great book. Excellent. [looking past Vince] Corky!
Cork: Bainbridge! Ho ho!
Bainbridge: When was it last? Krakatoa ’62, we stayed on an extra day to watch the hanging!
Cork: Yes, God she struggled didn’t she? It’s as if she didn’t want to die!
[they both laugh raucously]
Bainbridge: Great wedding.
Cork: Yep, yep.
Bainbridge: Can I have a quiet word?
Cork: Mmm.
[they disappear]

Howard: Oi, Baudelaire. Come on.
Vince: What?
Howard: You having fun are you?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: Yeah, well I’m not.
Vince: What?
Howard: When’re you gonna get me in with the big cheese cutter?
Vince: Alright, I’m just waiting for the right moment.
Howard: Yeah well now’s the right moment, let’s move it.
Vince: Ok. [looks over at Bainbridge and Cork huddled in the corner]
Howard: Yeah?
Vince: You got your sentence?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Alright let’s go.

[The four approach each other]
Cork: Ah, Vince!
Vince: This is my mate Howard, he’s a writer too!
Cork: What do you want?
Howard: Well, I understand that you can tell whether you want to publish a book or not from reading the first sentence alone.
Cork: Yes, that is true.
Bainbridge: We used to call him ‘One Sentence Cork’.
Howard: Well, I’ve got a sentence and I’d like you to read it.
Cork: Well as it’s only a sentence I suppose I could give it a little look. Ah – it’s not about golf, is it?

[everyone chuckles]

Howard: No. [Hands Cork a tiny strip of paper.]
Vince: [Leaning into Howard] Right. Have you got your kitten picture?
Howard: What? [starts looking]
Vince: Have you got your kitten picture?
Howard: No… I dropped it.
Vince: [sighs] I’ll go and look for it.
Cork: Howard.
Howard: Yeah?
Cork: This is… superb.
Howard: What?
Cork: Why, well, it’s excellent!
Howard: Is it?
Cork: Mmm!
Howard: Oh. So… wait, you like it then?
Cork: Yes, yes I do.
Howard: Oh. … You sure?
Cork: [nodding] Mmm.
Howard: Anything else to… add to that?
Cork: No, no.
Gideon: [who has been standing behind Cork and has read the sentence over his shoulder] Oh well there is just one thing –
[Enraged, Howard punches Gideon and knocks her over, then]
Howard: Oh! Sorry!
Bainbridge: Fossil, get him out of here.
Howard: Gideon! I didn’t mean to do that! I just … I’m sorry! [Fossil starts dragging Howard away] Gideon! GIDEON! I love you! Gideon!!!
Bainbridge: [gleefully explaining to the party-goers] He punched a filly in the face!


Scene 10.
Still the party, but later.

[Cork, Bainbridge and Fossil are all laughing, standing in a circle with Vince]
Cork: Ah, quite a day for you, Vince!
Vince: Yeah.
Cork: We just want to talk you through a few minor editorial changes.
Vince: What changes?
Bainbridge: The name.
Vince: He’s called Charlie.
Bainbridge: No. The author’s name. Less Vince Noir, and more Dixon Bainbridge.
Vince: Yeah, but then everyone will think you wrote it.
Bainbridge: You catch on fast, fool.
Vince: But you can’t do that!
Bainbridge: Can I not? Did you copyright it?
Vince: [thinks] I photocopied it…
Bainbridge: [doubled over with laughter] You prick! Get rid of him Fossil!
Vince: When Charlie finds out about this, he’s gonna be furious. He’s gonna come for you.
Bainbridge: He thinks Charlie’s real! This guy is priceless! Good day, sir.
Vince: [pointing at Bainbridge] You’re in a hubba bubba nightmare.
Bainbridge: [sternly] I said good day, sir.

[Vince walks off in disgust]

Cork: Well done Bainbridge, your first novel! I didn’t know you had it in you.
Bainbridge: One doesn’t like to blow one’s own pipe!
[they laugh. Thunder and lightning crashes over the zoo, and two pink figures approach the zoo gates. They open the gates and start dancing. All the party goers have turned pink and stand frozen. They start dancing the same way as the gatekeepers, as if in a trance. The pink gatekeepers start singing, and the party folk follow.]

Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie!

[A real-life version of the animated Charlie appears in the gateway]

Bursting your bubble, like a hubba bubba nightmare
Pink fist of doom
Feel my jooby justice
Pink fist of doom
Feel my jooby justice!

Wrapping around your heart your mind your ribcage
Wrapping around your heart your mind your soul

Bursting your bubble, like a hubba bubba nightmare
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum

[As the patrons scatter, the gatekeepers start leaping around the party and flipping over the tables. They use long bubble gum tentacles to capture a terrified Bainbridge and Cork as Charlie creeps upon them. Lightning strikes again as we zoom in on Charlie’s eye and the scene ends]


Scene 11.
Zoo. Outside Panda Lodge.

[Gideon, sporting two black eyes and white tape across her nose after Howard’s attack, walks past the Panda Lodge where a panda is looking forlornly out the window. She moves back to look at him and places her hand on the window. The panda does the same, and blinks slowly. Gideon, looking very much like a panda, blinks slowly back.]


Scene 12.
Zoo. Bench by the hutches.

Howard: [sighs] I can’t believe it. Mrs Gideon getting off with that panda like that.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: [sighs again] What went wrong?
Vince: You did punch her in the face.
Howard: Yeah, I suppose so.
Vince: [amused] You idiot.
Howard: I don’t know what you’re so happy about, it was your panda she went off with.
Vince: [shrugging cheerfully] Oh well.
Howard: Look at you. You lose your panda, you lose the book deal. You’re still happy as a bean.
Vince: It’s this poncho! I can’t believe it. It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. … But don’t you worry about it Howard. [slaps him affectionately on the leg] I’ve got a surprise for ya. [Lifts poncho to reveal another even brighter poncho underneath, which he holds up for Howard] Check this out!
Howard: Oh, great.
Vince: Come on! [Puts it over Howard’s head. He sits there for a moment.]
Howard: [grumpily] It’s not working.
Vince: Give it a couple of minutes.

[Screen reads: Two Minutes Later...]

[Vince and Howard, wearing ponchos and sombreros, are leaping and dancing joyously in unison to a brass salsa]

[Curtains close. Vince appears.]

Vince: Hi! Hope you enjoyed the show tonight. Ah, particularly -
[Simon enters]
Simon: Hi, Vince. I’m really impressed with the work you’re doing in the show. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in being in my new devised piece.
[Howard ambles in]
Simon: Now it’s about sleepwalking, it’s called ‘Autumn Magnets’.
Vince: Oh, right.
Simon: Now I think you’d be ideal for the lead role: Julian.
Howard: Uh… what’s happening here?
Simon: I’m just saying, I’m very impressed with Vince’s work.
Howard: Really.
Vince: I’m gonna be in Autumn Magnets!
Howard: Are you now. I’m very proud of you.
Simon: Yeah. It will be touring –
Howard: [tapping Simon on the shoulder] Listen. I invited you on the show out of the kindness of my heart, yeah? So what do you think you’re playing at, you concur-headed berk?

[Simon head butts Howard, who falls backwards.]

Simon: Don’t mess with me. 29er. [wanders offscreen with Vince] Now listen, it will be equity minimum, but the per diems are very very good…


[Roll credits!]