ELECTRO (Season 1, Episode 7)

[in front of curtain]

Howard: Hi, welcome to the show. My name’s Howard Moon and this is Vince Noir.
Vince: [deep voice] He-llo. [pulls face. He and Howard look at each other, then, sheepishly] Sorry.
Howard: This week we’re gonna be tackling the subject of fame. When Lady Fame comes a-knocking on your door, you’ve gotta be quick to open that door. Because if you don’t open it a-quick, she’s away.
Vince: As if.
Howard: She only knocks once.
Vince: She does not. She knocks at my house all the time. Banging on the door. She’s on the doorstep. I go to Tescos, she’s hanging onto me cords…
Howard: That’s not Lady Fame, is it. Eh? That’s Mrs Pellem. She talks to mushrooms.
Vince: [stifling a giggle] It’s not, it’s Lady Fame.
Howard: I don’t think Lady Fame would shop at Tescos, she’d shop at Marks if anything.
Vince: She goes to Marks for her bits. She doesn’t do her main shop there. No one does.
Howard: Well, maybe we should talk about this another time, yeah?
Vince: Ok!
Howard: Yeah?
Vince: Seeya later.
Howard: Alright.
Vince: Colonel Eagle.
Howard: Seeya later, Chewy Teeth. Enjoy the show.

[curtains rise on Mighty Boosh opening titles]

Scene 1.
Zoo. Exterior, near the hutches.

[Howard is listening to jazz music blaring out of a small stereo and dancing in a jazz trance. Vince enters carrying a bucket.]

Vince: Hey, Howard. Howard. Oi, small eyes. [waves hand in front of Howard’s face, to no avail. Then to camera, sighing] He’s in a trance. A jazz trance. Every day he does this. It’s a pretty delicate procedure, getting him out. [slaps Howard across the face and jazz music stops]
Howard: [yelping in protest] Don’t do that. Ever.
Vince: What? Why?
Howard: Never do that to a man when he’s in a jazz trance.
Vince: Why?
Howard: I could have a heart attack! Eh? It’s like sleepwalking. I was deep in the juju then. I was chasing the train!
Vince: So what? Why don’t you try doing some work?
Howard: I’m gonna get round to my work, aren't I?
Vince: Are you.
Howard: This is my early morning procedure. Listen to my jazz, get myself juiced up, then go about my business.
Vince: No you don’t, you put your jazz on, go into a trance, ten past six, come out of the trance, go to the pub. That’s your day.
Howard: Have you got anything you could be doing, perhaps? Distributing seeds amongst the hoofed mammals maybe?
Vince: Yeah! I’m onto it…
Howard: Well how about it?
Vince: …because I started my day with this. [pulls a cassette tape from his pocket] Check this out. [Put tape in player and new-wave electro music comes out. Vince starts dancing.]
Howard: That is just making me feel physically sick. [Takes tape out of player and throws it on the ground] What is that gloomy racket?
Vince: [In absolute disbelief] That’s the Human League!
Howard: That is electro nonsense.
Vince: They’re electro pioneers! They invented music!
Howard: Invented music?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: What happened before them, then?
Vince: It was just tuning up before then.
Howard: Are you aware of the music known as jazz? Are you aware of jazz music? The movement of jazz?
Vince: [sighs] What do you keep going on about jazz for?
Howard: Because it’s the most important artform in the 20th Century. Hmm?
Vince: No one listens to jazz. Science teachers and the mentally ill, that’s all jazz is for.
Howard: You better take that back. You electro ponce.
Vince: Or what?
Howard: You better just take it back, that’s all.
Vince: I won’t be taking that back, I’ll be leaving it out there for all to see.
Howard: Drink it back up.
Vince: No. I hate jazz.
Howard: You hate jazz?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: You fear jazz. Eh? [Vince looks sheepish] Ahh.
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: Yeeeah. You fear jazz, don’t you?
Vince: No I don’t.
Howard: You fear the lack of rules.
Vince: No.
Howard: The lack of boundaries. Oooh! It’s a fence! No, it’s soft! Ahhhh! What’s happening? The shapes! The chaos! Eh? Has to be simple nursery rhymes for you, doesn’t it?
Vince: [distressed] Stop it. Stop the evil.
Howard: Simple little [to child’s schoolyard tune] “dee dee-dee de dee dee”.
Vince: Shut your mouth Howard.
Howard: The melody gets abstract. You mess your trousers. You run to your mummy.
Vince: Shut your mouth.
Howard: Eh? De-bop. Scoo-bup.
Vince: Don’t start scatting.
Howard: Bee-bup.
Vince: We don’t need scat at this point.
Howard: Dee be-de-bup-bow.
Vince: You better stop scatting.
Howard: Scoo-bup a doo-bup a deee KA!
Vince: This is your final warning.
Howard: Squiddily bee-bee, a scup –
[Vince throws the seedy contents of the bucket into Howard’s face and runs off]


Scene 2.
Zoo. Bench near the hutches, later.

Howard: Y’see the thing about scat singing is it’s erm, it’s an ancient art, it goes back as, uh, as far as the Chinese Dynasty.
Vince: Hey Howard look, there’s some girls.

[Two outrageously dressed girls appear and start looking in the enclosures]

Howard: Ah, yes, right. [starts grooming himself. They both stand.]
Vince: I’ll deal with this.
Howard: Ay? I’ll deal with it. Ok? You wanna step back and watch the master weave his magic. [They approach the girls] Ladies? Hi. Welcome to the zoo. My name is Howard Moon, I’m a zookeeper here, and I hope you’re enjoying your visit, this morning, and enjoying the animals that are on display here. There’s many to feast your eyes on. There’s the goats, who are on heat at the moment. [Vince starts to look confounded at Howard’s idiocy. The girls look unimpressed.] Um, and there’s others too, uh, later on there’ll be an aquatic display at three thirty and again at five thirty. I’ll be, myself, participating in, as a porpoise jockey, in the porpoise derby. Um, I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a man ride a porpoise but it can be quite a thrilling… quite a thrilling sight for a young lady to see.

[The girls stare agog at him for a moment, before turning to Vince]

Girl: Hi. Nice hair.
Vince: Cheers. Are you in a band?
Girl: Yeah. Kraftwerk Orange. [they do an electro hand movement in unison]
Howard: I’m a musician too, I play a lot of music in my time. Jazz musician, mainly. But I can… I’m a fully qualified scat singer.
Girl: We don’t do jazz.
Howard: No.
Girl: We do electro.
Howard: Electro is good. I enjoy the music of the Human League. I very much like them. Uhhh, big time, fan. I can play any instrument at all. You name it: I’m a multi-instrumentalist.
Girl: [sarcastically] Yeah, well if we need a bassoon player we’ll let you know. [begins to laugh]
Howard: [laughing along] Eh? I can play bassoon! That’s the irony of that!

[loudspeaker crackles, and Bob Fossil’s voice comes over]
Fossil: Howard Moon, get your ass to the jackal hut.
Howard: [leaning over to Vince] Go on. You do it for me, eh?
Vince: Why?
Howard: Because I’m getting on well with them.
Vince: Getting on well?
Howard: Yeah!
Fossil: And don’t get Vince to go instead of you!
Howard: Well, I’ve gotta scoot, so uh, don’t forget to check out those aquatic displays, at three thirty and again at five thirty. [waves and leaves]
Girl 2: Who’s that jazz creep?
Vince: He’s just a local simpleton. You know, I know his Mum. He comes around, does odd jobs. We give him a uniform, he’s happy.
Girl: Are you in a band?
Vince: Yeah. I’m in a couple of bands.
Girl 2: That’s a shame.
Vince: What?
Girl 2: Because we’re looking for someone to join our band.
Vince: Oh I mean the bands I’m in, I mean I’ve sort of, left them, recently. Today, earlier on.
Girl: Can you sing?
Vince: Yeah! I’m one of the great frontmen! I can pull shapes!
Girl: Yeah? Why do you work in a zoo then?
Vince: All the great frontmen work with animals. You know? Jagger worked in a pet shop. Rod Stewart worked in a tortoise sanctuary. Billy Ocean worked in an aquarium – that’s how he got his name. … That was a joke.
[Girls look unimpressed]
Vince: So what do you reckon then? Am I in?
Girl 2: [resignedly] Yeah, ok.
Girl: We’ll give you a shot.
Vince: Cool. I’m Vince, by the way.
Girl: I’m Neon.
Girl 2: Ultra. Laters. [The girls turn and walk off]
Vince: Laters… on.

[screen wipe to later. Vince is sitting on the bench and Howard enters carrying a broom]
Howard: Where are those girls?
Vince: They’re gone.
Howard: Gone?
Vince: You just missed ‘em.
Howard: Aw, I was getting a definite vibe off those girls.
Vince: [amused] I don’t think it was you they were interested in.
Howard: Ah, I think it was. I think I was getting some of the magic off ‘em, yeah? It wasn’t you they were interested in, was it?
Vince: They’ve asked me to be in their band.
Howard: [smashes broom over his head, then throws the remainder on the ground. Sits down next to a giggling Vince] I can’t believe it. You?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: You’re the least musical person I’ve ever met.
Vince: Who cares? It’s not about music. It’s about what you look like.
Howard: You should be careful.
Vince: Why?
Howard: You know what happened last time. Eh? You got all excited about that band with Leroy.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah that glam folk band.
Vince: Yeah, people weren’t really ready, were they? For the mixture of glam rock and folk music.
Howard: No. Nobody’s ready for that mixture.


Scene 3.
Flashback.

[Back view Vince and Leroy strumming guitars on a spot lit stage, singing ‘Scarborough Fair’. As the camera pans around to their front we see they have painted their faces like Kiss and are wearing huge black curly wigs.]

Vince: [in high glam rock voice] People! Gonna have ourselves a hot night! Come on! [gives devil horn symbol and flicks his tongue]


Scene 4.
Continuation of Scene 2.

Vince: Anyway, it’s gonna be different this time. I can feel it in my bones.
Howard: Yeah well, you should be more loyal to the zoo. That’s what I’m saying.
Vince: Why?
Howard: Why? Don’t go running off at the drop of a hat. Eh? Like little Fickle Bobby.
Vince: Fickle Bobby?
Howard: Running after the sunset like a candyfloss girl.
Vince: I don’t do that.
Howard: Yeah you do. Running away when you see a shiny object. You’ve gotta have a sense of duty; be loyal to the zoo like me. When I get an offer, I turn it down flat. I reject it out of hand.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: As if you get any offers.
Howard: I get plenty of offers.
Vince: Who do you get offers from?
Howard: I get plenty offers, sir.
Vince: Yeah, who from? Walt Disney?
Howard: Walt… offers me stuff.
Vince: Does he.
Howard: Many times Walt’s come round and said ‘will you help me out on stuff’. He came round last week, Walt. Uncle Walt.
Vince: Did he? Strange that he should choose you out of all the people in the world.
Howard: Not strange.
Vince: Why not?
Howard: He knows I’ve got an eye for detail.
Vince: What does he want you to do?
Howard: Sort out his felt pens. Put them in a workable order, from hot reds down through the lilacs from the beige, and then beyond to the ultramarine.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: I’ll bet that took ages. I bet Walt’s got millions of felt -
Howard: It didn’t take long at all, because I didn’t do it.
Vince: Why not?
Howard: I turned it down, didn’t I?
Vince: You idiot.
Howard: Out of a sense of duty.
Vince: You don’t want to anger Walt!
Howard: Why?
Vince: He’s offering you stuff, that might come back!
Howard: I can turn down Walt, I don’t have a problem with that. You know? Because I’m loyal.
Vince: I know. I understand what you’re saying but I feel torn, you know? On one hand I’ve got the zoo, I love the zoo, the animals? On the other hand I’ve got stardom, pulling me. I mean I just dunno what to do. I mean I wish I was you, it must be easy for you. You can’t really do anything else.
Howard: How dare you.
Vince: What?
Howard: I had a career in music beckoning for me you know.
Vince: Did you.
Howard: Yeah! I could have been something!
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah! But I didn’t. I turned it down.
Vince: When was that, in the fifties?
Howard: How old do you think I am? When you look at me, what do you see? Gandalf the hoary old wizard?
Vince: [grinning] No.
Howard: Yeah? I was a jazz musician, you know? And I could’ve been one of the greats, but something happened, Vince. Something that -
Vince: What happened?
Howard: Something that you… don’t need to know about.
Vince: Right.
Howard: Something that nobody needs to know about.
Vince: Well, look, alright, so you blew your chance, alright? But that’s not gonna happen to me. ‘Cause I’m going all the way.
Howard: Are you.
Vince: Yeah. So brace yourself. Noir’s going to the moon. [gets up and starts to walk away]
Howard: Ahh, the arrogance of youth.

[Vince turns around to look at Howard. We see Howard from Vince’s point of view, and suddenly he is dressed as a wizard in a grey gown complete with long white beard, staff and a pointy hat next to him on the bench.]

Howard: Hmm? Go on then. What are you looking at?

[Vince frowns and walks away. He takes another look over his shoulder and Wizard Howard picks up his hat, stands up and hobbles off.]


Scene 5.
Inside the Zookeepers Hut.

[We see Howard enter the hut. Vince is sitting at a table with a tape recorder.]
Vince: Hey, Howard, check this out. [Presses play on tape deck. Vince nods and smiles to the electro beat. Howard looks confused.] What do you reckon?
Howard: Awful.
Vince: [frowns, and presses stop button] That’s my new demo! We’re playing that tonight!
Howard: It’s very good.
Vince: You said it was awful!
Howard: Well it’s growing on me now.
Vince: I don’t think you understand what is going on, this is a big opportunity for me. I could be out of here, American tour, the lot.
Howard: Just slow down Vince. [sits beside him at table]
Vince: Why?
Howard: You’re going too fast.
Vince: Yeah? Rock and roll is fast. You know? If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next Thursday. Tuesday week, I’ll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.
Howard: Whoa there, relax. Take your foot off the pedal.
Vince: Why?
Howard: Slow down. You want fame, yeah?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: You want it bad.
Vince: So what?
Howard: It’s burning you up inside, innit.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Like a fire.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Yeah? In your throat. Argh!
Vince: Yeah what’s your point?
Howard: I used to have that fire in me.
Vince: [sighing] Oh, here we go.
Howard: Burning away. Deep inside me. I wanted fame, Vince. I had it as well; I was a musical genius.
Vince: As if you were a musical ge – you haven’t even picked up an instrument. I’ve never seen you with an instrument.
Howard: There’s a reason for that, ok? It’s time for me to tell you the story.
Vince: [groans] Is this gonna take long?
Howard: [gazing into the distance] This is a story that’s gonna chill you to the bone. It’s gonna turn your heart black with fear. It all happened what seems like a lifetime ago now. … [Eventually he turns to the camera and prompts] Flashback?


Scene 6.
Dingy jazz bar.

[This entire scene in black and white. A young, bespectacled, goateed and generally badly dressed Howard is sitting at an empty bar. Chairs are packed up on the tables, and he is scatting quietly to himself, holding a trumpet. A squeaky-voiced bartender is closing up the bar around him.]

Bartender: Get yerself outta here, Howard! Doncha have a home?
Howard: This is a jazz club, yeah?
Bartender: Yeah.
Howard: Yeah well wherever jazz is, I is. Be-bop’s my home.
Bartender: I thought you lived on Northbrook St, near the Budgeons?
Howard: Yeah it’s a metaphor.
Bartender: You’ve been here the past three nights. What’re you hanging around here for?
Howard: Is something wrong with your voice?
Bartender: [clears his throat, then continues in the same squeaky-voice] What’re you hanging around here for?
Howard: Gonna be a jazz musician. [Barkeep laughs squeakily] Something funny?
Bartender: Yeah! You know there’re those who got it. And those who ain’t.
Howard: I’m gonna get it, ok?
Bartender: No you ain’t. Y’know why? ‘Coz you ain’t got the spirit o’ jazz inside ya.
Howard: Well I’ve got a dream inside of me. How’s that for you?
Bartender: [sincerely] Howard, there’s a job opening here, as a barrel monkey, with your name on it. I suggest you take it.
Howard: A barrel monkey? I’m Howard Moon.
Bartender: Is that a yes?
Howard: It’s a thank you, no.
Bartender: Suit yerself. Here’re the keys. Lock up when you’re done. [opens door to exit, and over his shoulder, calls] Good luck, fool!

[Howard lifts the trumpet to his lips, and blows. At first, nothing except raspberry noises. He then pummels the keys with the flat of one hand and produces a feeble toot. As he continues to spit into the trumpet, the lights begin to flicker and go out. A figure clicks his fingers and a spotlight appears on him at the back of the bar. He is smartly dressed in a white suit and top hat, which has flames dancing out the top of it, long black dreadlocks and with black and white skeletal paint on his face. His voice is raspy and deep.]

Jazz: Well, well. [he starts to walk toward Howard, with a jive in his step] What have we got here? Hey there little fella. Mmm. Little piece a’ chicken. What’s happening, boy?
Howard: [extremely alarmed] Who are you?
Jazz: Mm, I’s the Spirit of Jazz.
Howard: What do you want?
Jazz: Oooh, you in turmoil. What’s wrong? Why don’t you tell Uncle Mario what’s wrong?
Howard: I want to be the greatest jazz player in Yorkshire.
Jazz: Yorkshire? What is Yorkshire?
Howard: Yorkshire is a place. Yorkshire is a state of mind.
Jazz: Yorkshire. New Orleans. It’s all the same to me, baby. Yeah, baby I’ll make you famous. You wanna be famous?
Howard: [nodding] Yeah.
Jazz: [pointing to walls] You wanna be on the wall? Look at this guy. Blind Barney Shortbread. Huh? What a player. I seen him play with my own eyes. Man was a genius. What about this guy? Hot Weewee Jefferson. The cystitis kid. Man when he was playing, those pipes was on fire. I could make you like that. D’you wanna be on the wall? Howard Moon?
Howard: How do you know my name?
Jazz: It’s on your trumpet case, asshole.
Howard: Oh yeah. … So what do we do then?
Jazz: Well maybe I’ll make you famous. Maybe I’ll do all I say. But maybe you gots to do something for me. I gots needs too you know.
Howard: Whast?
Jazz: Never mind the itty bitty details. Just sign here baby. [A contract magically slips into Howard’s hand] Sign here.
Howard: In blood?
Jazz: [handing him a pen] Biro’s fine.
Howard: [takes the pen, signs the contract. He looks at it while handing it back.] What’s this stuff about, ownership of the soul?
Jazz: [snatching contract and laughing scarily] Yous is mine, boy! You signed right here! You signed your soul away! Yeah, I own you baby. Every time you pick up an instrument I’ll be there, inside ya, wearin ya like a glove! Your sweet ass is mine! Ow, chika-chika ow. [then, in pain] Ow! [takes hat off head and drops it on the ground] Man, my hat’s on fire! [starts stomping it out] What’s wrong wit you? You blind? Why didn’t you tell me?
Howard: Sorry, I… I thought that was your look.
Jazz: No! It ain’t my look! That’s a brand new hat. Spoiled my exit now. [starts to walk back to the back of the bar, having lost the jive in his step.] Trying to do you a favour. [walks off to the right, then returns.] There ain’t no door back there, it’s the toilet. [walks off to the left]


Scene 7.
Continuation of Scene 5.

Howard: And then, that next evening, you’ll never believe what happened. When I lifted that trumpet to my mouth and blew that first note, something incredible happened, Vince. Something that –
[he suddenly realises that Vince isn’t paying any attention: he has put on his headphones and is bopping along silently to the demo tape.]
Howard: [Angrily] Oi!
Vince: [lifting one earpiece] What?
Howard: Are you listening to me?
Vince: [taking headphones off] No, I’m not!
Howard: I’m telling you an important story here.
Vince: So what?
Howard: A little bit of information that might help you?
Vince: I’m not interested. You know?
Howard: You’re not interested?
Vince: No. I’m a rock star now.
Howard: Whoa, big man.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Yeah? Well you’ve changed.
Vince: So what?
Howard: You used to be a zookeeper. This is where your heart was. What about the zoo?
Vince: [bleep] the zoo.
Howard: [raises eyebrows in absolute shock] What did you say?
Vince: I said [bleep] the zoo! [gets up]
Howard: [still in shock] I can’t believe you’re saying that. What about the animals?
Vince: [bleep] the animals! They’re all a bunch of [bleep]! [opens the door to leave]
Howard: [imploringly] Vince, you said you wanted to help the animals.
Vince: I do! I want to help them all to DIE! [exits]
[Howard shakes his head]


Scene 8.
Inside the Reptile House.

[Vince’s band is rehearsing inside the Reptile House. Vince is holding a microphone. On his right is an arrogant-looking chap wearing a pinstripe suit and two hats holding down one note on a keyboard. Behind them, Neon and Ultra are playing an electric drum kit and a red keyboard axe. They are making a horrible noise. Vince interrupts.]

Vince: Ah, wait a second. Ahh, are you gonna be wearing those hats tonight?
Johnny: [Laughing pretentiously] Yeah. Why?
Vince: Well it’s just that, you know, I’m a frontman, and um, I’m trying to create some stuff out here, pull some shapes, and uh, they’re sort of creeping into my line of vision, you know? Sort of bobbing in. So, if you could just take ‘em off. [starts fiddling with mic stand]
Johnny: Uh – do you know who I am? [to the girls] Where’d you get this chump from, huh? [to Vince] I’m Johnny Two-Hats.
Vince: Yeah.
Johnny: Huh? And why do you think they call me that?
Vince: Is it because you’ve got two hats on?
Johnny: Bingo. [clicks his fingers]
Ultra: Hellooo? We’ve got a gig tonight? Remember?
Johnny: Ok. One, two, three, four…

[the ‘music’ starts up. Vince interrupts again]

Vince: Sorry, um… what if someone starts wearing three hats?
Johnny: [suspiciously] Have you seen someone wearing three hats?
Vince: No.
Johnny: No of course you haven’t seen anyone with three hats. You haven’t even seen anyone with two hats yet.
Vince: Do you know why no one’s ever worn two hats before?
Johnny: Why?
Vince: Because it looks freakish. You look like an absolute idiot.
Johnny: Just stop dissing the hats, ok, you’re making me very cross, Vince.
Vince: Alright.
Johnny: Next time girls, will you consult me before you employ some bozo on front vox?
Ultra: Sorry Johnny.
Neon: Yes Johnny.
Johnny: Johnny what?
Girls: Johnny Two Hats.
Johnny: Thank you. Two, three, four…

[Vince knocks Johnny’s hats onto the floor. Johnny freaks out and kicks Vince in the arse, causing him to land face first on the ground. The screen goes black for a moment. Now Vince is sitting in the Reptile House with a tissue sticking out of his bleeding nose. The girls are sitting on a road case beside him.]

Neon: So what are we gonna do now Johnny’s left?
Vince: Well, who cares about Johnny? I mean what was he actually bringing to the band anyway? Other than the extra hat?
Neon: [getting up angrily] He wrote all the music!
Ultra: [following suit] He played the synth-bass parts!
Neon: He programmed the drums.
Ultra: Run the web site.
Neon: He came up with THIS.
[Both girls do their signature electro hand gesture from earlier.]
Vince: Yeah, that is pretty good. Alright, look, I’ll get someone else.
Neon: Well you’ve got three hours.
Vince: Alright, that’s ages! It’ll be fine! Cool your boots!
Ultra: Listen. There’s some important people coming tonight. The head of Pieface Records is gonna be there.
Vince: Look I’ll get someone, alright?
Ultra: Yeah well they’ve gotta be cool!
Vince: Hey, I only know cool people!
Ultra: [menacingly] Yeah, whatever. You’ve got three hours. If you don’t come up with someone, we’re gonna stab you up.
Neon: You rock ponce! [slaps him over the head. Both girls leave.]


Scene 9.
Zoo, exterior enclosures, outside aquarium.

[Howard emerges wearing a pair of tiny striped swimming shorts, a wetsuit shirt coloured like a jockey’s racing top, flippers, and a cap. He removes his goggles and puts them on his head as Neon and Ultra storm past.]

Howard: Hello ladies. I’ve just ridden a porpoise.
Neon: Yeah? Ring a ding ding!
Howard: Yeah… catch you later, yeah?

[Howard awkwardly walks towards the Zookeepers hut in his flippers]


Scene 10.
Inside the Zookeepers Hut.

[Howard enters and starts putting a robe on over his swimming gear. Vince is sitting at a table.]

Vince: Alright Howard?
Howard: Alright.
Vince: Sorry about earlier. I behaved like a tit. I’m just having problems coping with the stardom.
Howard: Stardom? You’ve only been in the band since 10.30 this morning.
Vince: Yeah but you know, the lifestyle, the drugs.
Howard: What drugs?
Vince: Well you know, the coffees. I’ve had three lattes, and an amerciano. I’m blazing. How’d it go with you in the porpoise race?
Howard: [sitting beside Vince] I came last.
Vince: What, again? Who won?
Howard: Tony.
Vince: What, Blind Tony?
Howard: Yeah. He’s using sonar, or something. How’s it going with you, anyway, and your pop band?
Vince: [pouring them both cups of tea] It’s going alright. I’m having a bit of trouble with the keyboard player though. [passes mug to Howard] Johnny Two Hats.
Howard: Oh yeah. What is it, mood swings?
Vince: He’s left the band.
Howard: That’s a pretty big mood swing. He swung right out of the band, there.
Vince: You know what musicians are like, pretty temperamental. I mean, you’d know.
Howard: I do know.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: Oh yeah.
Vince: I heard you were pretty good.
Howard: You heard right little man. I was one of the best, Vince.
Vince: I heard you could play any instrument.
Howard: That is right. I’m a multi-instrumentalist.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: I can play anything: trumpet. Guitar. Kazoo. Bassoon. You name it.
Vince: Keyboard?
Howard: Yeah. Grade 17.
Vince: Is that good or bad?
Howard: Let’s just say Grade 10 is a musical genius. [gets up]
Vince: [at camera, thinking aloud] Mmm, seven off. I can probably work with that. Hey Howard, do you think you could do me a favour?
Howard: [turning around slowly] I’m not doing it.
Vince: [getting up to try and convince him] Oh, come on, it’ll be amazing! It’ll be genius! Me and you! Fame, stardom?
Howard: No, I… I can’t. I just can’t do it Vince.
Vince: Well what about the girls? I think they’re into you.
Howard: Are they?
Vince: Yeah! They said you were an eccentric character!
Howard: [absorbing it] Eccentric character, eh?
Vince: Come on. There’s two of them, two of us, it’ll be like the indie ABBA! It’ll be perfect!
Howard: Ohhh, I can’t Vince, I just can’t do it!
Vince: Why?
Howard: Even if I could I… I haven’t got the right look, you know, my hairs not right…
Vince: I’ve already thought about this. Leave it to me. [turns and picks up a small red case from a bench, then puts it on the table] Check this out. I’ve never shown anyone this, alright? If you do this gig for me, I’ll give you unlimited access, to these babies. [unlatches the lid. Light and angelic singing emanates from the case.]
Howard: What are those?
Vince: They’re my offcuts. My old hair! [reaches in and grabs two handfuls to show him] Huh? Glue ‘em on! Redesign your hair! Have fun with it!
Howard: I appreciate the gesture, but no.
Vince: It seems like a lot – it’s fine, honestly.
Howard: No no, it’s not that, I can’t do the gig. [shuts the lid] I just can’t do it ok. You know why.
Vince: Why not?
Howard: I told you why.
Vince: What, ‘cause of that stupid story?
Howard: Yeah!
Vince: I don’t believe you! [takes the case away]
Howard: Listen Vince, when I play, bad things happen.
Vince: Just forget it, alright? I’ll get someone else.
Howard: [imploringly] Vince, that’s not it…
Vince: [storming out the door] Yeah, whatever!
Howard: I’d love to help but –
Vince: This is bullshit. [exits]


Scene 11.
Ape Enclosure.

[Vince enters carrying an acoustic guitar.]
Vince: Bollo, you’ve gotta help me.
Bollo: Huh?
Vince: I desperately need a guitarist for tonight’s gig. Can you play guitar?
Bollo: Yes. I play just like Hendrix.
Vince: Yes! Brilliant, great. [Handing him guitar] There you go.

[Bollo immediately pulls the guitar over his head, then smashes it on the ground, grunting. Vince ducks for cover.]

Vince: What are you doing? What was that??
Bollo: Woodstock. ’69.

[Vince shakes his head in disbelief.]


Scene 12.
Zookeepers Hut.

[Howard is sitting on the couch, still in racing gear and robe, looking longingly at a trumpet he is holding. He blows some dust off it, positions his fingers, then looks around warily before bringing the mouthpiece to his lips. He begins to play a beautiful slow jazz piece. The camera pans around the room and settles on The Spirit of Jazz.]

Jazz: Well well well. If it ain’t the Comeback Kid.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Jazz: [sniffs] Mmm, I think you’ve been playing again, boy.
Howard: Uh, I’m not playing. [puts trumpet down on couch]
Jazz: Ohh, yous is playin’, boy. Now it’s time for me to get inside a ya again.
Howard: I don’t want that, please, I can’t have that.
Jazz: Oh yeah baby. I’m coming inside.
Howard: Stop saying that will you? It sounds weird.
Jazz: Weird? How so? We had an agreement.
Howard: I know we did, but I don’t want anything to do with that now.
Jazz: Come on, baby. You wanna feel the warmth of me. Deep inside ya, doncha?
Howard: I most certainly do not.
Jazz: I been inside all the greats. I been inside Charlie Parker. I been inside Miles Davis. I even got inside Steve Davis. Though that was an accident. But anyway! Don’t deny me my role! I’m gonna creep inside ya like a warm kitten!
Howard: Just leave me alone!
Jazz: We made such sweet music together. Don’t you remember those days? We were jazz pioneers.
Howard: Pioneers? What you made me do was embarrassing. [gets up to leaves hurriedly] I don’t want anything more to do with you. [exits]
Jazz: I will not believe that boy’s giving me the credence I deserve. [a pause, then at camera] What’re you lookin’ at?


Scene 12.
Naboo’s Kiosk.

[Kiosk is shut. The sign reads: ‘Shaman in Session’. Inside, Howard is sitting on the couch with Naboo across from him.]

Howard: Oh, I mean I dunno, I wanna help Vince, I really do. I just… I can’t.
Naboo: Can’t, or won’t?
Howard: [irked] Can’t.
Naboo: I thought you were a team.
Howard: We were a t– we are a team. Ok? It’s just that when I play an instrument, the Spirit of Jazz gets inside me, and when that happens, it isn’t pretty. He makes me do stuff.
Naboo: What like shopping?
Howard: Shopping? No. Things I’d rather not talk about, Naboo.
Naboo: There may be a way. Play this. [hands Howard a trumpet]
Howard: Play this? Are you high?
Naboo: [grins and nods] Yeah.
Howard: I thought I explained to you, when I play an instrument –
Naboo: [commands] Play. [gets up and walks toward the door, to the disapproving glare of Howard] Just play it!

[Resignedly, Howard lifts the trumpet to his lips and starts to play a fast jazz number. The Spirit of Jazz appears across from him. Howard stops playing and looks nervous.]

Jazz: Mmm. I knew you couldn’t resist me boy! Time for me to get inside a ya again.
Howard: Ohhhhh dear.
Jazz: I’m gonna wear you like a glove.
[Naboo re-enters with a vacuum cleaner, the nozzle pointing at the Spirit of Jazz, who looks at him in confusion.]
Jazz: [to Howard] Who the hell is this asshole?
Naboo: I’m Naboo, that’s who. Get in my Hoover bag, you boo.
[He switches on vacuum. The Spirit of Jazz groans as he is sucked into the Hoover.]
Naboo: Now, run like the wind.
Howard: [getting up quickly] Thanks Naboo! [exits]
Naboo: [calling after him] Sort your hair out! It’s an 80s band!


Scene 13.
Backstage at the venue.

[Neon and Ultra angrily throw Vince against a wall and start making demands. They are all dressed in matching white jumpsuits and polo medallions. Vince sports rainbow braces and his hair parted, with one side slicked down and the other puffed up. He also has half a moustache]

Neon: Listen bitch, have you got anyone?
Vince: Ummm….
Ultra: You better have. Because the head of Pieface Records is here to see us.
Vince: I… I mean I was thinking, do we actually need anyone?
Ultra: WHAT? [stamps foot]
Vince: Well Johnny Two Hats, what did he do, play keyboard? How hard can it be? I mean it’s just this, innit? [does bad imitation of playing keyboard by moving his hands up and down in the air]
Neon: [producing a knife and holding it to Vice’s throat] Have you got anyone or not?

[To triumphant and romanticised music, Howard appears in slow motion in the doorway smoking a cigarette. He wears a purple suit with the sleeves rolled up over his pink shirt, a silver tie and is sporting a fantastic 80s quiff. As he stands romantically in the doorway, the girls release their grip on Vince and spin to look at him.]

Howard: Ladies.
Vince: Howard!
Howard: Hi.
Neon: No way. Not that simpleton!
Vince: [grinning] He’s a musical genius.
Ultra: He better be. … He looks like a paedophile.
[Howard does a bad 80s dance to complete his look. We can see he also wears pastel pink trousers and what looks like blue slippers.]


Scene 14.
Inside the venue.

[A man with a pie for a face is sitting at a table, nodding in time to the music. Vince appears and sits beside him.]

Vince: Hey. I’m so glad you could make it. Maybe after the gig we could have a drink, if it goes well, have a chat about stuff?
Pieface: Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Uh… who are you?
Vince: I’m Vince. I’m in Kraftwerk Orange? [Pieface nods hesitantly] Well… you’re the head of Pieface Records?
Pieface: No. No I’m Marcus Hoffman. I design speedboats.
Vince: Right. Sorry, I thought you were someone else. [gets up to leave]
Pieface: [stops him] Hey but listen, a few of us get together at weekends. Listen to some reggae. Maybe you wanna, uh, come and hang out with us?
Vince: Get lost, creepy crust. [exits]


Scene 15.
Naboo’s Kiosk.

[Hoover is sitting alone in the middle of the room. We hear the voice of the Spirit of Jazz.]

Jazz: Mm. If I can, just turn this thing on… [the Hoover starts up and begins moving across the floor] Yeah! Now I’m coming for ya Howard Moon! Hoover or not, I’m a coming for ya!


Scene 16.
On stage at the venue.

[From left to right, Howard, Vince, Ultra and Neon stand on stage with their backs to the audience, to the opening strains of their song. Howard and the girls spins around as the keyboards kick in for another 2 bars. Vince then turns to the audience as his vocal starts. He is wearing a microphone headset and pulls a series of shapes as he sings]

Vince: Driving along on a plastic dream
Heart beats fast like a tiny machine
I am electro boy [turns to the right to display ‘boy’ makeup]
I am electro girl [turns to the left to display ‘girl’ makeup]
Sailing along on a Perspex sea
Crystal moccasin bionic cheese
I am electro boy [pulls signature Kraftwerk Orange move]
I am electro girl [the audience imitates]

[During this sequence we see cutaways of the Hoover slowly making it’s way through the zoo. We also see Johnny Two Hats sitting grumpily in the audience, wearing about six hats. After this verse, Vince points to Howard for a keyboard solo. We cut away to the Hoover who has now gotten inside the venue.]

Jazz: He’s close. I can smell him! I can smell the notes!

[Neon and Ultra stare at Howard, unsure of what to make of him. The second verse starts up, a repeat of the first. This time Vince has a small fan which he incorporates into his actions. We see the Hoover creeping across the back of the stage. Howard is completely involved in his performance and doesn’t notice the Hoover sneaking up behind him and poking it’s nozzle up into Howard’s rudey parts. Immediately Howard begins flailing about as if being electrocuted, and his keyboard sounds go all manic. We see the face of the Spirit of Jazz superimposed onto Howard’s as he “gets inside a him”. The band are forced to stop and look at him as he hops awkwardly towards Vince.]

Jazz: [inside Howard] Get the hell out of my way, lady! [pushes Vince offstage, who yelps] We’re gonna have ourselves some hot jazz!

[a trumpet materialises out of the air, and in a trance, Howard starts playing a blistering trumpet solo. Alarmed, the audience start to back away. The girls grimace. Due to the power of the jazz, all of Howard’s clothes tear away from his body so he is standing there in only shreds and a rather, uh, interesting black leather gstring. Johnny Two Hats looks very amused. Howard’s hair has now transformed into a high frizzy square save for a curl in the middle of his forehead. Eventually Neon bats him over the back of the head with her keyboard axe and he collapses off the front of the stage.]


Scene 17.
Zoo. Around the cages, then moving into the corridor.

[Howard and Vince enter in their zookeepers uniforms. Vince has a white bandage wrapped around his head; Howard has a smaller patch bandage on his forehead.]

Howard: Ahhh. Well. I’m sorry about last night Vince. I got a bit carried away. The jazz got in me and I… I had a jazz attack.
Vince: Whole night was a shambles. I can’t believe those electro girls. They stabbed everyone up. Anyway look, I’ve been thinking, I don’t think it’s for me, you know, the rock and roll lifestyle.
Howard: Don’t you worry about that Vince.
Vince: Hmm?
Howard: I’m gonna make it up to you.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: I’ve got something lined up for us. Check this out. [opens a door]
Vince: [leaning into the doorframe wide-eyed] Wow.

[we see a long table that stretches off into black oblivion, covered in millions of coloured felt pens.]

Howard: Let’s sort these pens out for Uncle Walt.

[roll credits! Under the credits is a picture of Vince and Leroy dressed as the glam folk band. In a very folky manner, they sing ‘Breaking The Law’ by Judas Priest under the closing titles.]

CHARLIE (Season 1, Episode 6)

[In front of curtains]

Howard: Hi, welcome to the show. My name’s Howard Moon, this is Vince Noir.
Vince: Alright?
Howard: This week we’ve got a real treat for you, in the form of a very very special friend of mine. An actor, a great actor who’s agreed to play a part within the show.
Vince: [disgusted] Not Simon McFarnaby?
Howard: Yeah. Simon McFarnaby. One of the foremost exponents of devised theatre in the country.
Vince: You only get him in because you think he’s gonna put you in one of his little “devised pieces”.
Howard: He might do that. What do you know?
Vince: I don’t think so.
Howard: He’s not working at the moment, so I thought I’d get him in the show.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: I wonder why that is.
Howard: What d’you mean?
Vince: Well he looks a bit weird, dunnee? He’s all wooden, he looks like a concur.
Howard: What are you talking about? No he doesn’t! He’s here now, d’you mind? [makes himself look presentable, then motions to side of screen] Simon McFarnaby.

[Simon enters]
Simon: Hi.
Howard: How are you?
Simon: I’m well. I’m well. I’m good.
Howard: Yeah, you’re looking great. Looking great.
Simon: Yeah thanks, thanks.
Howard: So um, you working much at the moment? You got much on?
Simon: Uh, a bit quiet at the moment but I’ve got something lined up for the autumn, so.
Howard: Really.
Vince: [under his breath] I bet you ‘ave.
Simon: [to Vince] Hmm?
[Vince ignores him]
Howard: So, uh, I just wanna say that um, it’s great to have you on the show. Great to be working with you.
Simon: Yeah. Ok.
Howard: Really looking forward to working with you and just working and being with you on the show.
Simon: Thanks. Thanks, well I’ll go and get Wanda. [exits]
Howard: Alright. Ok. See you.
Vince: Why don’t you go and put your head in some vinegar?
Simon: [re-enters] What?
Howard: He’s just… er, mucking around.
Simon: Oh, right. Ok. [exits]
Howard: Alright, seeya. [to Vince] What are you doing?
Vince: What?
Howard: Get off.
[Vince exits]
Howard: [to camera] Enjoy the show. [exits in same direction as Simon, calling] Simon? Simon?

[curtains open to Mighty Boosh opening titles]

Scene 1
The Zoo. Exterior, by the hutches.

Vince: Come on Howard, put some energy into it! Get involved!
Howard: I’m carrying a bucket of seed. How am I supposed to get involved in that?
Vince: This is the best job in the zoo! Millet distribution. [opens hutch door, throws seed inside].
Howard: There’s something wrong with you, you know that don’t you.
Vince: What do you mean?
Howard: Well you’re always happy, aren’t you. Everything’s fun for you. Eh? You see a peanut, the days off to a good start. You witness some soil: it’s a jamboree for Vince Noir. I need something more.
Vince: I think it’s this poncho. [swirls] I mean, it’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. I’m gonna get a sombrero as well, imagine that! A poncho-sombrero combo. I’ll be off my tits on happiness. … You should get one.
Howard: Yeah. It takes more than a Mexican outfit and some seed distribution to make me happy. [sits on bench] You know Vince, this zoo is too small for me. I’m a man of grand designs. I need something more, something to stimulate my mind cogs. You know what I’m gonna be?
Vince: What? [sits next to him]
Howard: I’m gonna be a writer.
Vince: As if you’re gonna be a writer.
Howard: Hmm?
Vince: You haven’t even got a pen.
Howard: [points to head] You don’t need a pen to be a writer, Vince.
Vince: I think you do.
Howard: Yeah, I’m a deep thinker. I’m gonna be a novelist.
Vince: I write novels.
Howard: What?
Vince: The Charlie books.
Howard: The Charlie books?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: What, that pink shape you draw?
Vince: Yeah. Charlie.

[animation]
Vince: [voice over] Charlie is genius, right: he's made from a million pieces of old bubble gum. Ha, imagine that! In the summer of 1976, on his way home from an Alice Cooper concert, Charlie started to melt onto the pavement. It was too hot in LA, and he melted like a pink bitch. “Haha!” Luckily though, there was Eric Phillips, a local crocodile who dabbled in black magic. He took pity on Charlie and scraped him off the floor with a pair of fish slicers. He poured him into an antique soup ladle and boarded his magic carpet. “Haha. Hold on tight, Charlie!” Destination: Alaska! Eric Phillips decided to refreeze Charlie, but in his cold-blooded reptilian haste, he refroze him into to the shape of a hoover! "I wasn't thinking!" Charlie wasn't fazed though, he just zoomed about the place sucking up Inuits. Hehe … oh. The Inuits didn't mind, they loved it in Charlie's pink tight warm belly pouch, and they refused to come out. Charlie said "I'm cool with that," and set fire to a posh hammer to make it official. "I appear to be on fire." The downside was that the Inuits suffocated immediately. It was air-tight in there. Charlie panicked and fired the tiny Inuit bullets into Eric's crocodile peepers. "After all I did for you … oooh." The green shape was frozen. After a quick drink, Charlie stole Eric Phillips magic carpet and left for Seattle. Charlie was racked with guilt, he'd killed 50 Inuits; no one needs that. He decided to spend the rest of his life putting small hairstyles onto boots, monkey nuts, trumpets and spanners.
[animation ends]

Howard: That’s not a novel. That’s the scribblings of a retard, Vince.
Vince: They are novels. They’re novelettes.
Howard: It’s in crayon, you berk.
Vince: [hurt] So what, I’m new school.
Howard: New school?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: I’m talking about books that are gonna get published.
Vince: Mine are published; I publish ‘em myself.
Howard: You photocopy them and you leave them lying around supermarkets, inside Weet-a-bix boxes, that’s not published, is it? Huh? I wanna deal with real people, you know? Real issues and real characters, Vince.
Vince: Charlie’s real.
Howard: Will you shut up about Charlie? Ok? He’s not real.
Vince: He is real.
Howard: No, he isn’t, stop saying that.
Vince: You’re scared of Charlie.
Howard: I’m not scared of him.
Vince: Why are you scared of Charlie?
Howard: I’m not scared of him!
Vince: You don’t need to be scared of Charlie.
Howard: I’m not even scared of him, alright?
Vince: Charlie’s always been here.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: He’s always been with us.
Howard: Shut up. Stop that, alright? You know I don’t like him.
Vince: [giggling] He likes you, what’s your problem?
Howard: What do you mean he likes me?
Vince: He thinks you’re funny.
Howard: He thinks I’m funny?
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: What do you mean? I’m not funny.
Vince: Do you know what he does?
Howard: I’m a serious man.
Vince: He comes round when you’re asleep. Watches you. Leans over your bed. Ooooh!
Howard: You better shut up about Charlie, ok?
Vince: You can’t handle Charlie.
Howard: Shut up.

[they get up and go towards more hutches]

Howard: Yeah, well, have a look at Techno Mouse, see how he’s doing.

[Vince opens hutch to reveal tiny nightclub. He reaches in and grabs the mouse]

Vince: He’s freaking out, Howard.
Howard: Why? What’s wrong with him?
Vince: He’s had a gram of speed and two microdots.
Howard: Oh no. Get him in the ambient hutch, quick.

[Vince opens another hutch to reveal tiny blue-lit trance room playing soothing music. He places mouse inside.]

Vince: Drink some water. [shuts hutch door]


Scene2.
The Zoo. Exterior. On the bench in the main area.

Howard: Ah, I’ll tell you what Vince. When I’m famous, I’ll be out of this zoo. I’m gonna be mixing with the high society, living the high life.
Vince: What about me?
Howard: Well I’d bring you along with me. You know. You could…
Vince: Yeah? Cool.
Howard: You could come along with me, yeah. As a writer I’d want to focus on the act of writing, you know.
Vince: Yeah, yeah.
Howard: I wouldn’t want to expend any mental energy on mundane tasks like laundry, or…
Vince: No way.
Howard: …emptying the rubbish and stuff, so you could do that for me. That’d help me out.
Vince: Get stuffed! I’m not doing that!
Howard: Why? You could come along and make tea for me, and hand me pens, as and when I need them, you know.
Vince: What, like a caddy?
Howard: Yeah, like a little writer’s caddy. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Vince: No!
Howard: Yeah you would! You could sort of follow at a discreet distance, and then if I have an idea, you could whip out a biro and give it to me.
Vince: I’m not doing that.
Howard: Carry a little pencilcase on wheels. You know. Just behind me. Wear a little chequered suit; funny little hat.
Vince: I don’t wear chequered suits.
Howard: Well, I thought you liked dressing up?
Vince: Yeah, in ponchos.
Howard: Oh right. Well, the offer’s there, if you want it.
Vince: [sarcastic] Oh thanks a lot. I’m going to lunch now. Naboo’s done a chilli. Are you coming?
Howard: No no, I’ve got to do some reading.
Vince: Yeah? You mean, you’re gonna stay here and spy on Gideon?
Howard: No. I’ve just got to do some research for my novel.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Well you should be careful, she’s already put in a complaint. [gets up and leaves]
Howard: Seeya later, Speedy Gonzalez.

[Howard opens his book, titled ‘Gogol’. He brings the book right up to his eyes where there are holes punched through the Os. As he starts spying on Gideon, the window behind him opens and Bob Fossil appears]

Fossil: What’re you doing, Moon?
Howard: Uh, just reading.
Fossil: Yeah? Well I got a problem with the black and white people at the zoo.
Howard: Who?
Fossil: You know. The black-eyed Chinese people that eat sticks?
Howard: The pandas?
Fossil: [patronising, and while fondling himself] OH, I’m Howard Moon, I know how to read! I know all the animal’s names at the zoo! … Yeah, the pandas.
Howard: What’s the problem?
Fossil: Well apparently, and this is on the QT, Bainbridge told me that when the man panda kisses the lady panda, they invent new baby pandas, and everyone comes from all over and gives us money!
Howard: Yeah, that’s known as breeding.
Fossil: Yeah, I know! Hump time!
Howard: Yeah well it’s notoriously difficult to get pandas to breed in captivity, I thought you’d know that, Mr Fossil.
Fossil: Yeah, but I got a plan, dingus. Y’see, the man panda won’t kiss the lady panda, right? So I want you to dress up as the man panda, start coming onto the lady, you know, laa daa daa da-da-da-da-da! Make the man panda all jealous! He moves in – BOOM! Babies all over the place!
Howard: That is possibly the most obscene, disgusting, humiliating, and potentially dangerous thing I’ve ever heard you say.
Fossil: Thanks dude!
Howard: [at camera] No man should ever, EVER be made to dress as a panda.

Scene 3.
Zoo. Enclosures outside Panda Lodge.
[Howard and Vince standing around some enclosures. Vince is dressed as a panda.]

Vince: Why am I doing this, exactly?
Howard: Because you’ve got a way with the animals, Vince. Come on.

[they start walking]

Vince: I look ridiculous!
Howard: You look great.
Vince: I don’t look anything like a panda!
Howard: Pandas are very shortsighted, Vince, that’s the beauty of the scheme, my scheme.
Vince: Well what am I gonna do?
Howard: Well what you do is you get in the Panda Lodge, ok, get in there with Chi-Chi, dance about erotically, yeah? Make Fu-Fu jealous: bang.
Vince: Right. And when Fu-Fu’s jealous?
Howard: Knock on the door, I’ll let you out.
Vince: Right. And what are you gonna be doing?
Howard: I’ll be out here.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Spying on Gideon?
Howard: No. Having my lunch.

[opens door to Panda Lodge and Vince enters. Howard closes door and gives Vince a thumbs up through the small window. He sits down and looks to take a bite out of his very long salad roll, which he then puts up to his eye to reveal a hidden telescope. As Gideon moves out of view, Howard gets up to follow her. Vince appears in the window and knocks.]

Vince: [from opposite side of glass] Howard. Howard? [frantic] Howard? Howard! Argh! [is mauled by Chi-Chi]

[Howard approaches Gideon, who is reading]
Howard: Oh, hi there Mrs Gideon.
Gideon: Who are you?
Howard: I’m Howard Moon? I work here at the zoo?
Gideon: Why have you got crumbs around your eyes?
Howard: [hurriedly brushes them away] Oh, that’s just, me, me and Vince. We’ve been playing, uh, games… Crumb Eye. We have to get crumbs, er, in each other’s eyes…and er… the winner… gets a rake. [looks at Gideon’s book] That’s a good book. I like that book.
Gideon: Oh! Have you read it?
Howard: Oh yeah. Yeah twice I’ve read it, once in original, and then in the uh, paperback. Really related to the character of, um… [points to page]…Jonathan, I thought he was great.
Gideon: The serial killer?
Howard: Yeah, I mean as much as, you know, we’ve all… we can all relate to… to a killer. I mean, I … in our minds, we’ve all killed in our minds.
Gideon: [slightly freaked out] What are you talking about?
Howard: Well, as a writer, it’s um, it’s something that I, I have to do. I have to get involved in the darker side of the human psyche.
Gideon: [suddenly interested] You’re a writer?
Howard: Oh yeah yeah yeah, big time. Big time. Love to write. It’s like a compulsion for me to… the written word is like a drug. You cut me, I bleed ink. I wrote that. Just one of the things I’ve written.
Gideon: [smiling] Are you a friend of Vince’s?
Howard: Yeah! [suddenly realising he’s left Vince in the panda lodge, he runs off in alarm]
Gideon: Yes, he’s a very nice boy…


Scene 4.
Inside Panda Lodge.

[Howard runs through the zoo until he reaches the pandas, and opens the door to find Vince sitting at a candlelit dinner table with Chi-Chi]

Howard: What’s going on here?
Vince: What? I’m just making him jealous. [points to Fu-Fu going crazy in the next enclosure]
Howard: Alright, well, he’s jealous now, let’s go. Come on.
Vince: There’s no way! She’s not interested in him, he’s a brut! He doesn’t understand her needs! It’s just take take take. There’s no way they’re getting it on.
Howard: Ok Vince, he’s jealous now, he’s all charged up, it’s time to let him in, let nature take it’s course. Come on. [grabs Vince’s arm]
Vince: There’s no way! I’m not letting him come in and steal all the glory! I put all the groundwork in!
Howard: Groundwork??
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: You’ve gone wrong. Come on. [tries to pull him out of enclosure]
Vince: Get off me! We’ve got a chemistry! [to Fu-Fu] What are you looking at? [to Chi-Chi, as Howard drags him out] I’ll ring you in the week!
Howard: [to Chi-Chi] Sorry. [shuts door]

[Chi-Chi looks dejected, then picks up glass of wine. She raises it towards Fu-Fu.]


Scene 5.
Inside the Boosh hut.

[Vince is sitting on the couch reading a magazine entitled ‘Panda Monthly’ which is hiding his face. Howard is typing at a typewriter smoking a pipe. A strong wind is audible. Howard takes the pipe out of his mouth, looks at what he has just typed, and nods approvingly. Suddenly distracted by the wind, he looks around to see what could be making the noise. He stands up and starts checking the room from draughts. Finding the door slightly ajar, he pushes it shut and the wind stops. He returns to the typewriter.]

Howard: [looking at page, chuckling] Ah, dear.

[He continues typing but notices the wind is back. Again he goes searching for what is making the sound, and finds it to be a tape player. He switches it off. Sitting back at the typewriter, he cracks his knuckles and types until the bell goes off. The wind is back. Now very irritated, he hurriedly stands up and searches the place, and arrives at Vince. He grabs the magazine to reveal Vince is making the sound. Howard clamps his hand over his mouth and the sound stops. Vince looks up at him, he removes his hand and the sound continues. He clamps his hand over Vince a second time.]

Howard: Do you mind?

[Howard waits a moment before moving his hand and dropping the magazine in Vince’s lap. Vince does one more quick cheeky wind imitation. Howard glares.]

Vince: It was pretty good though, wasn’t it? Sounded exactly like the wind!
Howard: Yeah. It was blowing a gale through my mind.
Vince: I can do other elements!
Howard: Can you really. Can you do fog?

[Vince stares at Howard for a moment, then returns to his magazine. Howard begins typing again. Vince reaches for a banana.]

Vince: [peeling banana] Howard. Howard.

[Howard is lost in concentration]

Vince: [now eating banana] … Howard. … Howard. … Howard. … Howard. .. Howard. .. Howard. … Howard? … Howard. … Howard.
Howard: [disgruntled] This better be good.
Vince: You know the black bits in bananas? Are they tarantula’s eggs?
Howard: [in disbelief] Please don’t speak to me ever again in your life.

[A pause, then…]
Vince: What’s your novel about?
Howard: It’s about a genius who can’t get anything done because of a monkey that keeps annoying him.
Vince: [getting up] You’ve made a classic error.
Howard: Have I.
Vince: What you’ve done is you’ve focussed in on the wrong character, yeah? [sitting next to Howard] Now, the monkey, I’m loving him. But the other guy, I’m getting nothing off him. He sounds like a dick.
Howard: Yeah? Well Mrs Gideon didn’t think he sounded like a dick.
Vince: Mrs Gideon?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Aah, see, I knew this was what this was about!
Howard: What are you talking about?
Vince: You’re so transparent.
Howard: What?
Vince: You’re only doing this because you know she likes writers.
Howard: No I’m not. I’ve always been a writer.
Vince: Have you.
Howard: Yeah! And she’s interested in me, because I’m an intellectual. And she’s an intellectual.
Vince: Really.
Howard: Yeah. When we get together, Vince, I mean it’s inevitable, but when we do, it’s gonna be incredible. You know. We’ll be going to poetry evenings every night. We’ll both have pipes. We’ll be wrestling with the heavyweight intellectual issues of the day into the small hours.
Vince: Ugh, that sounds dreadful. I like thick girls. Girls that like bright colours, dancing, soft fabrics…
Howard: Don’t you want an equal?
Vince: Yeah! … So how much have you done then?
Howard: Uh… well it’s coming on. It’s coming on.
Vince: Yeah?
Howard: Yeah. I mean it’s not really about quantity, when it comes to the modern novel. It’s more of the quality of prose. That sort of thing, you know.
Vince: Alright. So how much have you done, then?
Howard: Uh, one sentence. But it’s uh –
Vince: [laughing] What? One sentence?
Howard: I fail to see what’s funny about that. It’s a damn good sentence I’ll have you know. I’m gonna send it to Hamilton Cork, see what he thinks.
Vince: Who?
Howard: The publisher, Hamilton Cork. I’m gonna send him this sentence.
Vince: I don’t think he’s gonna be interested in one sentence, is he.
Howard: That’s where you’re wrong, Vince, because that’s his whole philosophy. He can tell with one sentence whether he wants to publish a book or not. And I’m gonna send him this one, because I’ve got a good one. I want you to have a read of it actually.
Vince: Oh I’m alright, actually.
Howard: Have a look at it.
Vince: I’m a bit busy now.
Howard: Why? I want you to look at it!
Vince: I don’t really want to.
Howard: Why?
Vince: I’m… you know. I’m not in the mood.
Howard: Come on! Just look at it, don’t be stupid. [he winds the piece of paper out of typewriter and puts it in front of Vince] Have a look, have a read of it.
Vince: No, because I know what you’re like.
Howard: What do you mean?
Vince: You can’t take criticism.
Howard: Don’t be stupid. Go on. Read it. Tell me what you think.
Vince: [sighs, then reads] That’s really good actually. It’s great.
Howard: Yeah?
Vince: The only thing I would say –

[Howard leaps up in a fury and start knocking thing off the table and benches. Vince ducks for cover, then runs out the door.]

Vince: [to camera] He’s a lunatic! Absolute nutbox. Can’t believe it! He’s got anger problems. He should go and see Naboo. Naboo’ll sort it out. Naboo’s great; he’ll sort anything out. Seeya later. [puts on panda ears] Do you mind? I’ve got some private zoo business to attend to. [enters Panda Lodge, which is lit in red with exotic music playing, and Chi-Chi is fanning herself seductively in the background. As Vince shuts the door, he motions for us to leave.]



Scene 6.
Inside the Boosh hut, later.

[Howard is asleep at his typewriter, surrounded by many pieces of discarded paper. There’s a knock at the door.]

Howard: [awakes, startled] Hello?

[Simon enters.]
Cork: Howard Moon?
Howard: Yeah?
Cork: It is I, Hamilton Cork. I have read your sentence. It was an absolute tour de force. You’re going to be published, and be a famous writer.
[Howard looks up at him, stunned, and the screen dissolves to the beginning of the scene and another knock at the door.]

Howard: [awakes, startled] Hello?

[Simon enters.]
Cork: Howard Moon?
Howard: [slightly confused this time] Yeah?
Cork: It is I, Hamilton Cork. I’m looking for Vince Noir.
Vince: [getting up from behind magazine] I’m Vince!
Cork: I found one of your Charlie books in a packet of Weet-a-bix. It’s an absolute tour de force. It’s going to be published, and you’re going to be a famous writer.
Vince: Wow!
Howard: This is the dream, yeah?
Cork: No, the other one was.
Howard: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Cork: Yes.


Scene 7.
Naboo’s Kiosk.
[sign out of outside of the trailer says “Zoo Psychiatrist in Session”. Inside, Howard is lying on the couch. Naboo is seated facing him.]

Naboo: It’s clear that you have a problem with jealousy.
Howard: What do you mean?
Naboo: I think you’re jealous of Vince.
Howard: Why would I be jealous of him?
Naboo: Well, he’s successful, he’s got great hair, he’s a great writer. I mean what have you got to offer?
Howard: I’m a writer!
Naboo: I haven’t seen much evidence of that.
Howard: Yeah? Well, I’ve got writer’s block at the moment, haven’t I?
Naboo: That’s because you’re very angry. You’re unable to deal with criticism.
Howard: [sitting up angrily] Why does everyone keep saying that?
Naboo: [holding up a picture of two kittens in a barrel] Now, what I want you to do, is look at the picture of the kittens in a barrel.
Howard: [staring at picture hypnotically] Yeah.
Naboo: Look at them, they’re having a whale of a time. All happy.
Howard: Hahaha!
Naboo: The one on the left’s Phillip.
Howard: Phillip.
Naboo: Look at Phillip’s eyes.
Howard: He’s got little eyes.
Naboo: Whenever you’re feeling a bit angry, I want you to look at Phillip…
Howard: Look at his face!
Naboo: …and your anger will recede like an ocean. [He puts the picture down.]
Howard: [Comes out of his trance, and sighs.] Thanks Naboo.
Naboo: That’ll be one hundred and fifty nine euros.
Howard: [incredulous] A hundred and fifty nine –

[Naboo immediately holds the kitten picture up in front of his face, and Howard smiles.]

Howard: Aww. Haha. Look at his little face. [He takes the picture, then reaches into his pocket and gives Naboo a wad of bills].


Scene 8.
Inside Boosh hut.

[We see Howard walk back through the Zoo towards the house. Inside, Vince is entertaining himself in front of the mirror with Howard’s pipe. Howard opens the door and steps inside.]

Howard: Hey.
Vince: Hey! How’s it going?
Howard: Good. What’re you doing with my pipe?
Vince: Oh I just, ah, borrowed it, because I’m going to a party tonight and uh, you’ve not been invited, so I thought you wouldn’t mind.
Howard: [concentrating on kitten picture for a few seconds] Yeah that’s fine. … What party?
Vince: Oh it’s just a writer’s party, you know. Dixon Bainbridge has organised it. Hamilton Cork’s gonna be there. Apparently I’m gonna be famous.
Howard: [concentrating harder on picture] Ah, I’m really pleased for you!
Vince: I tell you though, it’s a nightmare. Gideon, she’s all over me! She keeps coming ‘round, making me little pastries. I dunno what to do.
Howard: [staples kitten picture to his forehead] AW! I’m cool with that.
Vince: Come on Howard. I’m not interested in Gideon, I told ya, I like –
Howard: You keep away from her.
Vince: Alright.
Howard: You swear?
Vince: I swear!
Howard: Swear on Jagger.

[sighing, Vince turns around and kneels in front of a Mick Jagger shrine. He does the sign of the cross, then bumps his wrists together and points in a Jagger-esque motion to the riff of ‘(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction’]

Vince: Oh, come on Howard. [He rips the picture from Howard’s head, who yelps and grimaces in pain.] It’s gonna be alright, look. I’ve been thinking, right. What if you come to the party with me, yeah? Because think about it, Hamilton Cork, he hasn’t seen your sentence, has he?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Well I could put in a word for you; you could show him. If he likes it, we can both be writers!
Howard: It’s a good idea.
Vince: How cool would that be?
Howard: I’m not invited though, am I.
Vince: Don’t you worry about that. I’ve got a way we can sneak you in. [puts pipe in his mouth and winks to camera.]


Scene 9.
Writer’s Party, inside the zoo.

[A girl has approached Vince for an autograph]
Vince: Pencil.
[He clicks his fingers, and Howard appears dressed like a golf caddy.]
Vince: HB please. [Howard hands him a pencil.] Who should I make it out to?
Jacqui: To Jacqui.
Vince: Cool. [starts scribbling, then] This is a 2B.
Howard: So?
Vince: I asked for a HB. This is way too soft.
Howard: Alright alright.
Vince: It’s gonna crumble in Jacqui’s bag.
Howard: [Hands him a new pencil] There you go. Don’t push it, alright?

[Howard wanders away, and is approached by Naboo]

Naboo: [Offering a tray of assorted pipes] Pipe, sir?
Howard: [Reaching into pocket and pulling out a pipe] Uh, I’m fine, I’ve got a pipe.
Naboo: Something a little larger?
Howard: [Raising his voice] No, I’m fine with this one, alright? Yeah?
Naboo: Shh. Remember the kittens. Relax.
Howard: [Pulls picture from caddy] Yeah alright.
Naboo: Calm like an ocean. How are they working out for you?
Howard: Yeah they’re working out alright.
Naboo: If you want something a bit more powerful I’ve got an otter in a bib.
Howard: An otter in a bib? No, I’m fine with the kittens thank you.

[Howard goes to put the picture back in the caddy, but doesn’t notice it falls to the ground. Dixon Bainbridge arrives with a pipe on wheels, as big as a pram, to a flare of trumpets.]

Bainbridge: Vince! Great to see you! [approaches Naboo and shakes his hand] This book will really put our zoo on the map!
Fossil: No Bainbridge, that’s Naboo. This is Vince right here.
Bainbridge: [leaves Naboo and shakes Vince’s hand] Vince! Great book. Excellent. [looking past Vince] Corky!
Cork: Bainbridge! Ho ho!
Bainbridge: When was it last? Krakatoa ’62, we stayed on an extra day to watch the hanging!
Cork: Yes, God she struggled didn’t she? It’s as if she didn’t want to die!
[they both laugh raucously]
Bainbridge: Great wedding.
Cork: Yep, yep.
Bainbridge: Can I have a quiet word?
Cork: Mmm.
[they disappear]

Howard: Oi, Baudelaire. Come on.
Vince: What?
Howard: You having fun are you?
Vince: Yeah!
Howard: Yeah, well I’m not.
Vince: What?
Howard: When’re you gonna get me in with the big cheese cutter?
Vince: Alright, I’m just waiting for the right moment.
Howard: Yeah well now’s the right moment, let’s move it.
Vince: Ok. [looks over at Bainbridge and Cork huddled in the corner]
Howard: Yeah?
Vince: You got your sentence?
Howard: Yeah.
Vince: Alright let’s go.

[The four approach each other]
Cork: Ah, Vince!
Vince: This is my mate Howard, he’s a writer too!
Cork: What do you want?
Howard: Well, I understand that you can tell whether you want to publish a book or not from reading the first sentence alone.
Cork: Yes, that is true.
Bainbridge: We used to call him ‘One Sentence Cork’.
Howard: Well, I’ve got a sentence and I’d like you to read it.
Cork: Well as it’s only a sentence I suppose I could give it a little look. Ah – it’s not about golf, is it?

[everyone chuckles]

Howard: No. [Hands Cork a tiny strip of paper.]
Vince: [Leaning into Howard] Right. Have you got your kitten picture?
Howard: What? [starts looking]
Vince: Have you got your kitten picture?
Howard: No… I dropped it.
Vince: [sighs] I’ll go and look for it.
Cork: Howard.
Howard: Yeah?
Cork: This is… superb.
Howard: What?
Cork: Why, well, it’s excellent!
Howard: Is it?
Cork: Mmm!
Howard: Oh. So… wait, you like it then?
Cork: Yes, yes I do.
Howard: Oh. … You sure?
Cork: [nodding] Mmm.
Howard: Anything else to… add to that?
Cork: No, no.
Gideon: [who has been standing behind Cork and has read the sentence over his shoulder] Oh well there is just one thing –
[Enraged, Howard punches Gideon and knocks her over, then]
Howard: Oh! Sorry!
Bainbridge: Fossil, get him out of here.
Howard: Gideon! I didn’t mean to do that! I just … I’m sorry! [Fossil starts dragging Howard away] Gideon! GIDEON! I love you! Gideon!!!
Bainbridge: [gleefully explaining to the party-goers] He punched a filly in the face!


Scene 10.
Still the party, but later.

[Cork, Bainbridge and Fossil are all laughing, standing in a circle with Vince]
Cork: Ah, quite a day for you, Vince!
Vince: Yeah.
Cork: We just want to talk you through a few minor editorial changes.
Vince: What changes?
Bainbridge: The name.
Vince: He’s called Charlie.
Bainbridge: No. The author’s name. Less Vince Noir, and more Dixon Bainbridge.
Vince: Yeah, but then everyone will think you wrote it.
Bainbridge: You catch on fast, fool.
Vince: But you can’t do that!
Bainbridge: Can I not? Did you copyright it?
Vince: [thinks] I photocopied it…
Bainbridge: [doubled over with laughter] You prick! Get rid of him Fossil!
Vince: When Charlie finds out about this, he’s gonna be furious. He’s gonna come for you.
Bainbridge: He thinks Charlie’s real! This guy is priceless! Good day, sir.
Vince: [pointing at Bainbridge] You’re in a hubba bubba nightmare.
Bainbridge: [sternly] I said good day, sir.

[Vince walks off in disgust]

Cork: Well done Bainbridge, your first novel! I didn’t know you had it in you.
Bainbridge: One doesn’t like to blow one’s own pipe!
[they laugh. Thunder and lightning crashes over the zoo, and two pink figures approach the zoo gates. They open the gates and start dancing. All the party goers have turned pink and stand frozen. They start dancing the same way as the gatekeepers, as if in a trance. The pink gatekeepers start singing, and the party folk follow.]

Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum
Charlie!

[A real-life version of the animated Charlie appears in the gateway]

Bursting your bubble, like a hubba bubba nightmare
Pink fist of doom
Feel my jooby justice
Pink fist of doom
Feel my jooby justice!

Wrapping around your heart your mind your ribcage
Wrapping around your heart your mind your soul

Bursting your bubble, like a hubba bubba nightmare
Charlie come, a-Charlie come, a bubble gum

[As the patrons scatter, the gatekeepers start leaping around the party and flipping over the tables. They use long bubble gum tentacles to capture a terrified Bainbridge and Cork as Charlie creeps upon them. Lightning strikes again as we zoom in on Charlie’s eye and the scene ends]


Scene 11.
Zoo. Outside Panda Lodge.

[Gideon, sporting two black eyes and white tape across her nose after Howard’s attack, walks past the Panda Lodge where a panda is looking forlornly out the window. She moves back to look at him and places her hand on the window. The panda does the same, and blinks slowly. Gideon, looking very much like a panda, blinks slowly back.]


Scene 12.
Zoo. Bench by the hutches.

Howard: [sighs] I can’t believe it. Mrs Gideon getting off with that panda like that.
Vince: Yeah.
Howard: [sighs again] What went wrong?
Vince: You did punch her in the face.
Howard: Yeah, I suppose so.
Vince: [amused] You idiot.
Howard: I don’t know what you’re so happy about, it was your panda she went off with.
Vince: [shrugging cheerfully] Oh well.
Howard: Look at you. You lose your panda, you lose the book deal. You’re still happy as a bean.
Vince: It’s this poncho! I can’t believe it. It’s impossible to be unhappy in a poncho. … But don’t you worry about it Howard. [slaps him affectionately on the leg] I’ve got a surprise for ya. [Lifts poncho to reveal another even brighter poncho underneath, which he holds up for Howard] Check this out!
Howard: Oh, great.
Vince: Come on! [Puts it over Howard’s head. He sits there for a moment.]
Howard: [grumpily] It’s not working.
Vince: Give it a couple of minutes.

[Screen reads: Two Minutes Later...]

[Vince and Howard, wearing ponchos and sombreros, are leaping and dancing joyously in unison to a brass salsa]

[Curtains close. Vince appears.]

Vince: Hi! Hope you enjoyed the show tonight. Ah, particularly -
[Simon enters]
Simon: Hi, Vince. I’m really impressed with the work you’re doing in the show. I’m wondering if you’d be interested in being in my new devised piece.
[Howard ambles in]
Simon: Now it’s about sleepwalking, it’s called ‘Autumn Magnets’.
Vince: Oh, right.
Simon: Now I think you’d be ideal for the lead role: Julian.
Howard: Uh… what’s happening here?
Simon: I’m just saying, I’m very impressed with Vince’s work.
Howard: Really.
Vince: I’m gonna be in Autumn Magnets!
Howard: Are you now. I’m very proud of you.
Simon: Yeah. It will be touring –
Howard: [tapping Simon on the shoulder] Listen. I invited you on the show out of the kindness of my heart, yeah? So what do you think you’re playing at, you concur-headed berk?

[Simon head butts Howard, who falls backwards.]

Simon: Don’t mess with me. 29er. [wanders offscreen with Vince] Now listen, it will be equity minimum, but the per diems are very very good…


[Roll credits!]